


In the Grip of Uncertainty

by Elanshaw



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Drama, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suspense, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:47:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 54,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24844795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elanshaw/pseuds/Elanshaw
Summary: John and Carson are pulled into a world that tests their friendship...and their sanity.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

The wormhole disappeared in a flash of light, leaving him standing alone in the clearing.

He could hear the birds chirping brightly in the nearby trees…

_They didn't know his world had just ended…_

"Why!?" he shouted.

He struggled to breathe, his emotions overwhelming him.

"Come back! Please...come back! I'll do whatever you want!"

He craned his neck toward the sky as the birds in a clap of feathery thunder flew from the trees, frightened by his dark sadness.

Then suddenly, from behind him...

"Colonel Sheppard!"

John shuddered to a stop, his eyes narrowing; and reaching for the weapon, he turned toward the voice…

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

John sighed quietly as he lay on his bed; an old Johnny Cash cassette playing softly on his stereo.

He had just returned earlier that evening from a 24-hour discretionary leave back to Earth; to attend the funeral of a family friend who had been like a younger brother to him.

Adam, who had followed his dream like John in becoming a pilot. Adam, who was shot down in Iraq three days ago, two weeks before his tour of duty would have ended.

John's team had wanted to go with him, but he had declined their offer; this was something he had to do on his own.

Curling in on himself, he closed his eyes remembering how Adam's father, with eyes swollen red with tears had slowly made his way to the church's altar overlooking his son's coffin.

John had sat in the back of the church in full uniform, listening as tears threatened to pour from his own eyes as the older man broke down as he talked about how proud he was of his boy.

John flinched inwardly as his mind slipped back to a conversation he had with his own father years ago.

" _Dad, I just want you to be proud of me!"_

" _Proud of you? You turn on me…your family… to what...go play G.I. Joe? After everything I've done for you?!"_

" _But, it's **my** life!"_

" _Then go...leave...but know this...you hurt me John...and I will **never ever** be proud of you for that!"_

John had stayed long enough to pay his respects then had quietly left, a heavy sadness pressing down on him.

* * *

_-A month later -_

The small house in the center of the village was warm and comfortable; the moonlight flowing through the small window painting the room a silvery grey.

John lay on the small bed sighing contently; he hadn't felt this at peace for a very long time.

A soft snoring turned his attention to the bed adjacent to his and he smiled at Carson who lay fast asleep on his back, one arm dangling off the bed, lightly touching his emergency medical bag on the ground.

"Good ole doc," John whispered.

He had accompanied Carson to the Ulatai home world after a plea for help had made its way to Atlantis; the Ulatai children were falling ill.

Things had been quiet for a while, so Woolsey had given the go-ahead for the team to have some free time.

Teyla and Ronon had decided to go to the mainland; the Athosians were planning a feast to celebrate the birth of a child to a woman believed to have been barren.

Rodney had decided that it was a good time to run diagnostics on the lab computer systems.

John was planning on going with Teyla and Ronon, when Woolsey had asked him if he wouldn't mind accompanying Carson, who had recently returned to Atlantis, to the planet as he tried to help the sick Ulatain children. Jennifer could not go, as one of her patients was scheduled for surgery and she had to stay close to the infirmary.

Not reluctantly, John agreed to go. The Ulatai home world was beautiful, the people, a quiet friendly farming community. He could relax while still keeping an eye on Carson as he helped cure the children.

They had stayed three days, the Ulatai children slowly bouncing back to health under Carson's caring hands; and John had his time to just breathe and take in the sun and wonderful home cooking offered by the locals, who were so very much appreciative of Atlantis sending them help.

This was their last night; they were due back on Atlantis the next morning.

A knock on the door and John glanced over as Torias, the elder of the village and the owner of the home they were in, stood in the doorway.

He was a widower, tall and thin with a long grey beard and a twinkle in his eyes. He and John had whiled away the previous nights' hours staring at the stars as John listened to the old man spin stories from his youth.

"Just checking if you have everything you need." the old man whispered.

"We're good…no stories tonight?" John asked.

The man's face was in shadows, but the Colonel could hear a whimsical chuckle from the doorway.

"No my friend, an old man must rest his bones every now and again. I bid you goodnight."

"Night, Torias."

Nestling his head into his pillow, John smiled and closed his eyes.

* * *

…

“…up!”

“…ake up!"

“…WAKE UP!"

John's eyes flew open to the wide-eyed Torias who was shaking him.

"Wha…?"

"The sky… the sky! It is the end!"

John shook his head to clear it and quickly sat up grabbing his weapon that rested by the side of the bed. From outside, the sound of a deep roar filled the sky, the following explosion shaking the home and shattering the glass in the windows.

"What the hell was that?!" shouted John, racing to the window to look out.

"The gods…" was all Torias could muster, his body trembling.

Balls of fire streaked across the pre- dawn sky, one slamming into a field near the edge of the village, the field bursting into flames.

"Oh crap…meteor storm!" hissed John, his heart dropping.

"Carson!" he shouted and turned to find his friend already up and pulling his medical bag across his back.

"Wha's happening?! Wraith?" Asked the doctor as he ran behind John who had already exited the room pulling Torias with him.

"Meteor storm, we need to get the villagers to the Gate!" replied John.

The Colonel's mind was racing as he tapped his ear comm.

"Atlantis, this is Sheppard! We have a problem, there's…"

He frowned tapping his comm again.

"Atlantis, do you read?" Static echoed from the earpiece. Worried, John looked over at Carson, who tried his own comm.

"Static." frowned the doctor. "The meteors?"

Suddenly, Torias, gathering his bearings pulled away from John's grasp.

"Go! I am an old man, I will slow you down!"

"No, you'll be safer with us!" argued John as another explosion shook the home, this time throwing the men to the ground.

They heard screams coming from outside.

John struggled to his feet pulling Torias up with him. He turned to make sure Carson was okay and saw the doctor's eyes widen.

"The children!" Carson gasped.

"Wait!" John stepped toward him, but Carson had already raced out the door towards the village's small meeting hall that had been turned into a makeshift clinic; where most of the children who were still recuperating were sleeping.

John turned back to Torias, "Do you have a cellar you can go to?"

"Please, save my people!"

"Torias!"

The old man nodded and John grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Go! I'll come back for you!" John ordered.

He stayed a split-second more hoping against hope that the old man would come out of this alive and then turned and ran out after Carson; stumbling to a halt for a moment, taking in the horror of what he saw.

Villagers were rushing past him, screaming as they tried to find cover from the onslaught from above. Homes were burning, crushed beyond repair and the fields beyond where they grew their food to eat and sell were on fire.

"Get to the Gate!" John shouted, trying to keep his footing on the shaky ground. His voice barely pierced the noise of the barrage from above as he tried to push people in the direction of the Gate, which lay in a small valley a little over a mile from the village.

Running towards a group huddled together in the doorway of a nearby home, he grabbed one of them; a man, eyes wide in terror.

"Tell everyone to head for the Gate, we'll get you to Atlantis…Go!"

The group scattered and John, spotting Carson standing in the distance veered towards him.

"Doc, what are you doing?!"

Carson stood staring, mouth agape, eyes wide in shock and grief at the crushed building in front of him, flames licking from the debris.

The meeting hall had been destroyed, the lives of several children and some family members wiped out.

John stepped forward, maybe there were survivors, maybe he could…

The building creaked and collapsed in more on itself, the fire spreading.

He backed away…

"Doc..."

Carson just stood staring at the ruins, the shadow of flames flickering over him.

Another explosion nearby...more screams.

_The sky was on fire._

"Doc!"

The heat and smoke from the surrounding flames was making it harder and harder to breathe.

Coughing, John grabbed Carson's arm, shaking him out of his grieving reverie and held on tight as the ground around them shook throwing them off their feet.

Scrambling on the ground, he grabbed Carson behind the neck forcing him to focus on his face.

"Carson…We have to go!"

Carson stared at him, eyes wide but understanding.

"Aye." was all he could say.

Soon both men and as many villagers as they could gather were racing for the Gate. John had tried to go back for Torias, but the road to the man's home was filled with burning debris that had blocked the path.

"Keep moving!" John shouted as he kept up the rear pushing them along as fast as possible.

He tried to focus on his goal to dial the gate, contact Atlantis and get the hell out of Dodge; but regret for not being able to return for Torias tightened his chest.

"Sola, no!" came a shout; and John looked up just in time to see a young boy racing past him… _in the opposite direction._

Seconds later, Carson ran past him after the boy.

"Stop!" John shouted. Carson stumbled to a halt.

"I 'ave to get him!" the doctor gestured wildly, "His mother 'n sister were in the hall… he thinks he could save 'em!"

"I'll get him!" John shouted. "Go with the others and dial the…"

Suddenly a loud roar made John stop and look up, his eyes widening.

_No!_

Charging forward, he tackled Carson just as the ground beneath them exploded sending both of them flying through the air into a group of trees.

* * *

Minutes later, with no movement from the trees, it was with the pale sky lighting its way towards dawn, that the screams of the villagers seeped away as the meteor storm slowly came to an end and rain began to fall over the silence.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

"Rodney, do not tell me you have been in here the whole time we were away!" said Teyla as she entered the lab.

Rodney glanced up from his computer.

"Hmm?"

He frowned when he saw her.

"You're back already?"

"Yes Rodney, it _has_ been three days."

"Really? I've been busy with…" he trailed off, nodding towards his monitor. "How was the um...miracle baby?"

"Quite healthy with a strong set of lungs." she smiled. "The celebration was enjoyable; Ronon and I had a pleasant time."

"Good...good."

"Has Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Beckett returned yet?" she asked.

"No, they're due back in a few hours; Sheppard should be checking in soon though."

"Good, I hope Carson has been successful in healing the Ulatain children."

"Hmm?"

Teyla rested her hand on his shoulder.

"I will leave you to your work." she said turning to leave.

"Hmm…yes...welcome back." murmured Rodney already turning back to his monitor.

Teyla smiled as she headed towards her quarters for her morning meditation.

All in all, it felt like it was going to be a great day.

* * *

The ground was slowly drying under the clear morning sky, when the sound of the Gate being activated echoed across the valley.

A group of uniformed men stepped through, weapons in hand. As soon as they saw the devastation they surrounded the tallest of the men, not in uniform who stepped last from the Gate.

"Sovereign, we must go back!" one of them said.

The man pushed the guard aside.

"Don't be foolish! What's happened here?"

When the guards didn't answer, the man stepped forward and looked around.

"This will be easy pickings so it seems. Head to the village, see what and who can be scavenged and be quick about it."

The group started forward, the man scowling at the destruction around him and the dead bodies he saw. Not long after he spotted a strange mound that intrigued him. He would not have seen it except for some of the trees around it that had been leveled.

Making his way around a large crater in the path, he moved towards the mound only to realize that it was the bodies of two men, one half blanketed over the other; they were bloody, their clothes torn and filthy.

The man used his foot and shoved the top body off and onto its back, the body underneath was crumpled in a fetal position, a bag across its back.

Suddenly, the one in the fetal position groaned and the other one twitched at the sound; grabbing at the dirt on the ground as if searching for something.

"Humph." uttered the man.

He stared at the twitching bloody figure, there was something about him. Curious, he knelt down using his sleeve to wipe away the dirt and blood from the unconscious man's face.

Leaning forward to get a better look, the tall man suddenly gasped pulling back.

_It couldn't be!_

He looked again, his eyes opening wide in astonishment.

The man turned, shouting at one of the guards.

"This one!" he ordered, pointing at the body.

A guard ran over, frowning for a moment at the bloodied men lying on the ground, then bent and picked up John throwing him over his shoulder. He stood and waited as his leader stared intently at the man.

"Sovereign?" the guard asked, trying to even out the weight of the man he was carrying who was much heavier than he looked.

"We go back!" ordered the tall man heading to the Gate.

The guard followed closely behind him, stopping suddenly as the man glanced back to where Carson lay.

"Bring that one too." he muttered nodding towards Carson.

Another guard ran over to pick up the unconscious doctor, then the guards and the man left through the Gate; taking John and Carson with them.

* * *

Woolsey was worried; Sheppard was late calling in.

After an hour with still no word, they tried to contact both him and Carson. Their response, a faint static...that was it.

John's team stood nearby in the gate room, watching as a M.A.L.P was being prepared.

"We're wasting time." muttered Ronon. "We should just go through."

"Better to be safe." Woolsey replied.

The gate activated and the M.A.L.P slowly made its way forward. Moments later, images from the planet came into view shocking everyone into silence.

Burnt out trees and craters in the ground; in the near distance…dead bodies.

"What the…?" murmured Rodney eyes widening.

"Mr. Woolsey…" started Teyla.

Woolsey frowned, tapping his comm.

"Major Lorne?"

_"Yes sir."_ came the quick reply.

"Assemble your team."

_"Is it the Colonel and Dr. Beckett?"_

"Yes, we have a problem; how fast can you be ready?"

_"Sir, we've been ready for the past hour, we're on our way."_

Woolsey nodded, in relief over their efficiency then turned to Sheppard’s team. Surprised when he didn't see them, he turned to see them down in front of the Gate, looking up at him ready for his say so to go.

When Lorne's team entered the gate room, Woolsey took a moment to update them on the situation then turned to the shimmering light of the wormhole.

"You have a go." he said to the two teams, "Bring them back safe."

Both teams nodded, then with weapons drawn strode through the gate.

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

Once through the Gate it didn't take long for the teams to realize that the devastation was not a result of an attack, Wraith or otherwise.

"Looks like a meteor storm hit." said Lorne, who along with everyone else lowered their weapons.

"This planet has no history of such storms." said Teyla.

"Well, there's a first time for everything." Lorne replied, nervous for his missing friends. "It's a miracle the Gate wasn't destroyed."

They tried their communicators again, but there was no response.

Rodney checked his LSD.

"There are some life signs in that direction." he said pointing towards the village.

"So what are we waiting for?" Ronon grunted.

Lorne ordered two of his men to stay near the gate and the rest of them started off; soon passing by the bodies of several dead villagers and a large crater in the path near some leveled trees.

"What if we don't…what if they're..." murmured Rodney as he stared at the bodies on the ground.

Teyla touched him gently on the arm. "Let us hold onto hope for now."

As they entered the village, they came upon a few people who, shuffling in their grief slowly poked through the remains of their homes; nearby an area where they had started to lay out their dead.

Walking further along, they came upon an old man sitting on the ground. He was leaning against a burnt out demolished house and was cradling the body of a young boy. The man saw them and beckoned them over.

"I am Torias the Elder." he said. "You are from Atlantis? Your clothing…they are like Sheppard's and the Healer."

"Yes, we are." Teyla knelt by the man, glancing at the boy in his arms. "Is he..?"

Torias nodded. "He must have been looking for his family. Sola, too young...the gods have been unkind this day." He silently wept, laying a shaking hand on the boy's head.

"Torias, have you seen our friends?" asked Teyla, her heart breaking at the scene in front of her. "We have come to take them home."

The old man looked at her.

"They said they were going to help my people… to get them to safety on Atlantis. Your arrival tells me they did not succeed."

He lowered his eyes, sighing heavily.

"I hid in my cellar. I was too slow, I did not want to hold them back. My people…so many dead. I should have died with them...I should have..."

Teyla gazed sadly at the man and dead child then stood and turned to the others.

"We must keep looking."

The teams split up, Lorne and Rodney using their LSDs. They would look out for survivors, but were clear in their agenda; dead or alive, they wouldn't stop until their friends were found.

Two hours later, as Lorne headed back to the village square, his comm rang; one of his men near the gate radioing in… the Colonel's weapon had been found.

John's team was already there when he and the rest of his men arrived.

The weapon, bent and partially melted was found under some burnt branches of the leveled trees they had passed earlier. Ronon scowled moving off looking for any other signs that Sheppard and Carson were nearby; it didn't take long until a twisted ear comm was found.

"That doesn't mean anything!" stated Rodney, a little too loudly.

"You're right, McKay" said Lorne. "Their bodies aren't here. We need to find out the last address dialed from the Gate, if they left or were taken we need to know where they went."

"I'm already on it." Rodney spun and headed towards the DHD.

As Lorne radioed in, lips tight with worry, he watched as Teyla and Ronon headed out; slow and steady their eyes scanning the ground looking for more clues to their friends' whereabouts. The silent dread of what they might find hanging over them.

* * *

The sound of dripping water echoed loudly as it smacked against stone.

Carson groaned, the pain that rushed through him overwhelming his senses.

He had awoken sometime before alone in darkness, his body throbbing painfully, his head feeling like it had cracked open, a pounding in his ears. Sitting on the stone ground, his arms chained behind him to a wall; he had called out weakly for John as he struggled against the chains, collapsing back as a jagged pain shot through his leg.

Memories of screams, destruction and loss bombarded him as he cried quietly in the darkness.

_The children…he should have saved them…_

The last thing he remembered was Sheppard yelling from somewhere behind him to run…to keep moving; then a flash of light like a nuclear blast, then nothing.

_Where was he?_

_He had to find Sheppard…he had to…_

He heard a soft click and looked up to see a small window open in a door across the room; a stream of light flowing through landing on his face, causing him to squint.

"Hallo?" he rasped. "Please..."

The window in the door slammed shut and Carson was cast back into darkness.

* * *

Lucius Daravilus was an imposing man; muscular, broad shouldered and towering towards seven feet in height. Most men found it better to stay on his good side for their own safety. His salt and pepper hair, impeccably cut. His grey eyes striking, on his chiseled face.

The dark night marched across the sky as Lucius, leaning against a wall drinking heavily, stared at the bed on the far side of the room; the bed where the impossible lay.

Putting his drink down, he walked unsteadily over and sitting on the side of the bed, shook the dirty bloodied man by the shoulder.

'Wake up." he muttered.

John groaned softly.

Lucius let him go, looking down at him in disgust.

"I _said_ WAKE UP!"

He dug down hard against a wound on John's exposed shoulder and twisted his fingers viciously.

John's eyes flew open with a gasp that turned to a scream as Lucius kept digging. Soon, his breath lost, John's scream turned to a pantomime of agony; his body frozen, unable to breathe...unable to move.

Finally removing his hand, Lucius smiled.

"Good, you're awake."

Panting, John's pain-glazed eyes eventually landed on Lucius; his body twitching in shock as he grimaced at the stabbing pain shooting through him.

Lucius gently touched the top of John's head then slowly moved his hand down until it was around his throat, then he started to squeeze.

John's eyes widened and he weakly tried to move the hand away.

When Lucius saw him struggling he rested his other hand on the side of John's face, caressing it as he slowly choked the life out of the hurt man.

"Shhh…" he smiled as John writhed in front of him.

"Shhh..." his smile widened as John's struggling slowed.

When John's eyes started to roll in the back of his head, Lucius let go and stared at him, watching as he gasped for breath, eyes twitching behind closed lids.

"I wanted to see if you still had the same spirit within you. Seems you do, fighting until the very end…that's good. Though it makes what you did to me even more horrible; but we will have time to talk about that later."

He leaned over and stroked John softly on the forehead, then rose and headed out of the room. As he opened the door he turned back to the bed and smiled, darkness flashing through his storm cloud eyes.

"Welcome home, Nahkhan. Welcome home, my son."

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

"McKay?"

The light from the wormhole reflected on Rodney's still face.

_John AND Carson? This can't be happening...they better not be dead...I'll kill them if they're dead! Wait... I-I can't kill them if…_

"McKay!"

Rodney jerked forward as Ronon elbowed him.

"Are you coming or not?" the warrior growled.

Returning to himself, Rodney glanced around watching as the search teams were gathering their gear; Lorne and his team had just disappeared through the wormhole and Teyla was standing nearby watching him and waiting.

"We're going to find them." Rodney murmured heaving his gear higher on his back, a look of sad determination on his face.

When he noticed Teyla and Ronon staring strangely at him, he frowned standing more erect.

"What? I thought we were going?"

'That's the plan." said Ronon, smacking him on the shoulder and moving forward.

Teyla nodded and followed Ronon through the wormhole; and Rodney taking a deep breath, glanced over his shoulder up at the gate room where Woolsey stood watching and then he too stepped through the Gate.

* * *

"It's been two days and he is still unwell!" shouted Lucius.

Sarek the Healer, cowered in a corner of the room. He was a young squirrel of a man with a mop of brown hair and watery blue eyes. He had received the title Healer after the death of his father Zale, who had been a mediocre healer at best but was well known throughout the village when Lucius had come to the planet years before.

"Sovereign, please… I _am_ trying but he's not responding to my medicine!"

"Then try _something else_." sneered Lucius.

"I've tried everything, I…"

"Don't make me sorry that I allowed you to follow in your father's footsteps!" the tall man hissed.

The healer's eyes widened at Lucius' glare; he knew that look.

Nostalgia, more than experience had gained him a place in the Daravilus household and the young healer could not allow that sentiment to falter; his mother and younger siblings relied on him for their survival.

Sarek grabbed the bag resting by his feet.

"This was found with the man brought in with your son, it looks to be some sort of medicine. Let me test them and I will find a way to help him!"

Lucius' eyes narrowed and he motioned for the bag; Sarek hesitantly stepped forward and rested it on the table in front of him then backed away forcing a smile.

"You have spoken about your sons before, Sovereign. I thank the Ancestors that one of them has been returned to you."

Lucius looked up from the contents of the bag, the dark flash of his eyes settling on the healer.

"Would you like to thank them in person?"

Sarek froze, "No... Sovereign. I...I would not."

Lucius huffed then turned back to the table glancing at the bag with the foreign bottles inside; ignoring Sarek who stood trembling nearby.

"Bring this medicine man. I will talk with him."

* * *

Woolsey sat in his chair, head back eyes closed rubbing his temples, he had just heard back from Dr. Keller. They had been checking the DNA of the bodies from the planet that were too badly burnt for a positive i.d. and thankfully Sheppard and Carson were not among them.

So now it was a waiting game. If they weren't on the planet, where were they?

Six teams had begun searching the planets the Ulatai DHD dialed out that day, but he knew the search could take a long time.

He hoped wherever John and Carson were that they could hold on, they wouldn't be left behind…not if he could help it.

* * *

" _Why won't ya tell me where…"_

The guard grabbed Carson roughly by the arm and pushed him into the room. Hopping forward trying to stay off his hurt leg, Carson grabbed onto the table in front of him to steady himself.

"A healer _and_ a cripple!" boomed a voice from a corner of the room.

He looked up to find a man built like a lumberjack holding a silver goblet and smiling at him.

Breathing heavily, the doctor stared at the large man, then at the goblet then back at the man again.

"You are thirsty, I gather? Well we must put a stop to that right away!"

Lucius walked over to a side table and poured water from a pitcher into a small cup and handed it to Carson, who ignoring his predicament for a moment grabbed the cup and drank greedily; the water, an ambrosia after going so long without. When he finished he licked his lips and looked longingly at the pitcher.

"More?" smiled Lucius. "Not yet…sit."

"Where am I?" asked Carson.

"Maybe you didn't hear me the first time. I said… _sit."_

Carson blinked sensing the violence in the man in front of him, then grabbed onto a nearby chair and eased himself into it.

"What's your name?" asked the man, his eyes never leaving Carson's.

"I…" the man's laser stare was unnerving. “C-Carson Beckett."

Lucius nodded, then reached over and pulled the medical bag from a nearby shelf and slowly dropped it on the table between them.

"These are medicines, I presume?"

Carson's eyes lit up and he grabbed at the bag, going through its contents; some of them were smashed, but some looked fine.

"Yes! Where did ya find it?"

"It was with you when you were found; I assume you are indeed a healer then?"

"Wha..? Yes…yes I am."

"And where do you hail from, healer? I know of the Ulatai people, you don't seem like one of them…the way you speak…"

Carson hesitated.

"You don't want to lie to me." stated Lucius sensing Carson's reluctance.

The doctor paused a moment longer.

"Atlantis" he sighed.

"Atlantis?" smiled Lucius, eyebrows raised. "The _great_ city of the Ancestors? I highly doubt that. I found you in the tattered clothing you're wearing covered in mud in a farming village; you are no Ancestor."

Carson, wincing at the throbbing in his leg looked down at what was left of his uniform. It was barely recognizable even to himself; no Atlantis insignia remained. He pressed his fingers against his temples for a moment, trying to dull the pressure of the pounding his head was taking; the side of his hair was matted down with dried blood.

"I'm tellin' ya the truth. Did…did ya find someone else with me? Dressed like me?" He asked softly, his eyes subconsciously flicking to the water pitcher and back to Lucius.

"What? Half naked and muddy?" chuckled Lucius.

Carson squinted, lowering his hands, confused.

"No…no. The man...he's taller than me, slimmer …"

Lucius was intrigued. "And how do you know this man?"

"He's ma friend."

"And this _friend_ of yours...also from Atlantis I presume?"

Carson swallowed, trying to quell the nausea he was feeling and slowly nodded. "Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard." he whispered.

Lucius' eyes flashed as he burst into condescending laughter.

"Is _that_ what he told you? You must not believe everything you hear, healer!"

Carson frowned, glancing around the room; noticing the eclectic array of books, curios, statues and fabric from what looked like many different cultures.

_Where was he?_

"I jus' wanna make sure he's okay." he pleaded.

Lucius motioned toward the bag and nodded.

"You'll need to treat him as he has yet to return to himself; but healer, if he leaves this world to be with the _real_ Ancestors, I promise you …you will join him soon after."

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

The room Carson was led to was large and filled with some of the same type of items he saw in the previous room. A large four-poster bed sat against one wall, images of what looked like dragons were etched into each dark wooden post.

Lucius motioned towards the bed and as Carson limped forward, that's when he noticed the figure buried under the mounds of heavy spreads.

"Colonel!"

He moved forward pulling back the covers, frowning at what he saw.

John lay shivering, his dark hair damp across his head in stark contrast to the paleness of his sweat sheened skin; his lower face bristled with the stubble of a beard starting to grow. He was shirtless, with bandages on the side of his head, shoulder and torso; bruises were smattered all along his side, some down by his waist line half hidden by the dark silk pants he was wearing.

Carson sat on the side of the bed and took John's pulse, his frown deepening. Checking under his bandages he found half-healed wounds and burns, and a nasty gash near his right temple that had been stitched badly and was not healing properly.

He placed the back of his hand against John's forehead, and then quickly cleaned the wounds with the water and cloth he noticed that were placed by the bedside. Once done, he frantically searched through his bag, sighing in relief as he found the vial he needed; he injected John with a dose of the antibiotics.

"He has a fever!" Carson said, glaring at Lucius.

"And the medicine you gave him will help?"

"Aye after some time, with a few more doses…" Carson rummaged through the bag and sighed in relief, pulling out some small tubes and vials. "And with some of these other medicines that thank God weren't destroyed."

" _Run…run…"_

Both men turned to the bed, John's eyelids flickered, his head moving back and forth as if he was in the grip of a nightmare.

Carson leaned forward and gently shook his arm.

"Colonel, can ya hear me? Colonel Sheppard?"

An agonizing pain ripped through the Scot, and he cried out whipping his head around to find Lucius' hand gripped tightly on his hurt leg.

"You will address my son by his proper name."

Carson squeezed his eyes shut, nodding; Lucius let go and stepped back.

Panting, Carson slowly opened his eyes.

"Wha...what are ya talking about, your son? He's nah your son!"

Lucius glared at him. "You were either subject to his lies and magical tales or you perpetuated them. I don't know which, but I will hear no more of it! His name is Nahkhan Daravilus. He _is_ my son…and you, you will be his healer for the time being; and then I will decide what to do with you once he is mended!"

He motioned to the guard who had followed them to the room; the guard stepped forward and grabbed Carson's arm dragging him away towards the door, the medical bag left open on the bed.

"You will be sent for tomorrow to tend to him. I will have our healer tend to your own wounds." said Lucius.

Carson struggling to stay off his leg looked back at Lucius who stood watching John, a strange expression on his face.

* * *

"Ronon, slow down!"

Rodney rushed to keep up as Ronon raced towards some caves on the latest planet they were on; Teyla not far behind the warrior. There was a rumor of strangers in the surrounding caves and hoping against hope the team had headed out. Maybe they'd be lucky this time...maybe...just maybe.

The team had accompanied Lorne's search party to the planet; only the third of the many planets on their list. The gate address that was last dialed had led to no sign of John or Carson, so the search had been broadened, the list longer than anyone had wished. With the daunting search ahead of them, the spirits of those searching were low.

Up ahead, Ronon spun and glared back at Rodney, his chest heaving; the scientist witnessing the annoyance, rage and fear in the warrior's eyes.

Sighing deeply and slightly ashamed, Rodney nodded at him and Ronon turned and continued ahead, Rodney picking up the pace...he would not slow them down...this search was too important.

* * *

A few days later, Lucius sat quietly on the side of John's bed staring down at him. He placed his hand against John's forehead and smiled. The new healer had done well, Nahkhan's fever had gone down and his wounds were much healed. A few more days and he would be healthy again.

He cupped John's face with his large hand.

"Nahkhan…" he whispered. “Son…"

John moaned softly, his eyes moving behind closed lids.

"Son." Lucius repeated, then smiled as John's eyes slowly opened, his glazed stare finally landing on Lucius' face.

"Wha..?" John murmured.

"You are home…finally…you are home."

"…ome?" John tried to focus on the face in front of him, but could only make out the gray of the hair and the male voice.

"D...Dad?" he whispered.

When he felt a hand pat his cheek, he turned towards the touch.

* * *

_-Two days later-_

"… _please Colonel...please, come on...open your eyes..."_

John slowly opened his eyes and blinked; the room gradually swimming into focus, along with the pain. Groaning softly he raised his hand to his head.

"… _oh thank God...thank God…"_

He turned towards the relieved whisper to find Carson, standing by the side of the bed he was in looking _very_ relieved.

“C-Cars..." John rasped then coughed; his throat felt rough, his head filled with metal shards.

Carson put his finger to his lips and quickly shook his head.

"You're awake!" a voice boomed causing John to flinch.

A giant of a man walked up next to Carson and stared down at him, smiling.

"You have done well, healer!" smiled the giant, hitting the Scot hard on his back.

John saw his friend wince in pain.

The man turned to John. "Well, how are you feeling?"

John mimed for some water.

"Yes of course!" the man scowled at Carson.

"Didn't you hear him? Get him some water!"

Carson flinched, then turned and disappeared from John's sight, returning a few moments later with a goblet; the man grabbed it from his hand.

"Here son, let me help." The man sat on the bed and raised John's head helping him drink.

Once done, John's head was lowered back to the pillow; he slowly licked the moisture on his lips, relishing in the coolness.

"Wha' happened?" he whispered.

He stared at Carson, whose face held a mixture of fear and relief that at the moment John couldn't understand.

Looking at the taller man, he tried to match a name to the face and found that he couldn't.

"Who r'you?"

He saw something flash over the man's face that made his stomach clench.

"Nahkhan, it's me...your father."

John struggled to make sense of what was happening.

"Nahkhan?" John questioned.

He turned to Carson. "Carson, what …"

The tall man stood up suddenly from the bed.

"I allow you to return and still yet you deny who you are?"

Confused, John tried to sit up. "Wha's goin' on?"

"I could have left you to die..." muttered the man, then grabbed Carson's arm pulling him away from the bed.

"Food will be brought to you…you need to gain your strength back; I will return soon."

John's eyes narrowed in confusion over the deer-caught-in-headlights stare his friend gave him as he was pulled from the room; that's when he noticed Carson's pronounced limp.

"Hey…" John rasped, pulling himself up, struggling with the covers as he tried to get to him.

"Wai...wait!" The covers wrapped around his legs as he tried to stand, the world suddenly tilting sideways sending John crashing to the floor, the covers tangled around him. He heard the slam of the door before darkness swept over him.

**TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

Carson struggled painfully forward, trying to keep up with the guard who was dragging him by the arm down the corridor as Lucius followed behind them.

"Please...lemme go back…he needs ma help!" Carson called out.

They arrived at a room at the end of the corridor and the guard pushed Carson inside.

"You will stay here until you are called for." stated Lucius.

The room was dimly lit, but an improvement over the cell like room that Carson had awoken to days before. He sat on the small cot, it and a small side table the only furniture in the room.

"Our people will find us…" started Carson. “Ya can't keep us here!"

Lucius stood in the doorway watching him.

"Anybody looking for _you_..." he pointed at the Scot, "Will never find you; I am a very careful man, healer. So no, _your_ people won't find you. As for Nahkhan, no one will be coming for him, because he's already home."

"Ya can't do this!"

"You're a funny one...a crippled healer with a speech impediment, from the Ancestral city at that." Lucius chuckled, then narrowed his eyes. "You will be summoned again when needed." He left, the door locking behind him.

"Speech impediment?" Carson frowned.

* * *

The sun was high over the waters of Atlantis as Woolsey made his way down the hallway to the Gate room; he passed Jennifer who was on her way to the infirmary.

"Sir, any news?"

"No…no, nothing yet."

It had been more than a week since John and Carson's disappearance.

Woolsey coughed slightly. "How are things in the infirmary?"

"Busy…we're all hoping for Carson and the Colonel's safe return."

He nodded. "The search teams are still out there, we'll get them back."

Jennifer smiled sadly. "I know...I know we will."

Woolsey nodded to her once more then turned, heading to his office hoping an update on the search awaited him.

* * *

_No._

_No…_

… _gotta save…_

… _they're screaming..!_

… _Torias...!_

_Run…_

… _Oh no…_

_Run!_

"NO!"

John awoke with a shout.

_Ulatai, the meteors…he remembered…_

His breath hitched as a wave of guilt washed over him.

_I should have been faster…_

_I could've…_

_I could've…_

He froze, his eyes widening…

_Carson._

_There was a man with him._

John shuddered, pulling himself off the bed; fatigue clung to him and he staggered a few steps falling to his knees, then slowly pulled himself up and shuffled to the doorway...it was locked.

His hand went to his ear pressing for his comm link…

It wasn't there.

John slowly looked around the room, taking in his surroundings; catching his reflection in a nearby mirror, he froze, shocked.

He looked pale and haggard, his face itched with a small beard making him wonder how long he had been out for the count.

He slowly touched his face, then looked down at himself lightly touching the bandages across his body…he grabbed at the silk pants.

_What the hell was he wearing?_

His whole body ached as he turned to scan the room. It was large, with one small window placed high close to the ceiling; too high for him to reach, too small for him to escape from. Books and curios of all kinds filled the room.

_But where were his clothes...his weapon?_

_And where the hell was he?_

He banged on the door.

"Hey!" he shouted.

The door flew open suddenly causing him to jump back in surprise.

The large man stood in the doorway.

"Well, it's good to see you finally up on your feet; an extra day of rest seems to have done you wonders!"

A day? It felt like he had just seen Carson moments before…

"Where's my friend?"

Lucius smiled, "Locked far from you for now. He spouts delusions about you and he being from the Ancestral city, can you believe that?"

John's eyes narrowed.

"We are from Atlantis, so if you don't want to make enemies of us, and believe me you don't; you'll let me contact my people right now!"

Lucius stepped forward and John had to force himself not to take a step back. The man was massive but John refused to show him any fear.

"You were clumsy enough to fall off the bed, you were put back on. You were cared for...fed."

He motioned to the bed. John frowned at the empty bowl on the bedside table; he didn't remember eating.

"I took you back in when I should have killed you the moment I saw you."

John looked up at the imposing man; maybe a change of tactics was needed.

"Okay…can you at least tell me where I am?" he tried to keep the fatigue and concern out of his voice.

"You are finally back where you belong." The man's words were flat, but there was a spark of something in his eyes that worried John, no comeback emanating from his lips.

They stared at each other for a moment, then the man slowly turned and closed and locked the door behind him; leaving John with his mind racing on just how he and Carson were going to get out of this mess.

* * *

Lucius headed to his sitting room for a drink; the balcony doors in the room were wide open, a small breeze billowing the nearby curtains.

"Who's there?" his voice was stern, questioning.

Moments later, an old woman, small in stature with long grey hair plaited into one slipped from the balcony into the room.

"I was just admiring the view Lucius, while I waited for you."

He sighed and poured himself a drink settling down in his oversized lounge chair.

"Odalia, you shouldn't enter here without my permission."

"I'm but an old woman, what harm can my presence do?" she smiled and sat across from Lucius. "How is Nahkhan feeling? The Ancestors have been so kind returning one of your sons to you. He seems…different though."

Lucius stared at his sons' wet nurse. Odalia had been like a mother to them, their true mother dying when they were very young. He had kept her on as she was a soothing presence for him reminding him of his own mother... a cool breeze that knew how to keep his fires at bay.

"Thank you for taking care of him, he will be back to his true self soon enough." Lucius sighed. Odalia had watched over John, using a damp cloth to ease the heat emanating off of him and giving him water and soft food when she could get it passed his lips.

He glanced at the open balcony doors then back at the old woman.

"The Ancestors _have_ blessed me, the way I found him…and especially the day I found him. It was nothing short of a miracle."

Odalia leaned back in the chair.

"Nothing short of a miracle indeed." she smiled.

**TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

Days had passed and Carson was softly humming a tune as he lay on the cot in his room. He was trying to distract himself from the pain in his leg and the worry over what was happening to John.

On the first visit from the manor's healer, he had been given water and soap to clean himself and servants clothing to wear; and was grateful at least to be rid of the tattered Atlantis uniform that he had to peel off himself.

He looked down at his body and sighed deeply, remembering John barreling into him and taking the brunt of the meteor's power; saving him from death but being hurt badly himself in the process.

Suddenly, the door to the room opened and Sarek shuffled in, with his head down and carrying a tote bag and a tray of food.

Carson sat up gingerly pulling his hurt leg off the cot.

"Ma friend, how is he? I need ta see him; ya can't keep me locked up like this!" he exclaimed.

Sarek glanced up at him and Carson saw a large bruise on the young man's face.

"Wha…who did that to you, son?" He reached out to examine the bruise but the young healer jerked away and put the tray of food on the table.

_Earlier that morning, Sarek had tried to get out of helping Carson; he did not want to keep tending to him._

_This foreigner…he was like an anvil hanging over the young healer's head; the dread of his presence mocking Sarek continually, even at night as he tried to rest._

_However, Lucius in his own special way had made it clear that Sarek was to do as he was told._

"I brought you water and some food." Sarek murmured. "The Sovereign would like me to check your wounds."

"Did _he_ do that to you?"

Sarek looked as if to say something, and then started pulling out clean bandages from his bag.

Carson winced as Sarek checked the slowly healing wound on his head, then started to unwrap the bandages around his leg, He had heavy bruising running up his leg, and his ankle was broken.

The young healer had tried his best with the poultices he used, even making a small brace for the leg, but he was obviously out of his element making Carson wish he was back on Atlantis. The modern medicine would have given him a reprieve from the deep ache he was feeling.

"Please...how's ma friend?" Carson whispered. "Sarek…"

Sarek did not look up until he was done, fresh poultice and bandages wrapped around Carson's leg and ankle, the brace back in place.

"Your wounds weren't as bad as the Sovereign's son, they should heal soon." Sarek rose and started to pack his things away.

"We can help you…" said Carson, afraid that he'd be left alone again. “Just let me contact ma people!” He pleaded.

Sarek scowled grabbing the tote bag.

"Wait lad, please…don't go…"

Sarek hesitated, his back to Carson.

"Tell...tell me how your medicines work." he whispered.

_Lucius had been so happy over his son's return to health; but the fact that it was not Sarek's own medicine that accomplished this made the young healer nervous for his job...for his life._

"Wha...ma medicine?" murmured Carson, confused; then suddenly he understood.

"Sarek…son...you find a way to help me and ma friend get out of here and I will tell you _everything_ about ma medicine. You will be _amazed_ at what I know and can teach ya."

Sarek turned his head slightly to Carson, chewing on his lip in thought.

_Should he dare? He hardly knew enough...if this man could teach him..._

Suddenly, the image of an angry Lucius finding his son had escaped filled Sarek's mind.

"Guard!" he shouted banging on the door, then spun around to face Carson.

"Never mind, I don't need your help. You tried to warp the mind of my Master's son and I won't be a part of your delusions!"

Sarek glared at him, then hissed, _"I'm_ the better healer!"

The door to the room opened and within moments, Carson was once again left alone; he looked at the tray and sighed pulling it towards him.

* * *

Lucius was happy to hear from Odalia that Nahkhan's strength was returning. He had left him in her care hoping she would remind him of home and what he had run from so many years ago.

He had kept his son locked in his room for his own good, allowing Odalia to visit daily to tend over him. However, with Nahkhan's returning physical strength, the delusions he spouted had not diminished along with his questions over his friend's whereabouts.

The guards moved aside as Lucius entered one of the cells in the lower part of the manor.

Earlier, he had gone to his son's room to confirm how well he was getting on, only to be attacked by his own flesh and blood.

"Nahkhan..."

John sat on the ground against the far wall of the cell glaring at him, the black eye Lucius had given him throbbing deeply.

This had gone on long enough; he wasn't physically at 100% yet, but he had to figure a way out of this, for him and Carson. After being locked in the room he had woken up in for over a week, with food and water being brought to him by the well-guarded old woman; John had seen his chance when he overheard one of the guards mentioning that Lucius would be visiting him. John had chosen the heaviest object he could find in the room that he could hold comfortably; a small bust of some unknown person and had waited in an alcove near the door.

_If he could somehow gain the upper hand, maybe hold the man as a hostage…_

When the door finally opened later that evening, John waited as Lucius stepped into the room, his back to him, then swiftly raised the bust high with both hands and heaved it at Lucius' head - but the giant had weaved at the last moment, the bust slamming against his shoulder instead.

John came to on the ground a few minutes later, a siren going off inside his head; one side of his face a study in shattering pain. He didn't even recollect seeing Lucius move towards him, the man was fast.

Gazing at his son, Lucius could see the wheels of violence turning in his mind.

He couldn't help but feel somewhat proud of that; even in his son's state, the Daravilus blood still flowed through him.

"That bust was quite heavy, I could have been badly hurt." smiled Lucius.

John continued glaring at him.

"I've had all the dangerous items removed from your room; when you are ready to return you will be safe there."

John tuned the man out and quietly tried to size up the situation.

_He couldn't allow himself to be locked away again._

"So… nothing to say, Nahkhan? No remorse for trying to kill me?"

John forced his face to soften. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking clearly."

Lucius stared at him. "No, apparently you were not."

"I was tired of being locked up. Let me go back to my room, but...not locked in. I was confused, I'm better now."

"You've been gone a long time, Nahkhan; do not mistake my love for you as weakness." Lucius turned, nodding to one of the guards who motioned to someone out of John's line of sight. Moments later another guard walked into the room, his hand gripped tightly on Carson's arm.

John rose to his feet, at the sight of his friend who looked thinner, disheveled and was still limping heavily. John opened his mouth, then snapped it shut and turned to Lucius.

"Why is he here?" he asked while trying not to look at his friend.

Carson's eyes flicked wildly from John to Lucius and back again. It had been so long since he saw John, the dread of him being dead washing over the Scot again and again. For all the days he was kept in the room, the only person Carson saw after Sarek's visit, was the silent guard who had entered his room only a handful of times within those days with a tray of just bread and water.

Lucius nodded to the guard who pushed Carson to his knees; the guard pulling out his weapon and holding it to Carson's head.

Carson stared at John his mouth moving silently.

Was he _praying_? John's heart clenched as he watched his friend prepare for death.

John pursed his lips, his eyes flicking to the weapon, weighing the chances that the guard would actually shoot.

"He _will_ shoot, on my say so." said Lucius as if reading his mind.

"This man means nothing to me." murmured John, eyes flat as he looked at his captor; he didn't want Carson used as a bargaining chip.

Lucius smiled at him then raised his hand and John watched the guard's finger slowly start to pull on the trigger.

Carson's eyes widened at John, his body trembling.

John's heart slammed in his chest, as he glared at Lucius. His eyes flicking to the guard's hand holding the weapon on Carson, then back to Lucius who looked at him in amusement then turned to the guard, shaking his head and lowering his hand.

"Your face betrays you, my son. I can see how much you care for your friend."

"If anything happens to him..." hissed John.

"If anything happens to him, what? What will you do, Nahkhan?"

"I won't miss the next time." stated John, his tone, dark.

Lucius and John stared at each other, the taller man finally nodding.

"Bring them both." he ordered the guards.

* * *

John cursed under his breath as he was half walked half dragged down a hallway by a surly looking guard; it was hard to stay upright with shackles tight around his ankles and wrists and the guard seemed to be grabbing his arm ridiculously tight for the situation he was in. He could feel his arm growing numb.

"Is this a date?" John murmured, "Cause you're really not my type..."

The guard only grabbed his arm harder and yanked him along.

“Where are you taking us?" John asked looking over in sympathy at Carson who was struggling along next to him in the same predicament.

Lucius who was storming down the hallway in front of them stopped suddenly, turned and lunged at John grabbing him by the hair and slamming his head against the wall.

With no way to defend himself, John hit the wall with a loud thud and collapsed to the ground.

"Colonel!" shouted Carson, struggling against the guard holding him.

Lucius growled, glaring at Carson with fire in his steel grey eyes; causing Carson to freeze in fear.

Then the man turned back to John who was just struggling to sit up, while holding onto the side of his head.

With one hand Lucius grabbed the shackles around John's wrists and yanked him to his feet, then turned and strode down the hallway pulling him forward as he struggled to gain his footing.

A few minutes later they arrived at their destination and John and Carson were unceremoniously dumped to the ground.

Lucius crouched in front of them, and glared at John.

"Why must you test me so?"

John stared at him through eyes etched in pain.

"You are going to be so screwed when I get out of these shackles." he replied, forcing a smile to his lips.

Lucius scoffed, stood and turned his back on them talking to one of the guards.

Carson turned to his friend, mouth agape at the Colonel's bravado.

John winked, giving the doctor a small pained smirk in return.

"You okay, doc?" he asked softly, his eyes suddenly serious, scanning his friend's face.

“Was worried about ya..." Carson's reply came out breathy, nervous, his eyes never leaving John's face.

"Nothing to worry about…we're getting outta here." John replied, with another quick smirk that didn't quite reach his eyes. Some of his wounds still ached but dwelling on them wouldn't help the situation they were in. John gave him a friendly nudge with his elbow and Carson couldn't help but offer a grateful grin in return.

"Finished with your little reunion, are we?"

Both men turned to look up at Lucius.

"Son, I thought that you needed a little time to contemplate things, but that doesn't seem to have done any good."

He glanced at a metal door next to them, then motioned to a guard and nodded towards Carson.

"Wait, what…" started John.

The guard grabbed Carson dragging him to his feet and removed his shackles as Lucius smiled at John then pressed in a code on a small panel on the wall and the door slid open to darkness; a cool breeze emanating from the inky blackness within.

"You seem to care about this crippled one."

"Aye, I ain't crip…" Lucius backhanded Carson across the face shocking him into silence.

"Crippled with a speech impediment. Say goodbye to your friend, son."

John's eyes flew to Carson feeling the fear emanating of off him.

"No! No, take me...I'll go!" shouted John.

Lucius grinned. "No, this way is much better."

John could only watch as Carson, eyes wide in terror was shoved into the dark room the door sliding shut behind him.

"No!" John struggled forward as the guards held him back.

Lucius made him stay until screams could be heard coming from behind the door and until he could see the despair in John's eyes. Then he ordered the guards to return him to his room and lock him in.

**TBC**


	9. Chapter 9

There are many issues with being old.

Your bones creak like an un-oiled rocking chair and you are constantly having to slow down to catch your breath, cursing the ancientness of your lungs.

However, one _good_ thing was that no one paid you any real mind.

_What kind of trouble can an old woman get into anyways, right?_

Odalia huffed to herself as she shuffled down the corridor stopping in front of the guarded door; the guard looking down at her, eyebrows raised. They stood that way for a moment then she finally sighed.

"Move aside, I want to see him."

The guard looked around then back down at her.

"Why? The Sovereign didn't say anything about you checking on him."

Odalia's face soured.

"What, do you think? I plan on making a break with the poor fellow? Move aside and let me in!"

"He's being sent to the servants quarters later today; they will tend to him." stated the guard.

Odalia raised her eyebrows, and huffed, nodding at the door.

With one more glance around, the guard sighed and shrugged, unlocking the door to the foreign healer's room.

* * *

Entering, she saw the man was sitting on the ground in a corner of the room that was spattered in blood; a small bed and table, the only furniture in the room were over-turned.

He truly did not look well; his body was twitching, he was bloody, with bruises on his face and his eyes had the look of someone who no longer cared to be anywhere in the circle of his own existence.

She had heard that several days earlier, the healer and Nahkhan had been brought to a room on a lower level of the manor, and it was the healer who had been thrown in, then eventually dragged back to this room.

She knew of the room on the lower level, Lucius had set it up years back and told her in no uncertain terms that if she was nosy enough to wander down there, he'd make sure her curiosity led to her own private stay in the room.

He had become quiet then, and leaned down grasping her shoulders when he informed her that she would never survive the stay.

She was old, but she wasn't stupid.

So she stayed away.

But now...now she had to find out, to see for herself what was happening to Nahkhan's friend and Nahkhan who Lucius adamantly refused her access to.

"Healer, can you hear me?"

Carson didn't acknowledge her presence; his blank stare eerie in the dim over-head light.

When Odalia moved forward she suddenly noticed another horror that had been inflicted on the man.

Carson's mouth had been sewn shut.

Four long stitches stood out ugly on his mouth, ragged and blistering.

She gasped, bending forward to touch him, but he suddenly flinched, his face morphing in terror and she watched as he scrambled backwards in vain, frantically trying to get away from her; his glazed eyes wide as he pressed up against the wall.

Odalia stepped back in shock.

"Healer?"

A wounded howl emanated from the man who now had tears streaming down his face as he slowly beat his head against the wall.

"No, don't!" Odalia exclaimed.

She quickly grabbed a pillow on the ground near the overturned bed beside him, getting it behind his head before he could do much damage. Then she slowly lowered Carson on his side watching as he rocked back and forth, a soft keening sound pouring from him as his tear-filled eyes slowly faded into blankness once more.

**TBC**


	10. Chapter 10

_-Two weeks later-_

Odalia was sitting down to her midday meal in her room when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in."

The door opened to two guards and John, dressed in a well-fitting outfit; dark vest, dark long-sleeved shirt and pants matching his raven hair.

"Odalia." he smiled, though she noticed the smile did not reach his eyes.

"Leave us." she told the guards.

Once they were alone, she sat and poured some tea, pouring some in the other cup she had waiting on the table.

"Come and sit, Nahkhan. It's good to see you, I'm glad your father has allowed you this visit. You have been quite busy!" she chuckled. "I heard of your escape attempts, thought he'd have you under lock and key for good!"

John stayed silent as he slowly looked around the room, then slid into the seat across from her ignoring the cup she pushed towards him.

"A clean shaven face suits you." she smiled taking a sip of her tea.

He swiped his chin remembering the beard shaving moment a week before. The crazed look in Lucius' eyes as he held the razor in his mammoth hand was something John would not forget for a long time.

"I would have preferred to have not been restrained while it happened." he muttered.

Odalia's eyebrows rose at that and she chuckled softly imagining the event.

"Well, I'm sure if it was known that you would not try to use the razor as a weapon, then you might not have been restrained."

John shrugged, he was mentally exhausted; his frustration pounding at a door he was trying to keep hidden.

"Odalia," he gently grasped her hand glancing at the door and lowered his voice. "I need to get out of here. You know...you _know_ I'm not his son!"

The old woman sipped her tea. "You've said that every time we've met. What I know is of no importance, my child. You were ill for many days. I'm just glad you are feeling better."

John let go of her hand and slammed his fist on the table. "What the hell is wrong with you people?"

"Peace child, peace" said Odalia softly, a hand raised toward John as she glanced at the door and then lowered her cup.

"I have some news for you, it's about your friend."

John twitched, his eyes narrowing.

"Carson?"

The last time John had seen Carson, was at the dark room before hearing his friend's horrible screams.

_John had spent the following days restrained to his bed after something in him snapped and he attacked two of the guards when they had tried to return him to his room; one of the guards had returned his violence by slamming the butt of his weapon over John's head. When John awoke it was to a cool cloth on his forehead and Lucius sitting nearby._

" _When you are well enough son, the restraints will be removed and we will have no need for locked doors; but first we will have to learn to trust each other again. John's head pounded as he frowned, pondering the duplicity of the restraints and the caring look Lucius gave him as he turned and left._

_A day later, while Lucius had sat reading by John's bedside, the same guard who had knocked him unconscious had entered the room and whispered something in Lucius's ear. John still restrained, silently stared at the man who was now sporting a dark bruise on the side of his face and holding one arm close to his body as if he was protecting his ribs. He wondered how the guard had gotten hurt, he didn't remember hitting him that hard._

_The look of total hatred the guard gave John made him flinch. When the man left he looked over at Lucius; his face must have held the question because Lucius only murmured…_

" _He was out of line when he hurt you, I made him understand the error of his ways." Then he turned back to the book he was reading; leaving John who quietly tested the restraints, trying to come to grips with what was happening to him._

"Your friend is alive." continued Odalia, leaving out the state she had found Carson in, the horrific image etched in her mind; she shook her head slightly.

"He has been staying in the servants' quarters."

John exhaled, feeling a weight suddenly lift from him.

_Beckett was alive!_

He couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips.

He had tried to escape twice after finally being allowed out of his room without a guard, but the feeling of guilt over leaving his friend behind alive or dead had continually dampened his efforts.

He couldn't leave Carson behind.

John had hoped that Atlantis would have figured out where they were, but as the days turned into weeks, the chances that they'd ever see the city or their friends again kept slipping further and further away. In his escape attempts he had hoped to come upon his comm, or weapon stored somewhere, or best scenario, Carson.

However, the manor was too large and with no life signs detector and a plethora of guards and servants who had been told to report and sound an alarm immediately if the "wayward son" of the Sovereign was acting strangely or trying to escape, John kept getting caught.

Now, though guarded once again, Lucius' anger raging after his escape attempts; John decided if he played the role, maybe, eventually the guards' attention span would finally waver and he would have his moment. He would get to someone outside of the manor and get them to contact Atlantis and unleash hell on this place getting him and Carson out of there.

"I'm going to try again, Odalia. When I get my friend, you can come with us."

Odalia slowly tilted her head to the side. "Come with you where? To Atlantis?"

"Yes, Atlantis…I told you…"

A soft smile, "Yes, yes I remember…you are Sheppard, the flying man from the Ancestral city. I remember your ill ramblings."

"It's the truth." John's eyes bored into hers.

"I don’t think you would want your father to hear that." she said, a mix of fear and sadness in her voice.

She quietly returned to sipping her tea as John stared at her.

"Odalia…please." his words were soft but forceful.

She paused, the teacup by her lips then sighed and lowered the cup.

"I will help you as I cannot bear to see you so unhappy, child. I’m old and tired, but if this is one thing I can do to truly make you happy...I will do it."

John grinned and reached for her hand.

**TBC**


	11. Chapter 11

It had been incredibly easy, ridiculously easy in fact.

It was two nights later and Odalia had been racking her brain trying to come up with a way to free Nahkhan from his guarded room, without being indicated in the escape.

The guard himself made it simple.

Bored out of his mind…

" _Sitting for hours by a locked door would do that to anybody_!"

…he would later plea to deaf ears; he had pulled out a bottle from within his uniform and proceeded to drink himself into unconsciousness.

Odalia who couldn't sleep, her mind coming up with schemes that surprised even herself, had decided to go for a late night walk; stopping at the end of the hallway she glanced towards John's room in astonishment.

Pursing her lips, she quickly looked around then made her way as fast as she could towards his door. As she neared, she could smell the cheap liquor coming off the unconscious guard in waves as he sat sprawled back in his chair.

"Making an old woman think too hard for nothing." she muttered as she searched the guard's waistband for the key to the room.

She grabbed it and paused for a moment when she saw his holstered weapon; glancing up at the door then down the hallway then back to the weapon, she then proceeded to pull it from its holster and hide it in the pocket of the robe she was wearing.

She wanted Nahkhan to be free, but if he had the weapon she wasn't sure if he would use it on someone and she didn’t want to be the cause of anyone's death. As for the guard, his fate was his own doing.

* * *

John's frustration was spilling as he paced his room, kicking himself for waiting for Odalia's help; for not just barreling through anyone who got in his way and grabbing Carson and leaving the damned place.

"Way to go, John….stupid…stupid!" he whispered harshly to himself. He felt weak, useless; two feelings that collided with his efforts to stay positive in his and Carson's one day freedom.

"Nahkhan…

…Nahkhan!"

Odalia had called out twice before John noticed her standing by the open door.

His eyes widened when he saw her and that she was alone, he ran over grabbing her by the shoulders.

"It's tonight? You didn't tell me!"

"I didn't know. The moment just…presented itself. You must go, quickly!"

John moved to the door and peered out, seeing the unconscious guard he sprang towards him.

"He has no weapon with him." Odalia said, grabbing onto John's arm.

"You must hurry!"

She quickly gave him directions to the servant's quarters, then to the kitchen area close to it.

"There's a boarded up coal chute no longer in use off the pantry. It's the only way I can think of you getting out of here unnoticed."

"Odalia, come with us! If Lucius finds out what you've done..."

The woman chuckled, "I've done nothing but go for a late night walk. Go Nahkhan, find your friend and continue on your adventure! I’m a tired old woman who must return to her bed."

John smiled and gave her a quick hug. "Thank you." he whispered then turned and moved quickly down the hallway.

"No, thank _you_." whispered Odalia, already missing the young man who had brought a spark back into her life.

She quietly shut the door, returning the key to the guard's waistband; then made her way back to her room.

* * *

John moved down the hallway as fast and as quietly as he could. Luck was with him, it was very late and most of the servants were asleep in their quarters, the guards tired and less aware.

He and Carson were getting out of there if it's the last thing he did.

He arrived at the servants' quarters, then slowly opened the door and stepped inside.

There were servants sleeping on cots spread throughout the dimly lit room, so John tread quietly as they would alert the guards if awoken. He found Carson in a corner of the room, curled up on a cot by the far wall.

"Doc? Oh man, am I glad to see you!" John whispered, gently shaking Carson's shoulder. "Come on, wake up…we're gettin' outta here!"

John's chest tightened in anticipation. It was really happening...the chance he was waiting for! He wouldn't have to escape alone, he wouldn't leave a man behind!

Carson groaned and slowly opened his eyes; blinking for a moment he finally focused on John and gasped, backing up against the wall by his bed in fright.

John froze, confused.

Grabbing his friend by the upper arms he pulled him off the bed to a standing position.

"Carson?" He shook him slightly and frowned at the look of fear in his friend's eyes.

"Doc, it's me...Sheppard! We're getting outta here...come on!"

He grabbed Carson by the arm and headed towards the door, the fact that his friend hadn't uttered a word concerning him deeply. Suddenly, Carson started pulling away from him making John stagger back for a moment, but then hold his ground gripping Carson's arm tighter.

"Carson, what are you doin'? Come on!" he hissed.

The sound of some of the servants starting to wake up made John groan inwardly as he continued to try pulling Carson towards the door; confused but adamant that they had to leave that instant.

Suddenly, lights started to come on as some of the servants awoke and saw John with Carson trying to leave. Their shouts woke the others up and soon the doorway was blocked by several men and women.

"M'lord, what are you doing here?" one of them asked.

_M'lord?_

John hesitated at the title being thrown at him.

"Please…" said another. “You're ill, we'll get you help."

"Look, I don't want to hurt any of you, so just get out of our way!" he argued.

"You’re not in your right mind..." another said. “Arex is not well enough yet, he can’t help you at the moment…you need to stop!"

"Arex?" John frowned, "Who the hell is Arex?" he asked while trying to hold on to a now struggling Carson and contemplating how he was going to get past these people.

" _He_ is." said a servant pointing at Carson.

John turned to his friend.

"Doc, what are they…"

With the room now more brightly lit, John noticed the fading bruises on Carson's face and… the red circular marks around the Scot's mouth, harsh and glaring in the light…

In shock, John let go of his friend…

_They looked like… stitch marks…_

"Wh-what'd they do to you?" John whispered.

Carson's fear-filled eyes glanced at John then down at the ground.

Suddenly an alarm sounded; one of the servants he hadn't seen leave the room slipped back inside, a smile on his face.

"The guards will be here soon, m'lord; please be at ease."

John glanced at Carson who had moved back to his cot and then to the people blocking the doorway; biting his lip he felt a panic arising in him.

_He didn't know what to do…_

Moments later, the door to the room slammed open making the servants scatter and three guards poured through the doorway followed by a very angry Lucius.

"Look, let's just…" started John, his eyes widening as Lucius kept coming towards him. He didn't even have time to raise his arms to defend himself as Lucius' large fist connected with the side of his head and darkness claimed him.

* * *

He came back to awareness slumped against a wall in a hallway, Lucius pacing angrily in front of him.

"Is that all you got?" John groaned, feeling like he was going to throw up; a jackhammer pounding in his brain.

Lucius stopped pacing, glared at him then turned and pressed a code into the panel next to the door John was sitting near…

… _the same door Carson had been pushed through weeks earlier…_

_No…_

"Hey wait..." John tried to pull himself to his feet. "I won't run again, okay? I…"

The door slid open and without a word, Lucius bent forward and grabbed him, yanking him to his feet and shoving him into the dark room; the door quickly sliding shut behind him.

John fell onto his stomach and after a moment slowly pulled himself to his knees, his eyes scanning the room for a light source; there was none…no light...no sound except his own rapid breathing.

The cool air in the room wrapped around his body making him shiver. He looked around trying to adjust his eyes to the darkness; maybe there was some sort of light switch. If he made his way around the room, he could feel for…

A clicking noise interrupted his thoughts; fear locking his breath down as he tried to be as quiet as possible...

The clicking noise sounded again and John's heart almost stopped…

_Oh crap…_

_Bug._

It sounded like the clicking noise a _bug_ would make.

He shuddered, his heart clenching tight at the memory of the Iratus bug.

_Anything but that...please…please…_

The clicking noise sounded again, this time a little closer and suddenly John felt a gust of hot breath against his face. Yelping, he fell onto his back then with eyes wide, scrambled backwards unblinking in the dark until his head slammed painfully against a wall. Sitting up, he shot his arms out searching frantically for the door.

"O-okay! I learned my lesson, let me out!" he shouted, cringing inwardly at the sound of fear in his voice.

But the hidden door remained shut and John's breathing grew faster as he lowered his head protecting his neck… no way any bug was going to latch onto him again.

_Hell no…_

He gasped as he suddenly felt something wrap itself around his right ankle, then with a quick jerk he was yanked forward onto his back; the clicking noise growing louder...more frenzied…

…and then a nightmare was upon him as a multitude of long legs with sharp hairs skittered across his body and a heavy weight landed on his chest.

John tried to struggle but couldn't move, could hardly breathe as he felt the hot sour breath of whatever had landed on him blast across his face.

Some of the legs moved quickly attaching themselves to the side of John's head...

…and his terror grew louder and brighter like fireworks in his mind.

He could feel the sharp hairs of whatever was on him pressing against his skin…

And then the legs suddenly…

Squeezed…

And an explosion went off in John's mind and he screamed…

and screamed…

and screamed…

**TBC**


	12. Chapter 12

Jennifer sat in Carson's quarters staring at his desk. He had a picture of his mother in an old fashioned frame sitting at the corner of it, and for some reason that made Jennifer want to burst into tears.

Carson was a good man and a great doctor...and now he was gone, missing along with Colonel Sheppard. It had been weeks with no news on their whereabouts. The search teams were back, except for Ronon who was still out running down every contact he knew for information. Woolsey had refused Teyla and Rodney's request to leave Atlantis to accompany the Satedan.

" _We need some of you here."_ he had said.

" _If any new information comes up, we'll mount a search, but we need some of you here…what if the Wraith come?"_

Everyone was running around calling in favors, quietly asking their most trusted off-world associates to keep an eye out for John and Carson. It was dangerous giving away the information that their friends were missing; if their enemies found out it would be a race to see who found them first…but they had to try everything.

With all the effort to find them, Jennifer noticed that no one ever mentioned the D word.

She brought it up to Rodney earlier that day and the look in his eyes made her shut her mouth quickly.

They were…

_Not_

_Dead!_

She quickly apologized, but he gave her one more scathing glance then turned and strode down the hallway tapping furiously on his tablet.

She vowed never to bring up that word again; they would find them…they had to.

* * *

The sound of the door opening shook her from her reverie, she looked up to see Teyla standing in the doorway.

"How are you, Jennifer?" asked the Athosian, not surprised at her presence in the room. Teyla's soft smile did not match the look in her brown eyes.

Jennifer wiped at the tears that had started from her own eyes.

"I'm okay, Teyla. How are you doing?"

Teyla stepped into the room and moved to sit on Carson's couch.

"I have just come from Col. Sheppard’s quarters…it has been hard, but we are still trying to find them. I just wanted to stop by here; it helps being around somewhere where they call home. I can feel their presence this way...a little piece of each of them."

Jennifer started to stand. "I'll leave you alone." she murmured.

"No, please stay. It looks like you and I had the same idea." urged Teyla quietly. Then she sat back against the couch and closed her eyes, trying to find peace in her heart where at the moment only frustration lay.

Jennifer nodded slowly then turned back to the desk and the picture of a good man's mother.

* * *

The screams had faded away but Lucius had waited and ten minutes after the last faint scream, he opened the door to the room.

A quick press of another button on the panel and lights flickered on rapidly lightening the darkness. He waited for a moment then stepped through the doorway in time to hear a loud shriek and see his "pet" scamper away from its human perch and go skittering into a corner of the room, vanishing from sight.

Smiling, he turned to the other side of the room, his smile widening. His son writhed on the ground, panting heavily, eyes squeezed shut.

John's mind was splintering, the shards spinning through him; a jagged tornado.

" _Nnnnn..!"_

Thoughts flew through him; staticky, jumbled, sharp, ripping him to shreds.

When he felt a touch on his face, it was like being burned; he gasped, eyes flying open, then squeezing shut once again, the light too painful.

"Nnnn..!" he panicked, trying to slide away from the touch; tears slipping from the corners of his eyes.

"Nahkhan, it's me your father. I've come to take you out of here." whispered Lucius, kneeling by the man's side.

John felt a hand rest on his chest shaking him, and fear shot through him almost slamming him into unconsciousness.

Words were lost and he cried out trying to catch his breath, unable to calm his body.

Lucius paused for a moment, then leaned forward and grabbed John roughly by the sides of his head and turned it whispering sharply into his ear.

John bucked at this, but Lucius held on tight.

"I can leave you in here and turn off the lights again. Or...you can come with me, son. Nahkhan, will you come with me and let me take you from this place?"

Lucius leaned back hands still on John's face and waited, eyes narrowing in anticipation.

He didn’t have to wait long.

A twitching hand reached up and grabbed onto his wrist; John's eyes slowly opening into a pained frightened squint. And after a moment...

"H-hel…p" came the stuttered groan of a reply.

Lucius patted John's hand.

"I'll take that as a yes." he grinned.

* * *

Sarek was scared.

He sat in his quarters watching as Carson slowly moved through the room looking at his store of herbs with a strange look on his face.

The man had barely said a handful of words since the time he spent alone with Lucius, since the dark night when Lucius had ordered Sarek to sew the man's mouth shut. Two guards had held the terrified man down on the ground, his room trashed in the earlier struggle; and with Lucius looking on, Sarek had completed the task.

The stitch work was horrible, the noise the man had made during it before passing out, unforgettable.

Lucius had told Sarek that the man would be called Arex from now on and how he had screamed way too much for his liking, so to shut him up and to avoid hearing the man's odd speech impediment he had ordered this done. Some time with his mouth closed for good would make the man understand that it was better that he was seen, not heard.

Sarek knew the Sovereign was a violent man, vindictive even…but this...he could never imagine this…

After completing his task, his blood-stained hands a reminder of what he had just done; Sarek had stood over the unconscious man, knowing for sure the foreigner would get the gist.

_How could he not?_

Even weeks later, with his sutures removed and the rumors spreading throughout the manor of the strangeness of his speech, the quiet man became even quieter. His muteness almost making him seem to fade from everyone's presence.

The servants were still talking about that night when the Sovereign's son had tried to run off with the healer.

_Could you believe it?_

_Right in our quarters too!_

_He was out of his mind!_

Lucius had ordered Sarek to start teaching the healer about the herbs that he had stored in his quarters and what they were used for.

_Maybe he'll put them to better use than you._

Those last words had terrified the young doctor. Mute or not, he was sure the foreigner already knew much more than he did; and if Sarek taught him about _his_ medicines, then Sarek was pretty sure he'd be out of a job.

And one did not leave the employ of Lucius Daravilus, except by death; a natural one or by his will.

Sarek swallowed heavily.

"So...maybe this is too much for you?" he asked hesitantly.

Carson turned to him and shook his head, then turned back to the wall of bottled herbs taking time to study their labels.

"Thought you didn't want to stay here...that you wanted to go back to your Atlantis." scoffed Sarek, truly hoping that the man would just disappear or die and silently dreading that he would remember it was him who had hurt him so badly.

The stitch marks were fading but still made Sarek flinch every time he saw them.

Carson twitched slightly, then made his way over to where Sarek was sitting.

His eyes at first roamed everywhere except Sarek's face then suddenly he was staring straight at him; his blue eyes almost piercing the young healer's soul. And at that moment Sarek was sure that the man knew it was him who had hurt him.

They stayed like that for a moment, the stare a cacophony in the silence; then Carson slowly turned and went back to examining Sarek's wares leaving the young healer breathless, his emotions battling within.

* * *

…

"Nahkhan..?"

…

"Nahkhan, open your eyes."

…

"Nahkhan!"

A hard smack across his face and John's eyes snapped open, head bobbing back then rolling into his chest. It took a moment for him to raise his head and start to focus on his surroundings.

He was in a large chair, his wrists and ankles were bound and his clothes had been changed. He was now clad in dark pants and a white dress shirt open at the collar, its sleeves rolled up.

John blinked rapidly at Lucius who stood in front of him rubbing his hands together.

"How are you feeling?" The man's words were mellow, belying the darkness in his eyes.

John opened his mouth to answer, then found that no words would come. He felt like if a tidal wave was crashing inside him; a choking sound emanated from his throat as he subconsciously pulled at his restraints. He continued to blink, brows furrowing at Lucius who was now crouched by his side.

"Okay, let's get this over with." said Lucius.

John twitched in his chair as the man swiped John's sweat stained hair away from his forehead into a semblance of neatness. Then he grabbed John’s chin, turning his face left and right. Smiling in approval he stood, resting a hand on John’s shoulder then turned and nodded to a guard at the door.

The guard led in three locals from the village, two men and a woman; all dark-haired and poorly dressed in muted tones, all looking down at the ground as they shuffled into a line standing in front of the chair where John sat.

"Nahkhan." stated Lucius, his calm look directed towards the locals, "I cannot have any more confusion about who you are...do you understand me? That time is over."

John stared at the locals then up at Lucius, the words still not coming.

"Tell them who you are." ordered Lucius.

A wash of images flooded through John, but he found he wasn't sure about anything anymore.

Lucius nodded to a guard who pulled out his weapon and shot the first local, who fell dead at John's feet.

John flinched his eyes widening at the blood pooling around the body of the dead man.

Lucius' grip on his shoulder tightened.

"Nahkhan, these people are relying on you knowing who you are, their very life depends on it." Lucius' gaze never left the locals as he spoke.

John stared at the two remaining people who trembled in front of him; the woman chancing a look up, with tears in her eyes…

_Please_ she mouthed silently.

John felt the storm in his mind building, tightening around him.

His mouth opened in shock and suddenly, the words came…

"S-stop..." he stuttered, his body twitching uncontrollably. “I…”

Lucius nodded at the guard who aimed and blew the woman to her death.

The terror-filled eyes of the one man left standing found John's.

"My lord, my lord...tell him! You're his son...you're his son! Please!"

Guards held the man on either side as he struggled in fright.

Panting, eyes wide and glazed, John turned to Lucius who finally looked at him.

"It's the only way." Lucius' voice was calm. "I’ve tried everything else, but you won't let go of your delusions. You are and have always been my son, but you turned away from me."

Lucius crouched in front of John. "I want to be proud of you again." he whispered, warmth in his eyes.

They stared at each other for a moment then John felt something in him, shift…

_I want to be proud of you again…_

_He had been proud of me?_

…and fall away.

He blinked, a long sigh escaping him and a curtain slowly moved aside in his mind showing what he could not see before.

It seemed so clear now.

"Father?" John’s voice was soft, questioning; when Lucius smiled at him nodding, he continued.

"M-my name is Nahkhan..." He whispered, his voice hitching, confusion and acceptance at war inside of him.

"I-I'm sorry…I-I'll make you proud of me again."

"That's all I wanted to hear." smiled Lucius.

He motioned to the guards who pulled the surviving local from the room, the man weeping his gratitude.

"Thank you m'lord...thank you!"

Then Lucius gently undid John's restraints and pulled him into a hug.

"My son." he whispered.

Shocked for a moment, his face drawn in confusion, it dawned on John that his father was hugging him; something in him said he hadn't felt that in a very long time.

A moment later, he slowly hugged his father back…

It felt good.

**TBC**


	13. Chapter 13

A month had passed and Carson was feeling more a part of the Daravilus household; in spite of the obvious efforts Sarek was making to turn everyone against him.

" _Doesn't know what he's doing, don't know why the Sovereign allows him to stay, a crippled mute…"_ was the latest remark he had overheard Sarek laughingly say in front of some of the servants.

That he should, "… _go back to wherever he came from and leave the proper healing to the experts."_

Carson sat at his table in the room the Sovereign had given to him, writing in his notebook. It was his idea book where he listed the herbs available to him and the different ways they could be used. He had also sketched out ideas on better ways to make casts and braces for those in need.

He glanced down at his leg, he no longer wore the brace Sarek had made him all those weeks before, but his leg still ached fiercely if he stood on it too long.

_It was a bad construction._ He thought to himself.

The notebook he wrote in was a new one, the original had disappeared from his room under "mysterious" circumstances weeks earlier. Right around the same time, Sarek had trimmed his hair and started walking around head held high and snapping at those who dared to question him.

Carson stopped writing, sitting back in his chair and looked around the room, his very own room; big enough for a small sleeping and sitting area and a space where he could store and mix medicines of his own.

He smiled to himself thinking how lucky he was that he was feeling better; the weeks before, a blur of pain and confusion, nightmares, dark shadows leaning over him, sharp agony. Lately though, his two steady thoughts keeping him going were that he felt in his heart that he had been a good healer…and that the Sovereign's son had called him friend.

His smile widened as he recalled their meeting (or re-meeting, since they supposedly knew each other before) several days ago.

He had been called to Sarek's quarters to watch as he patched up a hurt guard. Sarek wanted him to see the "right" way of being a healer. When Carson had entered his quarters, he heard the guard hissing in pain as Sarek tended to a wound on the man's leg; the healer was doing a bad job of it and the guard was feeling it all.

" _Move closer, you can't see anything from over there!" Sarek ordered._

_When Carson stepped forward, he noticed someone was leaning against a wall in the shadows behind the bed where the guard lay._

_When the figure stepped forward, Carson gasped slightly lowering his gaze._

_Seconds passed and he looked up to find the Sovereign's son silently staring at him._

_As Sarek finished bandaging the guard's wound, he noticed the silence in the air and looked up to find the mute and the Sovereign's son staring at each other._

" _Er...m'lord my work is done, he'll be okay." Sarek stated, pointing at the guard who pulled himself off the bed knocking Sarek back a little on purpose as he did._

_Sarek straightened himself and watched as the guard glanced at John in annoyance, then slight fear as the look John gave him made him start. Then the guard nodded slightly at John, and with a grunt left the room leaving Sarek standing between the two silent men._

" _M'lord?"_

" _Thank you, Sarek." said John still in a staring match with Carson._

_The stigma of the crazy prodigal son was still held over John, but as the weeks went by, people started to notice something almost dangerous about him._

_He wasn't violent, but was polite and soft spoken in most cases; but when he looked at you, it was like a storm was raging within him that he was holding at bay...but only just._

_Sarek huffed then moved towards Carson._

" _I don't need you anymore… you saw me in action; I hope you took notes, you can leave now."_

" _Wait.” said John, his eyes never leaving Carson. “How are you?" he asked the quiet man._

_Carson opened his mouth then slowly shut it._

_Sarek looked from John then back to Carson._

" _He doesn't talk m'lord, remember?"_

" _Right...a speech impediment so I've heard. Well, I don't care what he sounds like. I heard we knew each other once, so I'm glad to see my friend again."_

_Carson's eyes widened as did Sarek's._

" _He's no friend of yours m'lord! He filled your head with delusions and kept you from your father!"_

" _And you know this for a fact?"_

_The look John gave Sarek shut him up quickly and John surged forward putting his arm around Carson's shoulder._

" _Let's get out of here and we can talk. No…well, I'll talk." he smirked._

And with that, Carson smiled to himself…he had found a friend.

* * *

"How well do you know Arex?"

"Sorry?"

John looked up from his meal at Lucius who sat at the head of the table.

"The cripple, how well do you know him?" questioned Lucius.

John's brow furrowed.

"He's my friend."

Lucius took a sip from his drink.

"He could have been your friend, or a complete stranger you happened to fall down next to." He cut into the food on his plate. "Or... the person who kept you from me all these years."

"Wait..." John sat back in his chair. "You think he kept me locked up for _years_? That I was his prisoner?"

"You don't have to be locked up to be imprisoned, son." sighed Lucius. "You were always one to follow an adventure; maybe he convinced you that by leaving your home you would find the adventure you most likely were seeking."

"I'm not that gullible." frowned John.

"You aren't that gullible _now_ , son… _now_. Years ago…?" Lucius shrugged his shoulders. "Just be on your guard. I don't want to see you dragged back into your delusions; you've been doing so well lately."

"I know, I'll be fine." said John digging into his meal.

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rabbit hole grows deeper for John and Carson as they continue to be swallowed up in Lucius' world.  
> But a change is coming...for the better? For the worse?  
> Hmm...


	14. Chapter 14

It was late...or very early; Rodney didn't know or really care.

He made his way down the deserted hallway, his tablet tucked under his arm, his mind far away.

He found himself in the mess hall not remembering walking there, and found Teyla sitting by herself in the empty room staring into a cup; her hands wrapped around it on the table in front of her. He stopped for a moment, unsure, then made his way over to the table sitting across from her.

Teyla slowly raised her head, her eyes were sad, tired.

"Couldn't sleep?" He asked, resting his tablet on the table and pushing it aside.

She tried a smile, but it failed.

"Me neither." he sighed. "Ronon?"

Teyla sat back, pushing her cold cup of tea aside and shook her head.

"He is not going to stop until he finds them…we should be out there with him. We are useless here, with still no signs... and Woolsey will not…"

"Look, okay…I've tried...I-I've tried everything!" Rodney stammered, his feelings of guilt interrupting her. "I mean, I'm smart, Teyla...I'm a freakin' genius! So why can't I find them?" He glanced at his tablet, the sudden feeling to grab it and throw it across the room echoing in his mind.

Teyla sighed and leaned forward grabbing his hand and holding tight.

"Rodney…this is not your fault. Our contacts have not come in yet, but they will. We are going to find them." She squeezed his hand a little tighter and in a show of emotion he would deny later, he put his other hand on top of hers and squeezed back, slowly nodding.

"I'll die before I stop trying." he whispered, his voice heavy.

* * *

_The room was pitch black, except for a light coming from somewhere above him, staining the room in splotchy shadows. He thought he was alone until a figure emerged out of the darkness; the thin light touching long brown hair, but the face, an enigma in the shadows. John took a hesitant step forward._

" _Who's there?" he whispered, then watched as the figure raised an arm into the light and point at him; a sudden high-pitched scream filling the room causing John to wince and stumble back. He knew that scream, it was from a woman; someone he knew…someone…He took a step forward, hands clasped to his ears._

" _Who are you?" he shouted over the scream that was steadily growing louder. His eyes widened as the figure of the woman seemed to grow in height, her hair turning to a white that gleamed off the overhead light. Her face came into view as it entered the light and John's gaze turned upward at the towering figure in front of him, at its grey skin and feral eyes._

_He was wrong…_

… _it wasn't a woman._

_He slowly lowered his hands to his sides, mouth agape as the screaming turned to a shuddering exhale of hunger from the figure. He took a defensive step back when his eyes moved to the outstretched arm in front of him. Its hand no longer pointing, but outstretched with impossibly long fingers, palm towards him._

_He shook his head in denial at the…_

… _was that a mouth in its hand?_

_The figure gave a low chuckle…_

… _then lunged at him._

John awoke gasping on the floor by the side of his bed, his bedspread wrapped around his legs; his night clothes stained in sweat. He kicked the covers away from him and lay there hand against his chest, panting in the dark; blinking rapidly against the fear that threatened to overwhelm him.

* * *

The morning sun had just crossed its way into noon when Odalia knocked on John's door.

"Odalia, it's good to see you." he smiled.

The old woman shuffled into his room, brushing aside John's help as she made her way to a nearby chair. Once seated, she peered at the brash young man sitting across from her and sighed quietly to herself.

She thought she would never see him again, that he and his friend would have escaped. Alas no...Lucius' iron hold on the man was too strong. She heard he had been taken to _that_ room as his friend was. Now, he was…different. He was smiling, but there was something in his eyes; a frantic terror flicking through the moss trying to bury itself behind a facade.

This would not end well.

But what was she to do? She always knew the man in front of her was not Nahkhan; she had helped raise the boy from a suckling infant to the youth he was when he left for his "adventure" years before. The "adventure", she thought, most likely a way to escape the violence of his upbringing.

She was the only one who knew, besides Lucius that is. He _had_ to know this wasn't his son. Several days ago she had finally decided to confront Lucius about it.

The look in his eyes when she spoke the words…

" _He's not your son, you know he's not Nahkhan."_

She gulped, remembering the darkness that had grown behind his eyes. She had recanted right away; stating that it was her old eyes playing tricks on her, that of course Nahkhan had returned to him.

This man did have quite a resemblance to the Nahkhan she remembered, with similar features; they could have passed for cousins. She shook her head, concerned over Lucius' denial of the truth; but the fear of what Lucius was capable of would make her hold her tongue…this was not an old woman's business...from now on she would make sure to play her part.

"How are you, Nahkhan? You look tired." She watched him blink, a scent of confusion behind his eyes.

"I'm …well enough I guess."

"No more ramblings?"

John's eyes widened. "No, no more of that nonsense, I'm better now." he chuckled softly. "Arex has given me a clean bill of health."

"Not Sarek?"

John shrugged, unconcerned.

"Well, that is good to hear. How have you and your father been getting along?"

Odalia's brow furrowed as she watched John's eyes slowly lose focus as he drew into himself, lost to a conversation he had with his father…

* * *

_It was a week before when Lucius had come to his room as he was preparing for bed._

" _Khaval." stated Lucius, leaning against the wall by the door and watching John intensely._

_Sitting on the edge of his bed, John was confused._

" _I'm sorry?" he asked._

_Lucius took a step forward, his intense stare never leaving John's face._

" _Khaval." he repeated._

_John slowly rose to his feet. "I don't understand."_

_Lucius' eyes narrowed._

" _You truly don't remember your own brother?"_

_John's breath hitched. Brother? This was the first he was hearing about this. He shook his head slowly. "I have a brother?"_

_His father's unnatural stillness was making him nervous._

" _Had...you had a brother."_

_Frowning, John stayed silent hoping Lucius would explain._

" _I was waiting for you to bring him up, but I guess just like before, you didn't think about him."_

_Lucius took another step forward, eyes still on John._

" _He was two years younger than you...the year you turned coward and ran away."_

_John flinched at that._

" _You were to take part in the Games...you remember the Games, don't you, son? You, my eldest…eighteen years old...and ready to make the Daravilus name proud...make me proud."_

_Lucius took another step forward and reminded John that the Games were a show of strength that had been going on once a year, for over fifty years on a distant planet. Wealthy families entered in their eldest sons to fight in sporting events that were so treacherous, they often led to the deaths of many of the competitors._

_The winner would gain a large monetary award and their family's name would be spoken about throughout the planets._

_The year Nahkhan had turned eighteen would have made him of age to fight in the Games._

" _Khaval was always begging me to be a part of it. He trained...and trained...he understood what it would take to win."_

**_Another step closer._ **

" _But I told him, no. It's your brother's birthright, he's the eldest. He will stand for our family."_

_John's breathing quickened, he felt trapped as Lucius neared, his legs pressed up against the side of the bed; Lucius' dark aura locking his feet in place._

" _The night before the Games were to begin, Khaval came to me with a note he had found."_

**_Step._ **

" _A note?"_

" _Found in your room addressed to me." Lucius's calm voice drenched the room in deadly tension._

" _Father, I long for adventure, so I'm leaving to see if I can find it. Your son, Nahkhan."_

_Seeing the look on John's face, Lucius sneered slightly._

" _Oh yes, I memorized it, then I destroyed it along with the rest of your belongings."_

_John swallowed heavily. "Did…did Khaval take my place? Did he win?"_

**_Step._ **

_Lucius was now in arm's length of John, his continuing piercing stare finally making John's legs give out and he sat down hard on the side of the bed, looking up at the man who towered over him._

_Lucius bent down and cupped the younger man's chin in his hand._

" _It was late morning by the time I awoke after spending half the night trying to figure out where you went. I went to talk to your brother and found another note._

_Going to look for Nahkhan. I'll bring him back to you, Father._

_One line...and he was gone. I lost both my son's that night."_

_Lucius removed his hand taking a step back._

" _And I never..." he raised a fist at John, "Never, to this day could understand how you could do that to me, to run away like you did…a coward."_

" _What happened to him?" John asked softly, his eyes locked onto Lucius' face._

_Lucius lowered his fist, his arms by his side._

" _I searched for both of you. You? You disappeared. Khaval? Months later I heard there was a body of a young man matching his description… found murdered, in a ditch on a distant planet. The news reached me too late; by the time I got there, his body had already been burned by the townspeople as was their custom for the unclaimed dead…_

… _the unclaimed dead." Lucius repeated._

" _This is all I have left of him." Lucius pulled at a chain around his neck, a gold ring dangling from it. "A present from me to him on his sixteenth birthday. They held onto it for identification, they said they did that for all their unclaimed dead; just-in-case loved ones, one day came looking for them…_

_Going on your adventure killed your brother. It's your fault he's dead, Nahkhan."_

_Lucius had paused for a moment then, the silence almost deafening John._

" _The day I found you and your healer friend? The day of this year's Games. Imagine that…"_

_His eyes darkened. "You are the only son I have left. Don't ever disappoint me again."_

_The last line dripping in malice, echoed in John's head as Lucius turned and left the room. John had then lay on his bed, his eyes squeezed shut; the guilt over a dead forgotten brother hanging over him._

* * *

"Nahkhan?"

Odalia's voice startled John back to the present.

She noticed a sudden determined look in his eyes.

"You and your father?" she asked.

The smile he turned at her, made something inside her twitch with worry.

"I'm going to make him proud." he replied.

**TBC**


	15. Chapter 15

Carson had tried to stop him...had even tried to use his voice to tell Sarek to stop; but the young healer would not listen to him and now they both stood before the Sovereign in his sitting room.

"News has traveled back to me Sarek, tell me what happened." ordered Lucius, his back to them as he stood by his open balcony doors.

It was a simple case of chest congestion; Carson knew that, his eyes widening as Sarek had started to crush the wrong herb to boil into a drink for the young boy who lay coughing in his family's small home in the center of the village.

Carson had grabbed Sarek's arm to alert him to the fact; shaking his head as he pointed to the herb, but the healer had pulled his arm away and continued, finally pouring some of the elixir for the boy to drink.

Worried, Carson had rushed forward and knocked the cup from Sarek's hand, spilling the contents onto the ground.

The child's parents were shocked as Sarek turned in anger to the silent man.

"You fool! Look what you've done!" Sarek shouted.

He turned to the parents. "I'm sorry, he's still learning; he's my apprentice but a little slow in the head." he muttered giving Carson a dirty look as he went to pour more of the medicine.

_Apprentice?_ Thought Carson.

" _Nay...I'm not...Stop! It's the wrong herb!"_

It was only when he saw Sarek helping the child to drink the concoction that he realized he hadn't actually spoken out loud...but by then it was too late.

Within minutes the boy was seizing and then abruptly stopped breathing.

Carson had frantically moved forward... _CPR! CPR! CPR!_ Echoing in his mind.

Though for the life of him he didn't know what CPR meant at that moment...only that he had to help the boy.

He didn't get far; in ignorance and misplaced anger, the young boy's father had shoved Carson back, then punched him in the side of the face throwing him into unconsciousness.

* * *

"Sovereign, the boy was too ill! I tried to help him, but he was too far gone!"

Sarek was terrified. It was only after he returned to his quarters that he realized he had pulled the wrong herb to use; he hadn't looked carefully and had picked up the wrong bottle.

Lucius turned and glared at Sarek, then looked over at John who sitting nearby watching both Sarek and Carson quietly…intently.

John reached over and pulled a notebook from a nearby drawer and held it up.

"This notebook was found in your room, Sarek."

_My notebook!_ Thought Carson, his eyes flicking to Sarek in time to see the young healer pale noticeably.

"Th-that's my notebook." Sarek stuttered.

"And this one…" John pulled another book from the drawer, "…was found in Arex's quarters; same handwriting inside."

"I…he...he must have taken my book and..." Sarek was trembling now.

"Enough!" shouted Lucius and turned to Carson.

"According to some of the servants, the boy's family said it looked like you were trying to warn Sarek; that you actually knocked the cup out of his hand, is that true?"

Carson glanced at John, then Lucius then back down at his feet, nodding.

"You knew it was the wrong medicine?"

Carson sighed heavily and nodded again.

Lucius' eyes narrowed as he turned to Sarek.

"Sarek, ever since Arex joined us, I've been hearing stories about you. You've been strutting around as if with Arex's arrival you have suddenly gained the knowledge of the world…or of a healer with more experience than you ever had."

Lucius held up his hand when Sarek started to protest.

"I have ears everywhere boy; your mockery of Arex has not gone unnoticed. Neither has the fact that while you were boasting, Arex was learning." Lucius glared at Sarek for a moment, then went to stand by John laying a hand on his shoulder.

"We cannot have two healers, son." Lucius slowly rested his other hand on his weapon holstered to his side and Sarek's eyes widened in fear. "I'll leave it to you to choose."

John's breath was calm, eyes steady as he looked at the two healers.

"Wait…that's not fair!" cried Sarek. "He's friends with Arex!"

John eyes darkened at the sound of Sarek's whining; his eyes flicking to Carson who stood frozen in place, the bruise from the dead child's father still prominent on the side of his face.

"Choose." Lucius said. John stared at Carson for a moment longer, then nodded.

"I choose Arex." he said.

Lucius nodded and in one smooth movement pulled his weapon and shot Sarek in the chest.

Sarek went down hard, the sound of the weapon discharge echoing in the ensuing momentary silence.

With a gasp, Carson's first instinct had him trying to rush to Sarek's side, but suddenly the Sovereign's son was in the way grabbing him by the shoulders.

"Don't." John warned.

Carson's thoughts exploded into chaos.

_This is wrong! My fault, my fault! Save him! Save him!_

His hands fumbled in the air grabbing onto John's arms trying to steady himself...steady his mind.

"It was either you or him, Arex." John said bluntly.

When Carson only stared up at him, John grimaced slightly at the look in his eyes; and as Sarek's last gasp of breath seeped through the room, Carson couldn't help but notice a flicker of guilt behind the Sovereign's son's eyes.

"I think I made the better choice, don't you?" John whispered.

Carson stared at the dead man on the floor and wasn't sure of the answer.

* * *

"Hit me." smiled Lucius.

It was several days later and he and John were in the outer courtyard sparring.

The sun was warm on his face, the sky a cloudless blue and John was itching for a release of pent up energy. He had spent the past few days running errands for his father. Going down to the village with some of the guards to collect the monthly taxes from the villagers, mediating arguments between the servants and sometimes the guards and doing day to day things to make sure the manor kept running.

He was the other Daravilus ruling presence when his father was not there and even when he was. Though at first the manor's household did not embrace this change, they were starting to learn that talking to Nahkhan was talking to his father and due respect was to be given…as their punishment was swift when it wasn't.

It wasn't often that he left the confines of the manor just for fun, so it was a smile that graced his lips as he circled Lucius.

He had spent the last few days in a funk, thinking about the healers.

_It hadn't been difficult to choose, Arex was his friend. Now...and from before. So why did a persistent feeling of guilt keep washing over him? Yes, Sarek was dead...but Arex was the better healer._

He looked at Lucius.

_Even his father knew that…_

_So what was the problem?_

John shook his head trying to focus and looked up in time to see a fist flying towards his face.

The brick wall of pain that ensued flattened him onto his back.

Sounds flooded out, then slowly returned as he saw his father leaning over him, hand outstretched.

Once on his feet, Lucius smiled at him, placing his large palm on the side of John's face.

"Pay attention." he admonished.

"Thought I was." John winced, a quick smirk on his lips.

"Evidently, not well enough." came the retort with a grin.

"Nahkhan. I'm going to remind you of something you seem to have forgotten. To win in battle, it's not always about the physical."

Lucius held up his fist to John's face.

"More often than not, it's about knowing _who_ you are fighting. If you can tell what's going on in here…" he pointed to his head. "You have a better chance of knowing what your opponent is going to do before even he knows. I taught this to you and your brother years ago...though Khaval _was_ the better student."

A twinge of annoyance flitted through John at those words.

"I'm a good fighter."

"Prove it, then."

Lucius stepped back and raised his fists.

* * *

Later that night, Carson lay in his bed, awake in the darkness as thoughts of the past few days pressed down on him.

_The Sovereign's son chose me._

_I'm the better healer._

_Sarek was too young to die!_

_I'm glad I was chosen._

He tossed and turned on his small bed, trying to find physical comfort, his mind not allowing it.

_Sarek should have listened to me!_

_But I didn't speak!_

_Is this my fault?_

_Is Sarek's death my fault?_

_Am I to blame?_

He lay in this limbo for another hour before sleep finally claimed him; and as rain began to fall outside his window; Carson dreamt.

He dreamt of a silver castle sitting on sparkling water, with turrets reaching towards the sky.

He dreamt of hair that looked like tree branches, of monsters with mouths for hands.

He dreamt that he was flying through space with the Sovereign's son by his side, and an overwhelming feeling of acceptance and regret swept through him.

He dreamt that he had _belonged_ somewhere far from the manor, that he had had _friends_ , people who cared about him.

And as the rain spattered loudly against his window pane, Carson groaned in his sleep; a tear sliding down his face as a word slipped from the dream and past his lips…

"Atlantis..."

**TBC**


	16. Chapter 16

Days had passed and Carson quietly sat in a corner as he watched John examining the bottles of herbs in his quarters.

"You have a good set up here." said John. He turned and smiled at Carson who seemed to be trying to meld with the wall behind him.

"You're quieter than usual," John murmured. "And that's saying a lot. I haven't seen much of you lately, you've been keeping to the shadows."

He tilted his head slightly, "And you've been avoiding me."

Carson's eyes widened and he shook his head quickly looking down at his lap.

Frowning, John pulled a chair over and sat in front of the nervous man.

"You okay?"

Whatever past he shared with this man was locked behind a vague confused door in his mind, but he knew…he could tell that they had been friends. His gut screamed that at him whenever he saw the man's face.

"You look tired, Arex. Bad dreams?"

Carson's head flew up, his eyes locking onto John's. He opened his mouth, then closed it slowly and nodded.

For the past few nights he would awaken in the darkness of his room with a heaviness in his heart that he didn't understand; whatever dreams he just had slipping from his grasp before he could remember them.

John leaned back in his chair. "I've had a few myself." his eyes darkened for a moment, then he smiled and leaned forward shaking Carson's arm. "You are way too tense…speak to me, Arex; I thought we were friends."

Carson blinked and swallowed heavily, glancing around the room already knowing they were the only ones there, but still not being able to help himself.

"We…we are." his whisper was almost inaudible, but the grin on John's face was as if he had shouted it from the rooftops.

"Good to know." John smiled.

* * *

"Nahkhan what is your purpose here?"

"Purpose?"

It was the following afternoon and John looked up from where he was sparring with a guard, another guard looking on; to find Lucius standing in the doorway to the room they were in.

"The Ancestors have deemed it fit that you were returned to me, why do you think that is?"

John walked over to a towel on a nearby bench and wiped at the sweat on his face; aware that the two guards had fallen silent, their eyes fixed on him, their ears perked for his answer to their Sovereign's question.

"I..." John gave a side-glance to the guards, annoyed at their overt curiosity.

The Sovereign's son had been back for weeks, spending most of his free time either in the company of the mute healer, exercising trying to gain his strength back after his sickness, or as a shadow. Startling many of the manor staff as he would just seem to appear out of nowhere, annoyingly stealthy, his eyes laser like, taking in everything around him.

_Like father, like son, they thought._

"You were proud of me once." John shrugged, "Maybe they've been giving me another chance to prove that I'm still worthy of that pride. Have I proven them wrong?"

Silence.

The guards' eyes flicked from Lucius to John then back again.

Lucius gave a short nod. "Come with me."

* * *

John was led across the manor to a room with its furniture pushed against the walls; leaving a small circle in the center where a middle-aged man with thinning red hair knelt, his eyes to the ground, his body trembling.

Two guards stood silently by the doorway as Lucius and John entered the circle.

Lucius pointed at the kneeling man. "This is Elias. He was arrested for stealing some vegetables from a stand in the village square. He said they were for his family because they were hungry."

John frowned at Lucius. "Why is he here, in the manor?"

Lucius' eyes turned flat, his mouth quirking slightly. He cast a side-long look to John, then unholstered his weapon and offered it to him.

"The punishment for stealing, is death."

"Death?" John took a step away from the man. "For stealing food?"

"I am Sovereign of this land, when one steals from anyone, they are in turn stealing from me. He stole from me, Nahkhan…from your father."

"I…" John stared at the weapon in Lucius' hand then at the kneeling man and slowly shook his head as if in a trance. He wanted to please his father but…

"I can't…it's…not right." the words felt heavy in his mouth.

There was a moment of deathly silence making John glance warily at Lucius, who had turned his back on him and the man who had yet to utter a word in his own defense.

"It's not right that he stole from me _?_ Or it's not right that you should kill him for it?" Lucius' voice was quiet icy steel.

John opened his mouth to answer, then stopped and closed his mouth a look of confused apprehension on his face.

"Well…both." he replied, sounding slightly unsure.

Lucius turned to him.

"Both?" he echoed, his lips curling as if he just tasted something rank.

"So he should feel free to steal from me at any time as the need arises then?"

"There are other forms of punishment." John argued.

"Not for this." Lucius held the weapon up again. "Kill him."

They stood in a silent face-off for a few moments, then John stepped forward, slowly taking the weapon from Lucius' hand and turned aiming it at the kneeling man.

_The kneeling thief..._

_This man stole from his father..._

John gripped the weapon tighter, his finger on the trigger, eyes narrowing at the cowering man in front of him.

_A criminal…_

_His father was right…this man was…_

Elias sighed then, a shuddering sigh of resignation that echoed throughout his body; and John blinked, brows furrowing, then removed his finger from the trigger and lowered his trembling arm to his side.

_No!_

_I want to make my father proud!_

_He just wanted to feed his family!_

_Kill him!_

John squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head in pain; as he pressed the palm of his free hand against the side of his head.

_What do I do?_

_What do I do?_

"Nahkhan!" Lucius hissed.

John's eyes snapped open and he stared at Elias who was still on his knees, then turned to Lucius and handed the weapon back to him.

"There has to be another way." John said quietly, his heart pounding in his chest.

Lucius' eyes narrowed as he slowly re-holstered his weapon then turned to the guards.

"Take the prisoner and torture him until he cries for death…but _do_ _not_ kill him." Lucius stared at John as he said this part.

"Then go to the village and find his wife…bring her here and torture her in front of him until she cries for death…but _do not_ kill her. Then…"

"Stop." urged John.

"Then, bring his son…"

"No!" John shouted.

"Then his young daughter…"

"Stop it!"

John turned to Elias, angry at the man for placing him in this situation.

"His family was hungry, he just wanted to feed them!"

"And because of you son, they will now _all_ suffer for his crime and then be put to death, because he did not receive his righteous punishment!"

Lucius motioned for a guard who pulled the quiet trembling man to his feet. As they turned to leave the man jerked out of the guards grasp and turned to John; who would forever remember how green the man's eyes were in a face full of hardship and love for a family he had only tried to feed.

His eyes bored into John's and with a voice filled with resignation and regret he said…

"You should have just killed me…

…you coward."

* * *

Later that night, a noise jolted John from his sleep.

"Who's there?" he mumbled, sleep still on his lips.

It had taken him hours to fall asleep, the words of the condemned man echoing in his head.

"That you, Arex?"

Sometimes the healer would come to his room and they would talk, well he would do most of the talking; but overtime he had squeezed a few words from the quiet man.

But it was late, too late for a visit.

John suddenly became more alert, sitting up in bed and stared into the darkness of the room. He cursed the smallness of his window, which barely let in any moonlight and vowed to ask his father for a change of rooms; one with big open windows that let in air and light to make him feel less like he was sleeping in a dungeon.

_Though maybe a dungeon was what he deserved._

"You…

…coward." whispered a voice from the darkness.

John lunged for the lamp by his bedside at same moment he heard someone rushing towards him; then suddenly he was grabbed, dragged from his bed and thrown hard to the floor, his breath whooshing from his chest in the process.

"S…stop!" he struggled to catch his breath as whoever was in the room straddled him, their heavy weight over his hips. When a large hand grabbed him around the neck, he just knew...

"Father?" he croaked, pulling at the hand to keep from being strangled to death.

"Disgrace." hissed Lucius as he leaned forward applying more weight against John's neck.

John slowly shook his head, he was starting to pass out. The last thing he heard before the darkness enveloped him was…

"One more try."

* * *

He awoke on the ground, in the dark…and knew right away that he wasn't in his bedroom; the chill in the air and echo of emptiness in the room were evident.

John coughed, rubbing his throat and pulled himself into a sitting position. A clicking sound somewhere in the room froze him in place; a sudden remembrance of dread stealing over his heart, and he wondered at the fear that clutched at him because of the sound.

_Had he heard it somewhere before?_

A sudden scurrying and a heavy weight knocked him onto his back, his head smacking against the ground.

And he knew then, the terror that blossomed in him was one that he _had_ experienced before.

"FATHER!" he shouted.

And as his mind exploded in the darkness, John screamed.

* * *

Outside the door, Lucius' face held no emotion except for his eyes which stormed in pleasure and the hint of a newer feeling; sadness over hearing his son scream.

No one had ever been in the room twice, but he would not have a coward for a son. When his pet was done, he would find either a loyal son or a dead one.

**TBC**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if John is coming off as OOC, but he's not quite the John he was before Lucius got his hands on him.   
> I won't leave him or Carson in Lucius' clutches forever, Atlantis hasn't forgotten their friends.


	17. Chapter 17

Jennifer stood in the doorway of Woolsey's office.

"Excuse me, sir?"

Woolsey looked up from his paperwork. "Come in doctor." He motioned to a chair. "What can I do for you?"

She sat with a sigh, looking down at her lap for a moment then straight at Woolsey.

"I'm worried, sir."

"About?" he leaned back in his chair.

"Colonel Sheppard's team. No one has heard from Ronon in weeks and Teyla has been practicing with her Bantos rods to the point of obsession. So far, she's put five marines in the infirmary and she doesn't show any signs of stopping.

As for Rodney, he barely speaks to anyone anymore besides Teyla and Dr. Zelenka; who has told me that Rodney is barely sleeping and hasn't yelled at him or anyone in a very long time."

Woolsey raised his eyebrows. "Hmm…McKay not yelling…"

"Exactly."

"I'll speak with them; and I'll have Major Lorne's team see if they can track down Ronon."

"Thank you."

Jennifer stood to leave. "How are you doing, sir?" she asked, noticing the dark circles under Woolsey's eyes.

He sighed, taking off his glasses and squeezed the bridge of his nose.

"I'm as fine as we all are, which isn't saying much. We have search teams waiting for any new intel on Sheppard and Beckett's whereabouts…but….the trail has gone cold. I don't want to call off the search completely, but we're going to need a miracle if we're going to find them."

Jennifer nodded. "I should get back to work."

She stopped at the door and turned her head slightly. "I'm not much on praying, sir; but I'll pray for that miracle." she said softly then turned and left the room.

"So will I doctor, so will I…" Woolsey replied.

* * *

Lucius stood in a corner of his son's room watching the healer take care of Nahkhan.

" _Arex, can he be fixed?"_

_Carson had hesitated, his mouth open. With a glare from Lucius he blinked, slowly nodding his head. "With time….an' rest." he whispered, the words struggling past his lips._

Lucius nodded, anger and frustration warring within him. After a session in the room with his pet, the subject's mind would be torn wide, a sponge, ready and open to Lucius' coercive words of _encouragement,_ of _persuasion;_ a method he had used on many of the manor's servants _,_ but this time, he had no time to _encourage_ his son. John had been removed from the dark room, body limp, eyes glazed and fixed on nothing.

* * *

Four days had passed and the foreign healer had barely moved from Nahkhan's side.

Lucius had frowned at the look on the man's face every day when he would come to check on his son; it was a look of abject longing that was annoying and not appropriate.

He wanted to smack the look of misery off the healer's face, to send him away from his son and have Odalia take his place; but he was the healer and his son had yet to awaken, so he allowed the vexing vigil and kept quiet. He would soon find a way to fix this undesirable "friendship" his son and the healer seemed to have.

* * *

_John stood in the middle of a forest, the sun low in the sky, a cool breeze wafting through the air._

_"John?_

… _John?"_

_He turned around; a woman stood with her back to him, her voice sad as she called out. He reached out to touch her shoulder, his heart aching in sympathy over the sound of loss in her voice; he wanted to ease her pain. When his hand connected, she slowly started to turn and he caught a glimpse of smooth bronze skin and her name suddenly came to him..._

_"Tey…"_

"Son, open your eyes."

John inhaled, his eyes opening on their own accord.

It was the evening of the fifth day when Lucius noticed his son was starting to wake up, so he finally sent Arex away and had sat by the bed to wait.

John blinked then frowned; an image in his mind seeping away before he could grab hold of it. Had he been dreaming? He blinked again trying to focus, but the image was gone and with it came a sense of frustration and a hint of sadness.

"Nahkhan."

John exhaled, noticing for the first time that he wasn't alone; he sat up, his eyes moving to find Lucius sitting by his bed.

Lucius didn't like the look on his son's face.

He gripped John's wrist. "What is it, son?"

At Lucius' touch, John's heart clenched and he gasped, pulling away as a thunderous fear enveloped him clouding his mind.

The feeling of Lucius' hand on his skin drew him back to a dark invading pain, a heaviness on his chest he couldn't comprehend.

"Don't…d-don't …." John muttered, getting to his knees and slowly shuffling away from him.

"Nahkhan?" Lucius had leaned over the bed and grabbed John's shoulder as he saw his son, eyes wide and unseeing, was seconds from falling off the other side of the bed.

"Son!" he shouted, shaking him.

John's eyes flitted back and forth, lost to the darkness of the room that he had no memory of and _every_ memory of.

"No…no, don't touch me…don't touch…don't…don't..!"

His increasingly panicked petitions fell on deaf ears as Lucius climbed on the bed, tightening his hold, then with one his other hand he slapped John hard across the face.

"Stop it!" the older man ordered, and John froze, as if a switch had turned off in his brain; his eyes lasered in on Lucius whose glare slowly turned into a smile at the look on his son's face. When John's eyes darkened, Lucius' smile widened, he knew what was about to happen.

With a growl, John knocked Lucius' hands away and launched himself at the older man who grabbed him as they both tumbled off the bed, John landing on top of him, his fists clenched in Lucius' shirt.

They glared at each other for a moment, then Lucius closed his eyes, took a deep breath and then opened his eyes that were now brewing with an amusement simmering just below the grey.

"Who are you?" he quietly asked a trembling John whose rage radiated off him in waves.

John blinked, "What?" he asked; the surge of emotions flying from him in an instant.

Lucius slowly bought his hand up and clasped John by the nape of his neck.

"Who. Are. You?" His words stabbed the air causing John to flinch.

"I'm…" he hesitated for a moment his mind trying to click back into place.

Lucius moved his other hand to rest against John's cheek.

"Tell me." his voice cutting through John's confusion.

"I'm...Nahkhan Daravilus…" John frowned. "I'm…your son."

Lucius smirked, then slowly sat up easily pushing John off of him and to the side of the bed moving to sit next to him.

"Yes, you are."

John pressed his palms against his eyes and shuddered, then lowered his hands.

"What…what happened?" he asked, a heavy tiredness settling over him.

Lucius stared at him. "You had a set-back. Arex should have caught it before it got this bad."

"Arex?" John was incredulous. "But...he gave me a clean bill of health!"

"Well you've been out of it for days, and Arex hasn't done much to heal you; only time has done that."

John frowned, trying to remember what had happened. "But…I was okay."

Lucius shrugged and got to his feet, "And maybe Arex wasn't okay with that."

He extended a hand pulling John up. "Come, let's get you cleaned up."

**TBC**


	18. Chapter 18

Ronon muttered softly in his sleep, on the too small cot in the back room the tavern owner had generously offered him, after seeing the look in his eyes. He'd tell the local patrons later, that it was the look of a man angry enough to punch through mountains, and that he had no choice but to give him a place to rest for the evening.

_He was looking for his lost friends…_

_I don’t know where he was from, I don’t bother to ask!_

_It was none of my business, you would have done the same! You didn't see how big he was…or how drunk!_

Another fruitless search, another hundred heads all shaking no to Sheppard and Beckett's whereabouts; but _someone_ had to know. The weeks had turned into months, anger and frustration clashing in Ronon. He had promised himself he would not return without his friends…and he would keep that promise, but it was starting to take its toll…

* * *

"Dr. McKay?"

Woolsey entered the lab looking around for Rodney. Zelenka, working at a nearby computer pointed to a pair of legs sticking out from under a table in the corner of the room.

"He's been under there "fixing" that instrument for most of the day, now." he whispered to Woolsey. Woolsey nodded moving forward, stopping when the Czech scientist touched his arm.

"He's not okay." said Radek, and Woolsey heard the concern in his voice.

"I know." he replied.

The Atlantis leader made his way over to the table and cleared his throat.

"Dr. McKay?" He heard muttering coming from under the table and the clinking of metal against metal.

"Rodney, a moment?"

With an exasperated sigh, Rodney appeared from under the table giving Woolsey an annoyed side glance, then sat down at a nearby computer and started typing.

"I thought I would come by to check on you, to see how you were doing."

The typing continued.

"So…?" urged Woolsey.

Rodney stopped typing and turned to him, his voice cold. "Don't you think I would have come to you if I had found them?"

Woolsey frowned. "I…no, that's not why I'm here."

Rodney turned back to his computer.

The older man sighed, _Zelenka was right._

"I'll leave you to your work then, I'm going to see how Teyla's doing; I'm concerned about you both."

Rodney snorted softly, but as Woolsey turned to go he murmured, "She's not in her quarters, check the infirmary."

* * *

"How long has she been here?"

"Most of the day." sighed Jennifer to Woolsey, as they both watched Teyla who was sound asleep in a chair next to the bed where an unconscious lieutenant lay.

"She caused it?" he asked, pointing to the lieutenant.

Jennifer shrugged. "I heard he made the mistake of voicing his opinion about the Colonel and Dr. Beckett. An opinion only he seemed to share mind you, in front of some others but in earshot of Teyla.

Woolsey looked curiously at Jennifer.

"That after this long, they were probably dead."

He hissed, shaking his head.

"The others he spoke to didn't agree of course, and one of them told the lieutenant here to keep his mouth shut. As they moved off they saw Teyla lingering nearby, then later he was found at the bottom of a stairwell, unconscious. I…I don't know if she hurt him, but he'll be fine."

Woolsey nodded than walked over to the sleeping Athosian.

"Teyla?"

Teyla opened her eyes right away, and Woolsey saw a weariness in them that broke his heart. She stared at him, then glanced over at the man on the bed.

"I did not hurt him, I found him like this and called for help."

"I believe you." said Woolsey.

Teyla's eyes flicked back to his. "After all the other men I have put here, I would think you would not."

Woolsey came to a decision at that moment. This was not the Teyla he knew… and Dr. McKay…they both were suffering and there was only one thing he could think of that would help.

"Teyla, do you know where Ronon is?"

* * *

"It's late...what are you doing up?"

Carson looked up to find John in the doorway to the kitchen.

The quiet man quickly hid the apple he was about to eat behind his back, and lowered his eyes.

John sighed, "You can speak to me, Arex; you know I won't judge you."

"M-M'lord, I..."

"It's okay, you can eat the fruit."

John shuffled over to the table and sat down heavily, tiredly rubbing his face with his hand.

"Why are you up, Arex?"

Carson slowly put the apple on the table and hesitantly sat next to John.

"Bad dream…" he whispered.

John looked at him. "Tell me."

Carson's eyes flicked around the room, then back to John.

"I think…I dreamt of …A-Atlantis..."

John face darkened. "Stop."

"But I…y-you were there and…"

John slammed his fist on the table.

"We knew each other from before...but come on, _Atlantis?_ You had a nightmare, that's all, the delusions from our injuries coming back to mess with you!"

"No…" Carson's eyes were wide, "I...I remember a name…T-Teyla!"

John flinched...an image of a woman flashing through his mind.

"A-and...there were shining towers, m'lord..." rushed Carson, finding his voice and wanting to get it all out.

"A man with ...I canna remember his..."

John stood up quickly, knocking over his chair.

"Stop it!" he hissed. "You don't want me to get better! I'm home…my father has accepted me back! I can't mess up again with that crap…so, cut it out!"

Carson lowered his eyes to the ground, frightened by John's outburst.

"I-I'm sorry…y-you're right! Th-they were just dreams…"

John glared at him for a moment, then exhaled heavily and nodded, his anger slowly waning. He stepped forward and forced a smile, resting his hand on Carson's shoulder.

"I just want what's right for both of us, Arex. I hope you want the same."

Carson quickly nodded. "I-I do m'lord….I'm sorry…G-goodnight."

"Night."

John turned and watched as Carson limped from the room; he sighed grabbing the apple Carson left on the table and took a bite, moments later throwing the apple aside it leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

The shining towers…

_He had had those dreams too…_

John leaned against the table placing his face in his hands; an uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty slipping over him.

* * *

Teyla and Rodney sat across from Woolsey in his office quietly staring at him. Uncomfortable, Woolsey adjusted his glasses; a quiet Teyla he almost understood, but a silent McKay was just…off.

"With our enemies quiet, I should have allowed this sooner, but with no leads and the trail gone cold…" he squirmed under Rodney's icy stare. “Which…was no one's fault in the least..." He looked over at Teyla who stared back at him flatly.

"I know Ronon wanted to be on his own to find Sheppard and Beckett, but it's been months with no word from him…and both of you don't seem to be fairing…"

"Will you let us go and search for Ronon?" asked Teyla, a spark lighting her eyes.

Woolsey sighed and nodded. "You're a team and you need each other."

"Oh, so that just dawned on you now?" Rodney asked snidely as he stood and stomped from the room.

Teyla and Woolsey watched him go then she stood turning to the older man.

"When can we leave?"

"As soon as Major Lorne and his…"

"Mr. Woolsey." Teyla's voice was smooth, low.

"Let Rodney and I go on our own…for now. I can find Ronon, but if he is close to an answer and armed men show up with us…"

"They can protect you."

Teyla smiled. "Please. Give us this chance, if there are any problems we will contact Atlantis right away."

He considered her request then nodded and Teyla turned to leave.

"Teyla...Dr. McKay, he isn't much for nature…or people." Woolsey stated.

Teyla nodded. "I agree, but Col Sheppard and Dr. Beckett are his…well, Rodney needs them, he cannot stay behind again. We both cannot…let us go. I will watch after him."

Woolsey understood. "Go, but check in every twelve hours. Find Ronon, then find Sheppard and Beckett."

**TBC**


	19. Chapter 19

Lucius sat quietly in the dark of the healer's quarters listening to him sleep.

The healer had been having nightmares, late night groans and shouts heard by some passing guards.

* * *

" _Maybe he has someone in there with him." Winked a guard on the second night they heard the sounds. The older guard with him smacked him across the head._

" _The crippled speech mauled foreigner has a woman in there." he said incredulously pointing at the closed door. "Is that what you're saying?"_

" _Who knows?" smiled the younger man, only to be smacked again by his elder._

" _Come, we must tell the Sovereign." He ordered, leading the younger man away._

" _Have you even heard him speak? Cause I never have…I wonder what he..."_

" _Come!" ordered the grizzled guard. "You speak too much, be wary of what that can bring in this place."_

_Lucius' methods were well known throughout the manor. The younger man gulped, bit his lip and followed quickly behind the departing guard._

* * *

"N-no…'Lizbeth!

….Colonel…I…

...I'm here…I'm….nononono…"

Lucius' eyes narrowed in the darkened room of the healer. He had heard Nahkhan shout out in his sleep on several occasions like this. He had stood in the corner of his son's room hearing him murmur, _Atlantis_ …and other names that had also come out of the healer's mouth.

Anger raged in the tall man.

The healer was causing this, staining his son with his returning delusions. He stood and moved over to the bed, the moonlight from a nearby window guiding his path.

_I could just kill him._ He thought as he looked down at the sleeping man.

Nahkhan would not be the wiser…

But…

He didn't want his son pining over a lost friend.

Lucius smiled, a plan forming in his mind.

* * *

Several nights later, Carson was stoking the fire in his room's fireplace as he prepared for bed when there was a knock on his door. He glanced over in time to see a folded piece of paper slip from under the door into his room.

Curious, he picked it up and opened the door; there was no one in the hallway. Shrugging, he closed the door and unfolded the paper, his eyes widening, mouth going dry.

_Carson,_

_Your friends from Atlantis are looking for you, they haven't given up the search._

_Destroy this note, then come to the large hill tonight for more details._

_A friend._

Carson inhaled sharply, his heart thudding in his chest as he re-read the note in his hands.

_Carson._

He remembered when he thought that was his name; when he thought he was a healer from Atlantis. He shook his head.

_This couldn't be right!_

Nahkhan was right, they had been hurt, the delusions part of their injuries.

_What was this?_

He thought of the dreams he had been having then looked down at the crumpled note in his hand.

_Atlantis._

Carson looked around his room, his brow furrowing, his heart pulling in two directions.

_Go._

_No._

_Go!_

Images flashed through him. Pictures he'd been trying to force behind the wall of sanity in his mind ( _it was insane, wasn't it? Atlantis?_ ), but had seeped their way through.

_What if the note was true?_

_What if I don't go and it's all been true?_

Carson exhaled slowly nodding to himself, then threw the note in the crackling fire and watched as it curled and burned away.

_He would go._

The wary healer, grabbed his coat and slowly opened the door. The hallway was empty as he slipped out, closing the door behind him.

John had decided to visit the healer, hoping he hadn't already turned in for the night and was just turning the corner to his room when he saw the man shuffle away in the opposite direction.

He was about to call out to him, but stopped himself at the furtive way the healer was moving.

_Where are you going, Arex?_ John frowned and silently followed behind his friend.

* * *

A half hour later, John stood behind a tree watching Carson in the near distance at the base of the village's largest hill. The moon was high in the sky, its crisp light pushing some of the night's darkness away. The healer was slowly pacing, his eyes glancing every which way like a man nervous of his surroundings.

John frowned.

_Who are you waiting for?_ He thought. Arex didn't have many or if he was being honest, _any_ friends that he knew of in the manor besides himself.

_Maybe someone from the village? But why? And…who?_

He was torn, wanting to go to his friend and wanting to stay behind the tree to find out the reason for his secrecy.

"You saw him too." came a deep voice from behind him.

John gasped and spun around to the face of his father who was standing close behind him.

"I didn't hear you there." John said with a frown.

Lucius cocked an eyebrow at him then turned and nodded towards Carson.

"I wonder why the healer would be out at this late hour?" he asked.

John turned back to his friend. "Maybe he's been summoned to heal someone?"

"Empty handed?" muttered Lucius.

John twitched, but he gave no reply.

"He's up to no good." pushed Lucius.

John glanced back. "We don't know that." he replied softly.

Lucius touched John's shoulder then pointed towards the hill.

* * *

Carson was near panicking. He shouldn't have come, this was a mistake. He turned to leave when a hooded figure stepped out from some nearby trees and slowly made its way towards him.

Heart in throat, he froze. As the figure neared he saw it was a young woman, her long blonde hair slipping out from the sides of the hood.

_Who are ya an' what do ya want with me?!_

His mind shouted out. But in reality all he could do was stare; his mouth slightly open, breath coming in spurts and stutters.

"Carson?" whispered the woman. "You don't know me, but your friends on Atlantis have been looking for you and Colonel Sheppard. They haven't given up the search and will be happy to know you have been found!"

Carson could only stare, unable to speak at this news.

The woman continued, glancing around as she pulled a folded note from within her cloak.

"I am to give you this note and tell you to hold on, that you and the Colonel will soon be rescued!"

The woman pressed the note into Carson's hand then smiled tightly, turned and made her way back from whence she came disappearing quickly among the trees.

Carson blinked slowly, looking at the disappearing woman then down at the note in his hand; a sudden rustling making his head shoot up, his teeth clicking together in fear.

* * *

"Healer!" Lucius voice was sharp and full of anger.

Carson's eyes widened, his hand clenching around the note as he watched the Sovereign and Nahkhan making their way towards him.

The Sovereign's eyes were dark, accusing; Nahkhan's eyes, tight in confusion and something else he couldn't place.

They stopped a few feet from him.

"Arex, what are you doing here?" John asked, glancing at the note then back at his friend.

Carson blinked, his mouth opening, "I…" was all he could voice.

Lucius stepped closer, like an ominous shadow.

He stared hard at the smaller man as he plucked the note from his hand and handed it to John.

"What does it say, son?"

John slowly took the note as he stared at Carson, then looked up at the moon and held the note up to catch some of its light.

He read aloud:

"Carson,

_You're doing well, keep up the good work. Soon you will have Daravilus' son where we want him; so draped in his delusions of Atlantis that he will be of no use to his father when we invade. Keep up the good work, we are counting on you!"_

As John finished reading, only the quick panting of Carson's breath could be heard against the soft rustling of the nearby trees; the cool night air carving through them.

Carson, mouth agape took a step back, lowering his eyes.

Lucius watched as his son took a deep breath, slowly crumpling the note in his hand and then turned a hardened gaze to the cowering healer.

"Is this true?" John held the note out to Carson.

Carson's head shot up and he shook it wildly in denial.

"I'm gonna need to hear you say it, Arex." John's voice was like granite.

"M…m'lord." Carson swallowed, his eyes flicking back and forth from John to Lucius. He shook his head, his voice clawing from his lips. "It's nah true. I…I was told ta come here!"

"Told?" sneered Lucius.

Carson's head bobbed. "A note, under ma door."

"A note from who?" asked John.

"I-I don't know…" Despair filled him as he watched the two men give each other a look.

John took a step towards him. "Where's the note now?"

Carson's heart dropped. "In…in the...I burned it. It said in the note to destroy it, once read."

Lucius stormed towards Carson at those words.

"Father..." started John, aware of what was about to happen.

The older man grabbed the healer by the back of the neck pushing him forward.

"Wait!" John exclaimed as he watched Lucius push Carson down the path back towards the manor.

"His punishment will not be by my hand, son." Lucius called out without turning around. "You will not escape the responsibilities of your position this time, Nahkhan."

He turned slightly and gave John a pointed look before continuing down the path; a stumbling Carson next to him and a concerned John behind.

**TBC**


	20. Chapter 20

They had found Ronon pretty quickly. Stories of a wild man looking for his friends was heard by an Athosian, and the trail now hot found Teyla and Rodney coming upon Ronon in the back of pub in a small town. His surprise to see them was mingled with gratitude and guilt that he had no news about their friends.

Sitting down at his table, they were bothered by the fatigue and despair etched on his face.

"I couldn't find them." He murmured, swallowing the last of his ale.

Teyla nodded, "Then we will find them together." she stated, Rodney nodding in agreement.

Ronon stared at his teammates and friends for a moment then nodded gruffly in return. Their companionship and help would be welcome, he couldn't do this alone any longer.

So after an evening of charting out the planets Ronon already visited and ones yet searched, they began to plot their course; each of them hoping that the search would not end up being a recovery mission.

* * *

…

_Carson?_

Carson groaned and rolled over.

" _Yes?"_

_Silence. He opened his eyes to find he was alone._

_Turning, he looked out of a window in a room that wasn't his room at the setting sun as it gleamed against the city, against his home._

_Images rushed through his head making him dizzy; a hand grasping his shoulder spinning him around._

_The Sovereign's son stood there in uniform, an emblem reading "Atlantis", on its side._

_He opened his mouth to say "M'lord" but instead gasped out –_

"Colonel!" Carson sat up with a start, his heart racing, his eyes flicking around his room of the past few days. There were no stores of herbs or a sitting area in this room, no small bed that though not always comfortable, he had been happy to call his own.

An over-head light and a thin mattress laid out on a low stone platform against the wall were his only reprieve from having to sleep in the dark on the cold damp ground.

He closed his eyes taking a deep breath, then re-opened them and slowly pulled himself into a sitting position then he stood and began to pace; his limp becoming more pronounced as the days went by. He touched his forehead against one of the cool walls to ease the pounding in his head.

_He was in trouble_.

They had not come for him yet, but he was definitely in trouble.

Carson sighed, turning and sliding down to the ground, his back against the wall, his legs stretched out in front of him.

Uncertainty bombarded him. He didn't know who wrote him the note that beckoned him to the hill that night, but the days alone left him with more and more flashes of unknown familiar faces and the shining city. He couldn't have imagined the immensity of a city he supposedly had never seen; a regal crystal sitting atop a mighty ocean. His mind could _never_ have made up that image.

So, it was real, he didn't know how…but it _had_ to be...

And in that confusing truth came the understanding that if he wasn't who he thought he was, then there was a chance neither was Nahkhan.

Carson slowly shook his head.

He was in trouble…and if his maddening thoughts were true…

So was his only friend.

* * *

"Odalia, say what's on your mind."

Odalia sat across from Lucius in his sitting room watching as he poured himself another drink then leaned against the wall sipping it slowly.

"The healer," she started. She had heard the healer had done something horrible, but didn't know the details.

"Still in the cells, but he's been fed. We don't starve our criminals, old woman."

"And Nahkhan?" she hadn't seen him since the night the healer had been locked up.

"Taking time to meditate on this recent betrayal."

"Betrayal?"

Odalia had noticed Nahkhan's room was once again guarded, but was it by his choice or his father's?

Lucius' mind wandered to his son and their conversation they had several days before.

" _Talk to me, Nahkhan." he had shut the door sequestering them in his son's room._

_John sat on the edge of his bed leaning forward deep in thought, his chin resting on closed hands._

" _Nahkhan."_

_John sighed and sat up staring at Lucius._

_The past few nights had him bothered by nightmarish images of Arex shooting his father, while he stood next to the healer cheering him on. Or of his father dying by his own hand as the manor was invaded, the healer leading the charge laughing as they slaughtered everyone._

_John stared at his hands, the image of them stained in his father's blood causing him to shiver._

_He could never hurt his father. But, how could Arex want to? His friend seemed so loyal, why would he do that to him?_

" _You're still thinking about him as a friend, aren't you?" Lucius sighed, leaning against the door, arms crossed._

_John stood and scowled at him._

" _No."_

_The word came easy startling him for a moment, but his mind eased behind it and the thought that he should have chosen Sarek followed suit._

_Sarek was an idiot, but John wondered if he would be feeling this betrayal if Arex had been the one to die; if he hadn't been successful in pushing his false friendship to further his cause to try and end the Daravilus line._

_Lucius moved away from the door and stood in front of John_

_"I spoke with him." said Lucius. “He hemmed and hawed then finally chose to remove his mask and he laughed about it all. He laughed about you, son. How he used his herbs to drug you, to manipulate you into thinking you were someone from the city of the Ancestors."_

_John frowned, anger and confusion pulling at him._

" _You said you found us together, on that planet."_

" _A happy circumstance on his part; falling down hurt next to a Daravilus. He and his friends must have been overjoyed at that luck."_

_John slowly exhaled, his mind a jumble of mixed emotions._

_Lucius smiled putting his hands on John shoulders._

" _Son. I wouldn't lie to you. I love you. But enough is enough. You need to take care of this; show him and his friends what we're made of."_

_Lucius shook him gently._

" _Make me proud, son." he whispered._

* * *

Odalia sighed at Lucius' silent reverie.

"Can I at least see, Nahkhan?" she asked.

He stared at her.

"No, you cannot. Didn't you say recently that you wanted to go off-world to visit some friends?"

Odalia frowned, "No, I did not."

Lucius' eyes narrowed, then he smiled. "I grant you leave Odalia. Go visit some relatives, friends, strangers…I don't care. I just don't want you here right now. Go through the Ancestral ring and don't come back until you hear from me. Nahkhan had a mother once, he doesn't need another one anymore…he has me."

Odalia's mouth dropped open.

A forced smile making its way to her face as she stood.

"I will prepare my things."

Two guards appeared by the open doorway.

"They will accompany you, to the ring to keep you safe. Who knows if any of the healer's people are already in the city? I wouldn't want you to get hurt."

Odalia glanced back at Lucius, her heart sinking at the smirk on his face.

_Oh Nahkhan…or whoever you are…_

… _Be safe._

Odalia nodded and slowly made her way to pack.

* * *

A half hour later as Lucius stood on his balcony sipping a drink, there was a knock at the sitting room door.

"Come." he bellowed and turned to walk back into the room. A young woman came in closing the door quietly behind her.

She stood wringing her hands in front of him, her eyes to the ground.

"Sovereign, you called for me?"

Lucius smiled. "Yara, thank you for coming, would you like to sit?"

The woman shook her head. "No thank you…my…my brother...I did as you said."

He moved to her, towering over her petite frame. He rubbed the back of his hand across her cheek, then reached forward, pulling the pin from her upturned hair. Long blonde tresses cascaded down her back and around her neck.

"Indeed you did. The note under his door, the secret meeting by the hill. You were like a thief in the night, I should have you come and work for me."

The woman’s eyes shot upwards. "Sovereign, my family and I just sell trinkets in the square. I only did as you asked, because of my brother." Her eyes were round and shiny with tears. "You said you would let him go."

Lucius smiled, "I am a man of my word. Tell your parents that their son will be returned to them and that their daughter served the Sovereign well."

"Thank you…thank you, Sovereign." Yara turned to leave but stopped, her curiosity getting the better of her.

"If I may…what was in the note I gave the healer, up by the hill?" she asked, facing the door, afraid to turn back around.

She felt Lucius' hand softly rest on her shoulder, his voice soft behind her dripping with pride.

"Something I came up with, your Sovereign can be _very_ creative when he puts his mind to it."

When he caressed her shoulder, Yara yelped, opened the door a crack and squeezing through, she ran down the hallway tears streaming down her face, the echo of Lucius' laughter in her wake.

* * *

Carson had thought that it would have been Lucius who would have tormented him. He hadn't considered that there was a worse kind of torment.

The Sovereign's son stood outside his cell staring at him through the window in the door. The first two days he did this, the silence was painful, almost unbearable. The look of betrayal on his friend's face like a knife to his heart, making him turn away after a while.

_I was tricked!_

_I would never betray you!_

_What if we aren't who we think we are?_

Too many emotions clawed at him, locking him down into his silence once more. And at the sound of the window closing, he would curl up on his bed, face the wall and yank at his hair; tears forming at his eyes as he prayed to wake up from the nightmare he had found himself in.

* * *

A few days had passed and John's team was sitting at a table in the corner of a busy pub.

"I'm not giving up." stated Rodney annoyed at the silence of the other team members.

"Who said anything about giving up?" Ronon gruffly replied.

"Why are we sitting here, then?" argued Rodney, his voice rising as he got to his feet." When our friends are out there waiting for us to save them!"

People at some of the other tables bristled at the loud foreigner, but a look from the larger man of the group had them quickly minding their own business.

"Rodney, sit down." ordered Teyla.

Rodney inhaled ready to continue his rant, but the look Teyla and Ronon gave him took the air out of it and he sat back down crossing his arms, frustration etched on his face.

_He was smarter than this, he should have found his friends months ago!_

Teyla sighed. The planet they were on was near the bottom of their list…they were running out of places to look.

"I'll never stop searching." Ronon growled softly as he stared into his untouched stein of ale.

Teyla nodded, looking at her two teammates.

"Tomorrow, we will move onto the next planet on our list." she said. "Our friends are counting on us."

* * *

It was the following afternoon on the planet Ezara and Odalia was slowly sipping her tea in the open-air meal establishment. She closed her eyes and lifted her face, the warmth of the tea and the afternoon sun calming her spirit.

The town she was in was known for their hospitality and teas, that is why she chose to go there. She had no family and anyone she considered a friend was on the planet she was forced to leave.

Opening her eyes, she sighed and looked down at her half empty cup. She felt guilty leaving Nahkhan behind; but wasn't sure how she felt about the healer. He had seemed like a nice man, but he must have done something bad for Lucius to jail him. She hoped he wouldn't kill him though; for the sake of Nahkhan.

Lucius could be a violent man, but she still loved him. He had been kind, keeping her on after his sons had grown way beyond the need of a wet nurse. But now…

"You're alone in the world, Odalia." she murmured to herself and took another sip of tea.

She glanced up as three people entered the room, one of them brushing past her table near the entrance. They looked like they were on a mission, especially the tallest of the three, a mountain of man. He almost reminded her of Lucius and she feared for those who got in that man's way.

She listened closely as they talked to the establishment's owner, then she heard them mention they were looking for two of their friends who had been missing for months and if they'd been seen here.

Her curiosity got the best of her and she slowly rose, shuffling past the group just as one of the men placed two pictures on the counter for the owner to see.

Odalia caught a glimpse as she passed, her heart beating in her frail frame as she headed for the exit.

It was just a glimpse, but they looked like…

_Could it have all been true?_

She had to say something, but if she interfered and Lucius found out, this time for sure he would drag her back to the manor and _throw_ her into the room, and Odalia didn't think her heart could take it.

But…she cared for Nahkhan, whether he was the real one or not…so she would help him, but she needed to be sure.

The woman and two men left a few minutes after her and she watched by a store front as they walked by her in frustration.

"We will continue to look." the woman said.

"I know," said the shorter of the men. "I know…we'll continue to look…but…we're running out of places!" His lips tightened and he lowered his head as they walked on.

Odalia followed closely behind them as fast as her old legs could carry her. A few moments later near the end of the road, she heard the tall man say,

"We got company." and the three stopped and turned to face her.

When they motioned to step toward her, she scurried behind a nearby building and poked her head out beckoning them away from prying eyes.

Moving to her, the woman in the group smiled gently.

"Hello, I am Teyla Emmagan and these are my companions. We are looking for our friends."

Rodney held out the pictures of John and Carson to her.

"Have you seen them?" the woman asked.

Odalia's eyes widened.

_It was them!_

_Nahkhan had been telling the truth!_

"You're from Atlantis." Odalia stated, in wonder.

"Have we met before?" asked Teyla surprised at the look of recognition on the older woman's face.

Odalia shook her head.

"No, but I believe I know where your friends are." she replied.

**TBC**


	21. Chapter 21

John stood in the hallway across from the healer's cell. He leaned against the wall, arms crossed, head down lost in thought.

_What kind of son was he?_

His father was right, this was his responsibility. The healer admitted his wrong doings, so there could be no more silence this time between them. Not anymore.

He had run from his father years ago, ruining their relationship, getting his brother killed. John squeezed his eyes tightly shut then opened them and glared at the door across from him.

_He pretended to be his friend!_

_And all the while he'd been using him…..drugging him!_

John growled softly and slammed his fist against the wall behind him.

Two guards standing by the door looked hesitantly his way.

"Leave." John ordered, still glaring at the door.

"M'lord?" one of them asked.

John turned his head to both guards, the look on his face making them swallow heavily.

"Now." his voice like steel.

The guards looked at each other for a moment and in quiet agreement turned to leave, one of them handing John the key to the cell as they departed.

Once the hallway was clear, John stepped forward, unlocked the door and stepped into the room.

* * *

Carson's mind was on fire.

Full of images of shadows torturing him, ripping his lips off; of crystal palaces being swallowed up by rough seas, of pale monsters with sharp teeth and hunger in their eyes.

He groaned clutching his head and pulling himself into an even tighter fetal position as the images continued. He and Nahkhan were flying through the stars, then running through flames; the blood of dead children raining down on them and it was all his fault…all his fault…

Maybe the Sovereign _was_ right…

A creaking sound swallowed up the images and Carson's eyes snapped open. They had stopped feeding him since the day before and his throat was dry, head cracking apart.

He slowly sat up, his body sore and looked towards the door. A tired look of surprise appeared on his face to see John standing inside the room, the closed door behind him.

"M...m'lord." he croaked out, struggling to a standing position. He could feel his mouth moving from a smile to a frown to a tight grin and back…not sure what he should be feeling.

John stared at the man in front of him.

"Why?" he asked, his mossy eyes dark and flat.

Carson's eyes widened, feeling his throat tighten up.

John waited, his face slowly morphing into anger as Carson's silence continued.

"All this time….all this time you lied to me." John's voice was gritty.

"I thought we were friends…but you used me to hurt my father. You manipulated me…" John took a step towards the healer. "Drugged me, to keep me in my delusions so while my father was taking care of his _crazy_ son…you and your people could take over everything he built!"

Carson started wringing his hands, has eyes never leaving John's.

"Nay, that's a lie! I would never do that to ya!" His voice was low, cracking and desperate.

"There's something wrong m'lord." Carson took a hesitant step toward John. "We don't…we don't belong … the crystal towers! I-I saw…I…Atlantis, it's..!"

He never had a chance to finish as John rushed forward and punched him hard across the face, knocking him to the ground.

The world whited out and sounds became muted, then a large weight landed on him and Carson became instantly alert. The Sovereign's son was straddled over him landing punch after punch across his face.

Words like a far off radio broadcast filtering in and out.

"Liar!"

"Traitor!"

"…trusted you!"

Carson tried to hold his hands up to protect his face, but Nahkhan’s legs trapped them against his body. He squirmed trying to get away, but the Sovereign's son was strong and his fists continued their onslaught.

"No n-no!" Carson pleaded, tears streamed down mixing with the blood on his face, one cheek already starting to swell.

Then suddenly through blurred vision, Nahkhan's figure morphed into something dark and monstrous. His fists turning into legs, so _many_ legs…and a feeling of horror slammed into Carson and he screamed…

"STOP TOUCHING ME!"

John gasped and froze, his fist in mid swing. He looked down at the healer beneath him then quickly scampered off, his back slamming up against the side of the small bed.

_That was the loudest he had ever heard Arex speak._

He looked down at his shaking hands that were covered in blood then at the writhing man next to him. The emotion in those three shouted words bringing John back to a nightmare of his own. He flinched as the healer dragged himself to the nearby wall and leaned against it breathing heavily and murmuring,

"No…no…"

John's eyes widened and he shook his head quickly, images flashing through his mind too fast to see.

"Get out." he whispered.

The healer only stared at him, his face bloodied and bruised.

"Wha?" the man croaked, the Sovereign's son was staring at him with a shell-shocked look on his face.

John stared at Carson, the images flying through his mind now tightening their hold on him causing him to cry out gripping his head in pain.

_He loved his father…_

_His father wanted to be proud of him…_

_But Arex was his friend!_

_A friend who betrayed and manipulated him…_

_The towers…_

_Teyla…_

_The clicking darkness….the clicking dark…_

"GET OUT!" John shouted.

Carson flinched and with the help of the wall, he struggled, pulling himself to his feet.

"C-come….w'me." Carson's voice faltered, more tears slipping down his distraught face.

John could only stare up at his ex-friend, a feeling of despair overtaking him.

"You…you ruined everything." John muttered. _“Everything!"_

A tear dropped from his eye and he turned away as the door to the cell swung open; one of the guards who hadn't gone too far was standing there.

John looked at the guard and said, "Get him out of here." His voice, an order.

His glare returned to Carson and he continued.

"The crippled healer with the speech impediment is no longer welcomed in the manor. Do not let him gather his belongings, he’s to leave this house exactly how he is… Unwanted and alone."

The abundance of emotions that flashed between the two men confused the guard for a moment, leaving him frozen in place.

So strong the emotions the guard's mouth slipped open, a soft gasp leaving his lips.

"Guard!" John growled.

The man startled, then nodded and marched forward grabbing Carson by the arm, pulling him from the room; Carson mumbling sadly, "M'sorry m'lord...m'sorry." as they left.

The room was silent for a moment, then a soft cry came from John as he clasped his hands to the side of his head and slowly closed his eyes.

**TBC**


	22. Chapter 22

John's team contacted Atlantis after talking with Odalia, and within an hour Lorne and his team with a small contingent of marines had come through the Gate to meet them.

"Is she sure about this?" asked Lorne sternly, motioning to Odalia who sat against a nearby tree growing more and more nervous that maybe she had made a big mistake in alerting them. Lucius would never forgive her for this.

"She gave me the dialing address." said Rodney. "We should go, now!"

"Nahkhan, I mean...the man you are looking for should be in the manor above the village, you can't miss it.” sighed Odalia, suddenly feeling very old.

"What about our other friend?" asked Teyla, "Will he be there too?"

"Yes, he's in one of the cells in the lower part of the manor."

"Why is he in a cell?" growled Ronon, extremely annoyed that they hadn't already gone through the Gate.

Odalia flinched at the fierce man's voice, then shook her head.

"I've said enough and may have damned myself in the process doing so. I will say no more."

Everyone paused for a moment wondering what she meant by that, then Lorne's voice broke the silence.

"Okay, let's go!" He ordered the group, and Rodney began dialing the Gate.

_This was it…they were going to get them back._

* * *

Lucius made his way to the healer's cell, a smile on his face. He had finally gotten through to his son and came to see the result of their conversation. Hopefully, it would be the healer lying dead at his son's feet.

As he entered the cell, his smile dropped from his face at seeing his son covered in blood sitting on the ground, almost cowering against the bed…and no healer in sight.

"Where. Is. He?" Darkness dripped from Lucius' voice.

John pulled himself up and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I let him go." he murmured, his eyes focused on Lucius' feet.

"You, what?"

When John saw the feet move closer he tensed and looked up at Lucius with flat eyes.

"I…I let him go." he repeated a little louder, his voice faltering at the look in the older man's eyes.

"You let him go?"

John sighed and closed his eyes as Lucius rushed at him. The first punch felt like a truck had hit him, and he slammed against the nearby wall landing in a heap on the ground.

"You let the traitor go?"

Lucius' thunderous voice echoed in his ear as he was picked up by the shoulders and slammed against the wall once more, his head smacking back on it hard.

He could only heard snippets of Lucius' angry words as the attack continued; the rest were carried on a crashing tidal wave of pain…

" _You're weak!"_

" _Gullible!"_

"… _.a disgrace!"_

Then with another punch to the head, John let the darkness take him.

* * *

The humidity in the air was felt by the group as they made their way through the Gate; it was a warm day on the planet.

Lorne ordered two of his men to guard the Gate as the rest of them made their way through a set of trees. Eventually coming to an opening where they could see a village down below to the left, with a path busy with people coming and going. A large home stood higher up on the right.

The teams slowly headed for the manor staying close to the tree line hoping to quietly slip in, find their friends and slip out. The old woman had told them there were guards in the manor, so they would have to be careful but ready to attack if need be to get their people back.

Ronon suddenly slowed to a stop staring towards the manor.

"Ronon?" Teyla whispered, looking to see what he was staring at.

The Satedan had watched as a man stumbled from the far side of the manor, landing on his knees; then slowly swayed as he stood up, looked around, then turned and headed down the path towards the village.

"It's Beckett." he stated.

"Where?" shouted Rodney, moving forward to see; but all he could see were some villagers moving up and down the path near the manor.

"Show us...quickly!" said Teyla.

Ronon threw a glance at Lorne than at the manor.

"Go!" ordered Lorne, "We've got this!"

With a grunt, Ronon headed off, Teyla and Rodney not far behind as Lorne's team and the marines continued forward.

* * *

John came to lying on his back on the ground, his whole body throbbing in agony.

Groaning, his eyes fluttered open to the blurred image of an angry Lucius pacing beside him.

John shuddered, sadness enveloping him.

_He would deserve whatever he got._

_He betrayed his father._

When another groan escaped his lips, Lucius stopped pacing and looked down at him.

"You _betrayed_ me!"

His words like knives carved through John, echoing his very thoughts.

He could only nod, his eyes glazed with tears and pain.

Lucius stared at him for a moment, then leaned forward and pulled him up to his feet, pushing a swaying John towards a metal door a few feet away.

When John saw him press something on a nearby panel and the door swished open to darkness, his mind stuttered to a halt, something primal taking over.

_He'd been here before…_

"No!" he shouted, pushing away from Lucius and turning to run, his heart stampeding in his chest.

Lucius grabbed him by the hair, pulling him back.

"Yes!" growled Lucius holding onto him as he struggled, throwing punches at the larger man, none of them really connecting. Annoyed, Lucius threw John hard, face first against a nearby wall, then down to the ground stunning him. He grabbed him by the legs and started dragging John into the room, when he heard voices coming towards them.

Two guards came rushing down the hallway.

"Sovereign, the manor is under attack!"

"What!" Lucius exclaimed.

"They said they're from Atlantis and that they want their friends back."

The guards stared at John who lay barely moving, then back to Lucius.

"What are you staring at, you fools? Defend the manor…go!"

The guards nodded quickly then turned and ran back to the fighting.

* * *

_So much for slipping in and out._

Thought Lorne as he stood behind a pillar, waiting for return fire. They didn't want to kill anyone, as this was a rescue mission; but they were prepared to go to the full extent to get their friends back.

The volley of weapon fire continued as Lorne witnessed two guards coming out of a recessed door in the wall across the room they were in.

_I_ _wonder_ ….he thought, then motioned to one of his men. Seconds later the two guards were down and Lorne and his man were racing across the room towards the door the guards had come through, with some of his men covering them as they ran.

* * *

Lucius' face was etched in anger, the sounds of weapon fire now making its way through the halls, the invaders were close. He looked down at his son, then back at the darkened room where his hungry pet lay waiting. Bending, he grabbed John's legs and continued pulling him into the room when voices that were too close by made him stop.

"…two life signs…Colonel Sheppard, are you down here?"

Scowling, Lucius dropped John's legs and grabbed for the weapon at his hip. Then he paused and looked down at his son, then towards the nearing voices.

Cursing, he huffed then twisted a device on his wrist and bent grabbing John's ankle.

John stirred and started to turn on his side, letting out a soft groan, and as he slowly opened his eyes he heard someone shout out, "...ppard, can you…?" then the world slipped away.

**TBC**


	23. Chapter 23

"Maybe, it wasn't him.” Argued Rodney as they made their way down the path towards the village, trying to find Carson's face in the crowd.

"It _was_ him." Ronon grunted. "He looked hurt."

"Hurt? But if he was alone, he would have tried to contact us, it makes no…"

"There!" shouted Ronon pointing ahead, then took off at full speed making some people on the path squeal as they moved to get out of his way.

* * *

Slowly making his way through the market square, Carson looked down avoiding the stares of the people around him; and of the few vendors who smiled his way but who silently were very thankful that they did not live in the Daravilus household.

The bruised and bloodied man was a reminder to them to obey the laws of the Sovereign.

A few of them motioned to friends as he passed by:

_That was the foreign healer._

_Never says a word…_

… _feel sorry for the cripple._

_No, he can talk...chooses not to...can't talk properly…_

_I wonder what happened to him?_

But no one made to stop or help him so Carson kept moving forward, ignoring the whispers as he wiped at the blood from his nose with his sleeve; gingerly touching his left cheek, the bruise now in full bloom.

He was wondering where he was going to go when he heard someone nearby shout out. He turned and saw a man almost as large as Lucius charging towards him, his hair wild and flying behind him.

Carson froze in fear hoping the man would turn off down another path…but when he kept coming straight at him, Carson gasped and quickly took a step back, then squatted down, arms covering his head preparing for the assault.

When nothing happened he chanced a look up and saw the legs of the man who had stopped a few feet from him. He looked a little higher and found the man staring down at him, a look of confusion on his face.

"Beckett?" asked the man.

Carson took that moment to stand and turn, his leg pulsing in agony as he moved as fast as he could away from the man, the vendors and the curious onlookers who had stopped to stare at the commotion.

His heart thudded in his chest as his mind prepared for a sudden attack, maybe a knife to the back or a club to the head. Maybe Nahkhan had changed his mind and sent this man to be his demise.

Hearing more commotion behind him, he tried to quicken his steps, but his leg wasn't cooperating. He glanced back to see that the man was now accompanied by two others, another man and a woman.

"Carson!" shouted the woman. "Dr. Beckett!"

At the sound of _Dr. Beckett_ , something shuddered in Carson's mind and he rocked to a stop. Noticing for the first time where he was; at the same hill where he had betrayed his only friend…he hadn't even realized he had been heading towards it.

_Dr. Beckett._

He turned towards the people keeping his eyes locked on the ground as they caught up to him and slowly stopped.

"Carson." said the smaller of the two men. "It's us..."

He suddenly felt overwhelmed, they were calling him by _that_ name…the name of the betrayer. He shouldn't have come here that night; he should be back at the manor with his friend, with Nahkhan, but now…he had no one and it was all his fault.

He spotted the woman's hand reaching for him and took a step back.

"Are you okay?" she asked sadly.

He pointed away from them, then glanced at the strangers, hoping they understood that he wanted to leave.

Ronon squinted his eyes.

"Do you know us?" he rumbled.

He quickly looked at them then looked down shaking his head.

"Carson." said the woman, gently. "We are your friends and we have come to take you home, to take you and Col. Sheppard back to Atlantis."

Carson's head shot up, his eyes widening at the people in front of him. Then he suddenly started to hyperventilate and grabbed his hair tightly yanking hard; looking around, he was now surer than ever that he would find Lucius and Nahkhan in the distance watching him.

"Stop!" shouted the shorter man reaching out to grab his arm, causing Carson to stumble back falling to the ground.

"Carson!" the woman surged forward reaching towards him.

He shakily held his palm up to ward her off as he struggled to his feet, his eyes wide in horror at the repercussions of what would happen if he went with these people.

He would become a _mad man._

The fear on his face stunned the others, causing them to fall silent.

He slowly took a step back, hoping the strangers wouldn't follow, then turned and started to move towards the nearby fields, away from the manor, the village, his life, his heart thumping in his chest.

Ronon shaking his head in frustration glanced at Teyla and Rodney as they watched their friend turn from them in a panic and limp away; grunting softly he pulled his stunner shooting Carson in the back.

Carson fell with a gasp then was still.

"What the hell, Ronon!" shouted Rodney.

Ronon shrugged. "He was going to leave."

Suddenly, they all went silent when a shouted message come through their ear comms; then they all looked at each other.

"Ronon, go! We will follow…hurry!" ordered Teyla.

Ronon not needing to hear any more, turned and ran off.

* * *

John and Lucius had re-appeared in a grove of trees near the Gate.

Slowly coming back to awareness, John grimaced at the pain rushing through his body as lay on the ground blinking up at the trees around him.

_What happened? His father had been mad at him and then…and then…_ He couldn’t remember.

Turning his head to the right, he watched as Lucius adjusted a band on his wrist then looked up at the trees surrounding them.

John frowned. "Where are…What's…?" he began to ask pointing at Lucius' wrist.

"We're getting out of here!" Lucius growled. The teleportation band he had bought a few years ago had once again come into good use.

He reached down pulling John to his feet.

"Why? What happened?" John asked, as he swayed slightly before being pushed forward through the trees.

They were moving quickly, John trying to keep up so he wouldn't be dragged by Lucius' heavy hand gripping his arm.

Lucius was steadfastly heading for the Gate. He wasn't exactly sure what was going on at the manor, so they would be leaving and would return once things died down. His guards would protect his manor from whatever onslaught was occurring.

As they grew closer to the Gate, Lucius suddenly grunted and stepped back behind a tree pulling John with him. Peering around the tree he saw two armed men guarding the Gate.

Sneering, Lucius pulled his weapon and aimed it at the closest guard.

Curious to see who his father was aiming at, John peered around him. On seeing the armed men, a strange feeling rushed through him and without thinking he struck out his arm and…

"No!"

…knocked Lucius's arm, sending his aim off as he fired.

Angry, Lucius elbowed John in the face, then turned back to the guards noticing one of them was radioing in most likely for help; so he stepped from the tree and opened fire.

After some brief weapon fire on both sides, the men were dead and Lucius with a stern glance at John who had fallen to the ground holding the side of his face, headed for the DHD and started to dial.

"No…wait!" John shouted and slowly rose and ran from the trees, blood pouring from his nose.

He frowned at the bodies of the two men, slowly stepping over one of them to get to his father.

"You tried to stop me!" snarled Lucius.

"No, it's...I don't know why I…you...you didn't need to kill them! You're the Sovereign, we could have bargained our way through!"

Lucius grabbed him hard by the arm.

"Bargained?"

He pushed John violently to the ground, aiming his weapon at him as the wormhole behind him roared into being.

"A Daravilus never bargains!" He spat, kicking John hard in the ribs, then turned and started to walk through the Gate.

"W-wait!" John coughed, dragging himself to his feet.

"I was wrong! I promise I won't make that mistake again…and…and I'll find the healer, I'll take care of it!"

Lucius paused for a moment, then shook his head and continued forward.

"Stop! I've been a good son, I've served you well! What do you want me to do? Just tell me and I'll do it! Please, I'm your son!"

The man turned and sneered, moving towards John and grabbing onto his wrist, the light fading from his eyes.

"You were _never_ my son." he hissed.

John's heart sank.

"No, don't, don't say that." he said, slowly shaking his head. "I'll do better…I'll…"

With a burst of energy, Lucius grabbed John by the back of his neck and pulled him in close, whispering harshly in his ear.

"I wish it was Khaval who returned to me and not _you_. I will _never ever_ be proud of you!"

John's eyes widened at that and he watched as Lucius turned and strode through the Gate.

_No._

_No._

The wormhole disappeared in a flash of light and John was left standing alone in the clearing. He could hear the birds chirping brightly in the nearby trees, they didn't know his world had just ended.

"Why?" he shouted.

"I tried my best! I did EVERYTHING you wanted of me! What do I have to do? I wanted you to be proud of me and you just LEAVE?"

He struggled to breathe as tears flowed from his eyes, his emotions overwhelming him.

"I'll do whatever you want!" his neck craned towards the sky.

"Come back! Please...come back!"

The birds in a clap of feathery thunder flew from the trees frightened by his dark sadness.

Then suddenly, from behind him...

"Colonel Sheppard!"

John froze, then quickly grabbed the nearest weapon he could find from the holster of one of the deceased men and turned toward the voice. Weapon aimed at the intruder who dared come upon him, in this, the worst moment of his life.

Lorne stepped from the trees, into the clearing; his heart in his throat as he aimed his P90 at his clearly distressed leader.

"Sir, it's me, Lorne! Drop the weapon! Everything is going to be okay!"

When several men in uniform slipped from the trees, behind the armed man, their weapons all raised at him; John gripped his weapon tighter, resentment sweeping over him surpassing his other emotions.

_How dare they…_

_How dare they!_

Lorne saw the switch on John's face and quickly held up a fist, silently ordering the others to stop in their tracks. Then he slightly lowered his weapon, the others following suit, and took a small step forward.

"Sir, it's me, Lorne. We're not going to hurt you, please…lower your weapon."

John glared at him silently, his eyes flicking every few seconds to the men behind him, then resting back on Lorne’s face.

“Sir?"

John stared at the man's uniform, then at the uniform on the bodies on the ground; they were similar.

_They had to be Arex's friends._

Regret flooded through him.

_They must have taken the manor and were here hunting him and his father down to end the Daravilus line…_

… _and he had wanted to bargain with them!_

John's heart was crushed, his father's words echoing in his head.

" _I will never ever be proud of you!"_

John shook his head slowly, two thoughts echoing loudly in his mind.

_I should have killed Arex when I had the chance._

_This is all my fault._

Lorne grew concerned over John's silence and the state he was in; and how the hand the Colonel was gripping the weapon with had begun to shake.

He took another step forward, glancing back at his men behind him. No one wanted this to go badly, they just wanted their leader back; he had to find a way to diffuse the situation.

John looked at the hand gun he was holding, curious on why his hand was shaking. Then up at the man across from him who had foolishly taken another step closer.

_How did the man think this would all end? He wasn't going to let them kill him._

_If only he could have gone back…done things differently._

"I wasn't the son he wanted." John said and watched the man in front of him frown. "But, that was your plan all along wasn't it?"

"Sir, I'm not sure what you're…" Lorne tensed as John took a step forward and tightened his grip on the gun aimed directly at him.

The P90 flew up, Lorne aiming at John, his heart pounding.

"Col. Sheppard, put the gun down, NOW!"

He heard the men behind him murmuring tensely, and quickly held up a hand telling them to quiet and to lower their weapons he knew they had once more positioned on their leader.

"Col. Sheppard?" John echoed with a chuckle, that turned into a hitching laugh; remembering his previous delusions when he first returned to his father.

"Sir, please!" Lorne urged. He didn't want to shoot his friend and leader.

"Put the gun…" The words froze on his lips as anger flooded John's features, then with a defiant look he surged forward gun aimed and Lorne thought…

_Nononono!_

"Stand down!" Lorne frantically shouted at John, his eyes laser focused on the gun in John's hand.

"Col. Sheppard, stop!" he yelled, his finger twitching on the P90's trigger. Lorne heard his men behind him bristle and the sound of their weapons at the ready made his heart shudder.

_It couldn't end like this!_

John's steps faltered at the repeat of _that name_ and he froze, staring curiously at the man in front of him.

He felt something in his mind shift and he lowered the gun slightly.

"Are you planning on taking me to Atlantis?" he jokingly asked.

"Yes sir, we are." Lorne replied, his body rippling with tension. "You and Dr. Beckett, we've come to take you home."

John face fell flat, his eyes turning frighteningly dark as he raised the gun once more, aiming at Lorne's head.

"No, I don't think so…" John replied and pulled the trigger.

**TBC**


	24. Chapter 24

_"Are you planning on taking me to Atlantis?" he jokingly asked._

_"Yes sir, we are." Lorne replied, his body rippling with tension. "You and Dr. Beckett, we've come to take you home."_

_John's face fell flat, his eyes turning frighteningly dark as he raised the gun once more, aiming at Lorne's head._

_"No, I don't think so…" John replied and pulled the trigger._

* * *

Just as John's finger tightened on the trigger, a blast of light came from the trees slamming into him.

John's gun swung away discharging, the bullet flying inches from Lorne's head; seconds later the Colonel dropped to the ground unconscious.

Ronon stepped into the clearing holstering his weapon, then ran over to John.

"Damn it, Sheppard." he whispered, frowning at the state of his friend.

He glanced at Lorne and the other men as they came forward, the tension rolling off them in waves at what had almost just happened. Keeping a careful watch of the surrounding tree line, they each took a moment to take in the sight of their leader.

"I was going to shoot him, I was a split second away from shooting him..." Lorne whispered, a haunted look in his eyes as he stood next to Ronon and looked down at John.

"After finally finding them…a split second…" Lorne slowly shook his head, the image of what could have been, etched in his mind.

"Ronon…thanks." he whispered.

The Satedan who was now on his knees next to John, glanced up at Lorne and nodded, then turned back to his friend who lay in front of them.

Lorne frowned, concerned. "Is that all his blood?" he asked as they stared at John's bruised and blood stained face and clothing.

"Don't know." said Ronon and for a moment he wasn't sure he wanted to know; fearful that they might have just found Sheppard only to end up losing him.

"Did you find Beckett?" Lorne asked.

Ronon turned and nodded at the tree line where a moment later Teyla and Rodney emerged, a semi-conscious Carson, held up between them. They lowered him slowly to the ground.

"We heard the call for help from your men over our comms." Teyla stated. "Your men...are they..?"

Lorne shook his head quickly and motioned towards the two bodies lying off near the edge of the trees.

Mouth tight, Teyla lowered her head and moved over kneeling by John; saying a quiet thank you to the Ancestors when she saw his chest rising.

"What happened here? The Colonel, he would not have…" she looked at the deceased men.

"I don't think so," said Lorne. "The guard radioed in that there were _two_ men. I'm guessing the other man made his way through the Gate."

"Who shot him?" asked Rodney, fear in his eyes as he knelt by Teyla.

"I did." huffed Ronon; not taking his eyes from John.

"Did you beat him up as well? Sheesh...look at him!"

Ronon gave Rodney a dirty look as Lorne interrupted,

"We need to get them back to Atlantis."

The Major glanced over at Carson and frowned. "They both look pretty bad. What happened to Beckett?"

Carson who was slowly becoming more lucid had rolled onto his stomach and was trying to pull himself towards the trees, one of Lorne's men blocking his way.

Teyla watched Ronon pick John up and answered, "Dr. Beckett was hurt…confused and had to be stunned as well."

"By Ronon…" finished Rodney, gaining a look of distaste from his team mates.

"Okay...okay..." he muttered. “Let's just get them home."

Lorne already at the DHD began dialing; the state of their found friends making him dial as fast as he could.

* * *

It was the following evening before John slowly opened his eyes; wincing as the pain in his head throbbed in cadence with a strange beeping noise that had drawn him from his quiet darkness. Squinting in confusion at the light fixture overhead, he heard rustling nearby and turned his head slowly to see a woman standing over him staring intently at some papers in her hand.

Feeling eyes on her, Jennifer looked up from John's chart to find the man silently staring at her.

"Colonel, you're awake!" she smiled as she put down the chart.

"Where…where's my father?" she heard him rasp.

Her smile faltered, and concerned she stepped closer to the bed checking the readings on some instruments.

"It's pretty late, your team has been camped out here since you came in; but I finally got them to take a break. They said they'd be back after they got something to eat and they checked on …"

She paused at the blank look on his face, and frowning reached for a cup of water next to the bed.

"Here, sir." she offered.

He ignored the water and continued to stare at her, so she put the cup down and gently touched his arm.

"Colonel, do you know where you are?"

John suddenly felt nauseous; he frowned, allowing his gaze to slowly wander around the room he was in then back to the woman by his bedside.

_Something wasn't right._

"Who are you?" he asked; a wariness slowly rising within him.

"Sir?"

His wariness slipping into dread, John's breath deepened, his jaw clenching.

"Where am I?" his voice was low, dangerous.

Jennifer glanced behind her, subtly motioning to an orderly nearby to come over.

"You're in the infirmary on Atlantis." she smiled, the smile not reaching her eyes.

John blinked, then his eyes slowly widened.

"No…that can't be!" he scoffed, slowly shaking his head.

"Colonel Sheppard?"

John twitched, his eyes narrowing.

"What did you call me?"

Jennifer glanced at the orderly who stepped closer to the bed.

John looked around the room.

"Father!" he called out, wincing as the pain in his head exploded.

Then suddenly… he remembered.

What his father had said to him, and the look of anger and disgust on his face before he abandoned him leaving through the Ancestral ring. He remembered Arex's men, their guns aimed saying they would take him _home to Atlantis…_

Jennifer stood back watching with concern at the rush of emotions passing over John's face. What started off as confusion ended in what looked like pained, angry desperation.

She gripped his arm. "Colonel, it's me Jennif…"

John cut her off as he moved backwards trying to sit up; a sudden panic energizing him.

That's when he noticed the restraints on his wrists; ordered by Jennifer after she heard about the events in the clearing.

John froze for a moment staring at the restraints, his eyes moving then to the orderly standing at the end of the bed. In that moment Jennifer saw his eyes turn flat then darken and she subconsciously took a step back as he suddenly exploded in a vicious frenzy. The infirmary echoing the sound of the bed lifting off and smashing back down on the ground as John roared, arching his body and kicking out, twisting left and right trying to free himself.

"Colonel!"

Jennifer leaned over the bed trying to grab hold of his lower body, and was knocked backwards to the ground when John's leg struck her as he violently tried to leverage himself off the bed.

The orderly moved to help her up but she pointed wildly at John.

"I'm okay...I'm okay! Hold his legs!"

The lone orderly leaned his body over John's trying to use his weight to hold down his legs, but he could barely hold onto the man though restrained; it was like trying to hold on to an angry bull.

Jennifer gasped as a moment later with a loud shout, John twisted and the bed he was on screeched and flipped onto its side, pulling him, along with the instruments that were attached to him, and the orderly down with it.

Scrambling to her feet, Jennifer jabbed at her comm.

"Security to the infirmary!" she shouted, then ran around to the other side of the bed.

The orderly had been thrown over the side, a look of astonishment on his face. Jennifer turned to John who lay half on, half off the bed, his wrists still strapped to its sides. The stunned look on his face disappearing a moment later as he realized he was still restrained; and like a movie being unpaused he suddenly reanimated and with a growl he reached out with his legs knocking the orderly who was just starting to stand, off his feet and against a steel cabinet next to the bed.

The man dropped to the ground, the side of his head smacking against the cabinet momentarily stunning him. Gathering as much leverage as he could find, John reared his leg back and proceeded to stomp the orderly's head repeatedly against the cabinet. The bed screeched backwards as John pressed back against it and continued his attack; his expression a mixture of anger and satisfaction as he heard the orderly start to choke, blood pouring from his nose.

"Colonel, stop!" Jennifer cried out, and tried to pull the orderly away from the cabinet and John's legs, almost getting kicked by John in the process.

"Colonel, you're killing him!" she shouted, just as three members of the security team ran in, followed by the rest of John's team who had heard her frantic request over their comms.

The sound of the bed being righted echoed throughout the room, along with the gasping breaths of the orderly as he was pulled away by two more orderlies who had come to his aid.

Seconds later John was hidden from sight as the guards and Ronon tried to hold him down on the bed amid his guttural shouts ordering them to let him go. Teyla and Rodney stood back in shock at the strength of their friend, as the bed continued to move as John kept up the struggle to escape under the weight of all the men holding him down.

One of the orderlies was trying to add restraints to his legs, as Jennifer was quickly preparing a sedative when suddenly John stopped moving and cried out…

"STOP!"

Then with a sob…

"S-Stop touching me!"

"Stop it!" shouted Rodney; the sound of his friend's cry causing him to break free from his shocked stance.

"Step back...move!" he shouted at the men around the bed.

Rodney pushed the men aside, his heart warring between joy that his friend was alive, and utter worry over the sound in his voice.

John looked miserable, his eyes wide and glassy, his breath coming in short harsh spurts.

"Sheppard!" Rodney began, reaching out towards his friend.

"N-no!" John cried out, shaking his head.

"I'm better! This can't be real! I know...I know I'm better!" he murmured frantically, his eyes squeezing shut.

Rodney froze, his hand hovering in mid-air not knowing what to do, what to say to ease his friend's pain.

He watched as Teyla made her way to the other side of the bed gently grasping John's shoulder, ignoring his flinch and the fear in his eyes as they flew open; then placed her other hand on his chest over his heart. Everyone around the bed fell silent as she pressed down on his chest to steady him.

"Shhh…You are safe now." she whispered.

John's breathing was heavy, his body tense as he stared into the eyes of the woman leaning over him.

She pulled back removing her hands, worried over the bruising on his face and the lost look in his eyes.

"Colonel?"

"I'm sorry, father...I'm sorry..." he quietly cried, then turned his head away.

* * *

_-Three days later –_

"How is he?" asked Woolsey as Jennifer entered the observation room. They had moved Carson to an isolation room after he became agitated with the noise level and people moving in and out of the infirmary.

Woolsey, Teyla and Rodney watched as Jennifer had tended to Carson who lay strapped to his bed; Ronon choosing to stay by John's side.

"I had to break his ankle and reset it. Whoever tried to set it, didn't do a good job; he may end up having a permanent limp."

"Did you really have to restrain him?" frowned Rodney.

Jennifer sighed. "The restraints and a light sedative are the only things that are keeping him still…you saw what he was like, Rodney."

Becoming fully alert on the way to the infirmary, it had taken three orderlies to get a bruised and bloodied Carson onto a gurney, as he struggled and hyperventilated worrying everyone over his emotional state.

"After the surgery I didn't want him on his feet; he needs time to heal." she sighed, pushing a stray hair behind her ear and looked down at her friend.

"Col. Sheppard struggled as well." said Teyla.

Jennifer could only nod, remembering how much John struggled and the pain the team went through watching him; they had moved him to an isolation room as well. Both men would need to be treated away from the noise and curious stares from the Atlantis crew for the time being.

"Has Dr. Beckett said anything yet?" asked Woolsey.

"No, but…" started Jennifer.

"But what?"

"God help me...I've never seen anyone look as scared as he does."

"Scared? What's he got to be scared of?" frowned Rodney. "He's safe now."

"I think...I think he's scared of us." she replied.

**TBC**


	25. Chapter 25

Carson tried to steady his breathing.

This had to be a test, but he was loyal to the Daravilus name and would prove it.

People kept trying to talk to him, but he kept his gaze elsewhere avoiding their stares.

"Dr. Beckett, can you hear me?"

_Arex...my name is Arex._

He didn't know how long he lay there. Minutes? Hours? Time was fluid, his spot on the wall unchanging until a large head appeared over him, blue eyes blinking.

"Carson? It's me...Rodney, can you hear me? I know you can so just cut out the creepy staring, okay?"

He slowly blinked and turned his gaze to the face above him, causing the face to smile and turn to someone out of his view.

"You see, I told you I could snap him out of it!"

Rodney looked back at Carson and frowned, the doctor was staring at him like he was a specimen in a jar.

"Hey, how you doing?" Rodney asked awkwardly, trying to lighten the sudden feeling of tension in the air.

Carson's breathing quickened as he continued to stare at the blue-eyed man.

"Uh...come on, say something." said Rodney. "Jennifer says the bruises on your face will heal, which is good because right now they're..." Rodney started to make a face, but then caught himself.

"And...um...she fixed your ankle so you should be on your feet in no time!" He smiled, his smile fading at the lack of response from Carson.

"Come on, Carson. You're on Atlantis, you're safe, now say something!"

Rodney noticed the flash of surprise, then fear washing over Carson's face. Then his eyes slipped back to a corner of the ceiling again, his face blank.

"Hey, come on..." Rodney shook his arm. "You in there?"

When he received no response, he looked up at the observation room.

"I don't know what happened…I had him back for a minute."

Jennifer sighed, “It's okay, Rodney," she said over the intercom, "Good try." She flipped off the intercom and turned to Teyla and Woolsey.

"Carson and the Colonel have a long road ahead of them to overcome what they've been through." she said.

Teyla nodded. "And we will be there for them every step of the way."

* * *

Two days had passed and Jennifer was on her way to the isolation rooms when she heard a startled gasp followed by a loud clatter and John shouting,

"Get away from me!"

She ran in to find an over-turned tray of food on the ground and John's perturbed teammates standing nearby.

"What happened?" she asked.

Rodney looked up in shock, his hand steadying Teyla who was standing next to John's bed, holding her forehead in pain. Ronon was pacing angrily at the end of the bed, weapon drawn and aimed somewhere between an irate John and the floor; Jennifer noticing the struggle on his face on where the final destination of the aim should be.

"Teyla was trying to feed him and he…head-butted her." murmured Rodney whose eyes flicked to John lying on the bed breathing heavily, body vibrating in anger, eyes fixed on Ronon.

Shocked, Jennifer glanced at John then back at the team.

"I am alright, Rodney." sighed Teyla, lowering her hands and pulling away from the scientist.

"Ronon, put it away." she continued, eyeing the Satedan's weapon. "Would you really shoot the Colonel?"

Ronon stopped pacing and glared at her, then at John who glared right back at him; then he holstered his weapon and with a shout of frustration turned and slammed his fists against the wall.

"He will not eat anything." sighed Teyla rubbing her forehead; she watched Jennifer bend to pick up the tray and its strewn contents.

The doctor put the tray on a side table then slowly walked over to the bed, checking the restraints around John's wrists and ankles. He scowled at her as she finished.

"Colonel..." she began, frowning when she noticed John flinch at the title.

"You really need to eat something, it will help you recuperate faster."

"Right..." said John sarcastically. “So eating something will make all of you people disappear then? Cause if that's the case, I'll do it."

"Sir, we're not going anywhere." sighed Jennifer.

"Yeah, that's the problem, isn't it?" John yanked at his restraints as he leaned forward. "Why not drop the pretense then and tell me who you people really are. You don't look like the Ancestor type, so who are you really and just how stupid do you think I am that I'd fall for this again?"

"Fall for what again, Colonel?" asked Jennifer earning her a bemused but dark look from John.

"The kind words, false friendship…" he motioned at the tray on the table, “Drugged food…you're trying to make me fall back into my delusions."

"Again with the…" Rodney touched John's leg letting go quickly when he felt him flinch.

"You're messing with my head!" John motioned to his hand that had the i.v. attached.

"There's more than one way to drug a person…What are you giving me?"

John's eyes flickered in anger. "Tell me!"

"You're being ridiculous!" said Rodney, exasperated. "We're your friends…we're not drugging you! Your name is John Sheppard and..."

"IT CAN'T BE!" John shouted suddenly, shocking everyone. Then he quickly looked away, his eyes narrowing in pain then a sudden sadness as he lowered his head back to his pillow; his eyes slowly turning to the ceiling.

"It-it can't be…" he whispered.

Across the room, Ronon frowned, turned to Jennifer and pointed harshly at John.

"You need to fix him!" he hissed.

* * *

Odalia was in awe.

_She was in the ancestral city!_

It was quite beautiful and much like Nahk… _Sheppard_ had described to her before he had changed under Lucius' thumb.

She slowly walked around Woolsey's office, picking up random items to admire.

John's team, Jennifer, and Woolsey were seated watching her; giving her a moment before she started to tell them what she knew about what John and Carson had been through.

"Mind you, I wasn't with them all the time." She said picking up a carved paper weight and turning it around in her hands.

"Please, tell us whatever you know." smiled Jennifer, motioning Odalia to sit.

Odalia looked around at all the expectant faces, then sighed and shuffled to the empty chair.

"Well, it started about 20 years ago…" she began.

"When Nahkhan ran away…"

The room was silent except for the warbled voice of Odalia as she went through what she knew and what she wished she didn't know about what John and Carson went through over the past months.

The SGA members' eyes widening in horror at the image of Carson's mouth being sewn shut.

"That room changed them." she said.

"How can an empty room change someone?" Ronon asked.

Odalia looked at him sadly. "I never said it was empty. Lucius told me something was in a room in a lower part of the manor, he called it his…pet." she shuddered remembering the smile on his face when he said it.

"Your healer went in once, Sheppard…twice.

"Do you have any idea what the pet was?" Jennifer asked, worry etched on her face.

"No, but Lucius threatened once to send me to that room; he said I'd never survive the visit." Odalia unconsciously hugged herself. "Whatever the thing is, it did something to them."

Woolsey nodded and used his comm to order Lorne and his team back to the manor to find the room Odalia spoke of and to see what was inside.

Ronon looked over at Teyla, who nodded at him.

"Teyla and I will go with them." he said.

Woolsey stood. "Okay, bring back what you find as soon as possible. We need all the input we can get to be able to help them."

They nodded and quickly left to prepare.

Woolsey took a moment, then smiled and turned to Odalia offering her his hand and helped her to stand.

"Thank you so much, Odalia. Without you we would not have our friends back." He motioned to a guard by the door. "Let's get you something to eat and you can rest; we'll talk more later."

Odalia smiled a little unsure but took the guard's arm; as he led her from the room she turned back to the group.

"May I see him….your Sheppard?"

Woolsey nodded. "Soon."

She smiled. "He's a good man."

"Yes…they both are." he replied.

Once she was gone, Woolsey turned to Rodney.

"Dr. McKay…" he began, worried at the look in the scientist's eyes.

Rodney stood quickly giving a sharp uncomfortable cough, looking blankly at the corner of Woolsey's desk.

"I'll…I'll go and see how Sheppard's doing. Carson…" he cleared his throat, trying to keep a rein on his emotions. "...had to be sedated again. Imagine that, so silent but like a mouse…got out of his restraints and everything."

He nodded curtly and left the room.

Woolsey exhaled softly then turned to Jennifer who had stood and was preparing to leave.

"I had to…" she explained. “I'm not sure how he got out of the restraints, but he needs sleep. His bruises are starting to fade, but I'm worried. He's been tense, agitated, afraid…and _too_ quiet…"

She frowned as the image of her friend being held down as his mouth was sewn shut, flashed through her mind.

"Why do you think he won't speak?" Woolsey asked.

"Maybe from the trauma he experienced…I'm just not sure."

Woolsey nodded. "And Sheppard?"

"The Colonel needs more rest; with his bruises, cracked ribs and concussion…" Jennifer took a moment to compose herself. "He's still agitated…confused and _so_ angry."

She closed her eyes and squeezed the bridge of her nose; when she re-opened them, they were heavy with concern.

"Col. Sheppard is angry and Dr. Beckett is afraid…and I found _his_ blood on Sheppard's clothing and hands when they were first bought in. Odalia said something might have happened between them. I…I honestly don't know what to think; could the Colonel have...could he have...?"

Woolsey's face was grim as Jennifer turned and left. He sighed, rubbing his forehead and leaned against his desk.

"I truly hope not, doctor." he whispered, answering Jennifer's horrible unfinished question.

**TBC**


	26. Chapter 26

Rodney fidgeted in the chair trying to find a more comfortable position as he sat next to John's bed. His gaze flicked from his tablet to his friend who lay on the bed still restrained; his dull eyes fixed on the ceiling, an untouched tray of food nearby.

Like Carson, they had to sedate John so he could get some sleep….but it wasn't working; he was fighting the sedation leaving him in a dark, tense stupor of sorts.

Frowning, Rodney put his tablet aside.

"Sheppard?" He leaned forward towards the tray of food.

"You gonna eat this, cause I haven't eaten in hours and I…." His hand accidentally brushed John's arm and he jerked back as John's whole body flinched, the restraints rattling against the side of the bed.

"S-sorry!" Rodney sputtered and leaned back in the chair, brushing his hand over his hair and picking back up his tablet.

"I'm sorry...sorry Sheppard." he murmured, his emotions threatening to overwhelm him.

"Sorry I didn't find you guys sooner."

* * *

Carson awoke to a blonde woman standing by his bed; she smiled kindly and touched his hand making his mind flash back to the night by the hill and the betrayal.

He jerked his hand away, his eyes flicking around the room looking for the Sovereign and his son.

"Carson?"

The woman placed both hands on the sides of his face forcing him to look at her.

"Please, say something." pleaded Jennifer.

_I'msorrysorrysorry_

But he remained silent.

* * *

"Sir, we have incoming."

Woolsey moved out to the control room.

"It's Teyla's IDC." said Chuck.

"It's about time, lower the shield."

Seconds later Teyla, Ronon and Lorne and his team came through the Gate all looking very tired. Lorne had a gash on his forehead and blood was dripping from the sides of his face; he was leaning heavily against one of his men as he limped forward behind two of his other men who were carrying a large wooden rectangular box that was covered with a tarp.

Woolsey walked down to the Gate room.

"What happened?" he slowed at Lorne, worried. "You've been gone for hours, I didn't think the manor was that big!"

"It wasn't." Ronon huffed and motioned to the box the men were carrying.

Woolsey noticed the heft of the box as the men lowered it to the ground with a thud.

He frowned. "Is that it?"

"It is." Teyla replied, fatigue evident in her voice. "We were fortunate to find this container to put it in."

Curious, Woolsey moved towards the box.

"Mr. Woolsey, not here. Somewhere…more secure." Teyla's expression spoke volumes.

"Is it dead?" he asked.

Woolsey received several silent weary gazes in return.

"It's bad, isn't it?" he whispered.

"Yes….and yes." Teyla replied.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, with Lorne being checked out by the infirmary staff, John's team, Woolsey, Jennifer and Lorne's team stood in one of the isolation rooms with the box. An exam table sat nearby so Jennifer could get a clearer view of Lucius' pet.

"What exactly is it?" Jennifer asked.

Teyla looked at her, wearily. "We will need a bigger table." she stated, garnering looks of dread from Jennifer, Woolsey and Rodney.

Woolsey motioned to a guard who left the room, returning minutes later pushing another table. He moved it next to the first, locked it into place then stepped back.

Teyla nodded her satisfaction, then turned to Ronon who pulled the tarp off the box; he and one of Lorne's men then reached in and took hold of Lucius' pet. They hefted it over the side and onto the tables that rattled in protest.

The gasps of those seeing it for the first time echoed throughout the room.

Rodney stumbled backwards. "What the hell..?" he croaked.

"Don't worry, it's dead." Ronon grunted.

Jennifer slowly walked around the tables examining the creature.

_It looked like…_

She paused for a moment staring at it with a horrifying fascination. She couldn't really compare it to anything, because…it wasn't like anything she'd ever seen.

Its body was huge and round, about two feet across in size. It was thick and bulbous, covered in short stiff dark brown hairs; except for at its center where there was a pale deep round hairless opening almost as large as the body itself. Around the opening, thorny dark green tendrils spread out like petals while inside the opening, thick pinkish worm like tubes each almost a foot long emerged; their insides lined with small sharp spines, making them seem like they had teeth.

"Dear God…" murmured Woolsey.

Fascinated, Jennifer stepped forward to examine one of the tubes. As she grasped one, she noticed a slight give and pulled gently; more of the tube emerged from the creature's body, the tube's length expanding from creepy to horrifying. She quickly let it go, stepping back, subconsciously rubbing her gloved hand on her lab coat.

The rest of the creature…the rest of it was _legs_.

Legs surrounding the body that were long as the body was wide. She lost count at ten and for her sanity decided not to start over.

Covered in dark hairs like the body, and lined with sharp hollow spikes; they flopped off the sides of the exam tables.

Jennifer cringed, it was too much.

_It was all too much._

She felt nauseous as she tried to imagine the creature when it was alive and stretched to its full width.

Then a thought hit her.

_Where are its eyes?_

Woolsey turned to Teyla. "This…" he pointed with distaste at the creature, "Was in the room Odalia spoke of?"

"We believe it was," said Teyla, "But when we found the room, the door had been left open allowing the creature to escape. The room was in darkness when we came upon it…it is possible that Lucius may have locked the Colonel and Dr. Beckett in with the creature…in the dark."

The room was silent, everyone imagining the horror of that implication.

"How did you find it then?" asked Jennifer, wondering.

"It found us." said Ronon then corrected himself, "Well, it found Lorne."

"All the guards had fled by the time we returned and the place had been ransacked." said Teyla. "The servants however all remained; according to one of them, awaiting the return of their Sovereign."

"Why didn't they leave like the guards?" asked Woolsey.

"We do not know." Teyla replied. "But they were acting odd, still going about their duties, almost….desperate in their actions. None we spoke with claimed any knowledge of the creature. I believe it…" she pointed at Lucius' pet, "had something to do with their behavior."

"In what way?" asked Jennifer.

"I have heard stories as a young child of a creature that feeds off a person's spirit and eats their will." Teyla replied.

"Eats?" Woolsey asked, subconsciously taking a step back from the creature. "With..." he motioned nervously to the tubes on the creature.

"That's not its mouth." said Ronon. "I heard the same stories as a child. It's what it uses to find its prey." he pointed at the tubes, "It sniffs them out."

"That's why it has no eyes." said Jennifer, understanding.

Ronon nodded. "It doesn't need them, the tubes see for it. It also uses them when it's angry or scared to make a kind of shrieking noise."

Rodney's mouth dropped open. "It-it shrieks?" he stuttered.

"Let out a loud one, when I shot it." Ronon replied.

Rodney turned away and put a hand on his head.

Teyla held up one of its legs. "According to the stories, when it is ready to feed it uses these to get what it wants." She turned the leg, showing the hollow spikes.

"It eats who you are…sucks it right out of you. I thought they were just stories, a person's will and spirit are not tangible...but the Colonel is not the Colonel and Dr. Beckett is not Dr. Beckett; so maybe there is some truth to it all." she sighed, lowering the creature's leg.

"What is it called?" asked Woolsey.

"Our elders called it an Ashen." Teyla replied. "It was the invisible monster in the woods; the fear of it keeping many children from wandering away from their parents."

" _Invisible_ monster?" asked Rodney, who had regained some of his composure and turned back around. "It looks pretty visible from where I'm standing."

"It is dead, that is why we can see it. It can camouflage itself in direct light. We missed it the first few times we searched the hallways and rooms; there was too much light. We were walking past a darkened hallway and had just rounded a corner when it attacked Major Lorne." Teyla exhaled heavily, remembering Lorne's screams as the creature wriggled on top of him before they ran back and opened fire on it. First stunning it, then as it scurried off of the Major, Ronon shooting at it until it shrieked and finally dropped, its legs wriggling slightly, then grew still.

Woolsey shuddered inwardly at the image then turned to Jennifer, "We need to find out more about it."

"I'll run some tests." she replied, her eyes still glued to the creature.

**TBC**


	27. Chapter 27

John's team was in the infirmary watching Jennifer pour over Lorne's medical report. They were all standing around his bed eyeing the Major with pity and a sense of trepidation.

"I'm not dying guys, you can relax." Lorne snarked, pain still evident in his movements.

"I'm not, right?"

He glanced up at Jennifer who gave him a small smile, resting the forms down.

"I'll need to run a few more tests, but no you're not dying." she smiled. "However, you have been through an ordeal that…"

"I feel fine." he sighed.

Jennifer held his wrist to check his pulse and frowned when Lorne flinched, pulling his arm away.

"Major?" concern flashed in her eyes.

He looked confused. "Sorry, I don't know why I did that."

Rodney frowned, "Beckett and Sheppard don't like to be touched either."

"Are you saying I'm going to end up like them?" The worry was evident in Lorne's voice.

"No, no…I don't believe so." replied Jennifer. "You were attacked for several seconds, they most likely for a much longer period of time."

"Major, do you remember anything about the attack?" Teyla asked.

Lorne paused for a moment, brows furrowed. "I…I was in the six position keeping an eye out, when…" he grimaced, "It felt like a truck hit me, then…nothing really."

"It attacked quickly," nodded Teyla. "By the time we ran back, it was fully on top of you…you were screaming."

"Who wouldn't be screaming?" Rodney chimed in. "If that had happened to me, I'd _still_ be screaming." he shuddered.

"Rodney!" chided Jennifer, nodding towards Lorne.

"What?" he looked at Jennifer then down at Lorne who was beginning to look queasy. "Oh, right… never mind."

Ronon grunted and grasped Rodney's shoulder pulling back from the head of the bed and taking his place.

"What else did it do to him?" Ronon asked.

"Well, besides the head wound when he fell, there's heavy bruising on his chest. And these…they're already starting to heal but some small round puncture wounds were found on either side of his body and head; most likely from the legs of the…"

She was pointing out the wounds then stopped, noticing Lorne had paled dramatically.

"Major?" Teyla leaned towards Lorne who had started to tremble slightly, his eyes unfocused.

"I-I remember something...a rush…l-like I was in a-a riptide..." he started to breathe faster.

"I couldn't see…c-couldn't breathe! I-I felt l-like I was being torn apart!"

His breath was hitching now. "There…there was a sound…I d-don't know…but…but it…"

"Okay, it's okay!" Jennifer tried to stop him, worried about the Major's sudden down grade.

"No…NO! It was loud _…so_ loud! And I couldn't…I-I couldn't..!"

Lorne started to hyperventilate, his body shaking; hands clenching and unclenching, his eyes wide.

"Major!" shouted Jennifer. "Calm down! It's okay, you're safe! Slow your breathing for me…Major Lorne!"

She reached out and touched his arm hoping to ground him when Lorne, suddenly lunged at her.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" he screamed.

Jennifer jumped back as Ronon grabbed the now struggling Lorne and threw him back down on the bed; holding him there as a flustered Jennifer quickly prepared a sedative.

"Can't breathe….can't breathe!" Lorne shouted.

Ronon held onto him until Jennifer injected the sedative, then he quickly let go and backed away from the bed.

Seconds later, Lorne was out; everyone breathing a nervous sigh of relief.

"What the hell was that?" Rodney asked Jennifer, "I thought you said he was okay!"

"Rodney…" started Teyla.

"No, no! She said he was okay. _That_ …was _not_ okay!"

"Rodney!" Jennifer took a deep breath to calm herself as she checked Lorne's pupils and pulse, then turned to the frazzled scientist.

"Major Lorne _is_ okay, but he's been through something traumatic. He's going to need some time."

Rodney made to say something else, but stopped at the expression on everyone's face.

"Sure, fine…but that definitely wasn't okay." he muttered.

* * *

"Is he awake?"

John sighed and opened his eyes, gritting his teeth at the sight of the people in the room. He closed his eyes tightly and took a deep breath, when he re-opened them they hadn't moved but were now staring at him inquisitively.

He stared back, the strain of uncertainty frustrating him. If these people were delusions, then his mind had broken after the healer had betrayed him and he in turn had betrayed his own father.

Maybe he was still in the clearing babbling to no one, his mind gone. Or, maybe this was real and the healer's people had decided to take him and hold him for ransom...to a father who had left him behind with no love, no worth and no pride.

No ransom would ever be paid.

He thought of everything his father had worked for now all gone, and a feeling of regret washed over him; he should have killed Arex. Maybe he still could, if he could find a way out of this place and figure out where the traitor went.

Then he'd hunt down the betrayer…he'd _make_ his father proud of him. He'd…

"Colonel?"

John flinched, his eyes flicking to the end of the bed where a man stood, balding, with an authority to his stance. He was standing next to the woman doctor who was eyeing him nervously.

John's eyes narrowed at the new face.

Woolsey nodded to Teyla and Ronon who were sitting close by, Rodney had chosen to check in on Carson. Woolsey had hoped the Colonel would be back to his senses by now, but the man before him lay dripping with suspicion and anger.

"I'm going to cut to the chase, Colonel. My name is Richard Woolsey, I am the Commander here on Atlantis….and yes you truly are here…none of this is a delusion."

John scoffed, "Delusion…abduction…" he muttered under his breath.

Woolsey frowned, pausing for a moment before continuing.

"You _were_ abducted a few months ago, but by a man named Lucius Daravilus, we found you and have brought you here, brought you home."

"Home?" chuckled John, incredulously.

"Yes, home. I…I need to ask you about Dr. Beckett." Woolsey glanced at Ronon and Teyla who were eyeing him warily.

"We hoped you would have mentioned him first, but you haven't and we're not sure why; whether it's that you don't remember him…or for other reasons."

"Woolsey." Ronon growled softly, a warning in the air.

The older man's eyes flicked to the Satedan then back to John.

"Well?" Woolsey asked, his stoic façade slowly fading under John's laser stare.

"Arex is here?" John asked, his voice was low…dark.

Woolsey recalled Odalia telling them that was name given to Carson by Lucius.

"Yes he is, but he hasn't spoken since we brought you both home and we'd like to know why. We need to know what happened to you. Why...why you had his blood all over you."

A slow smirk crept across John's face.

"I'm surprised the traitor refuses to speak, now that he's home among his own." he muttered.

"Traitor?" asked Teyla moving to the side of the bed. "What did he do, Colonel?"

"Why don't you ask him? Oh wait…" John smiled, his eyes slowly turning flat. "He betrayed me and my father."

"That man was _not_ your father, Colonel." sighed Woolsey, remembering what Odalia had told them.

"And why would I believe you?" asked John dryly.

"Would you believe _me_?" came a warbled voice from the doorway to the room.

John's eyes widened as the old woman stood in the doorway, then slowly walked towards the bed, the door sliding shut behind her.

"Odalia?" John whispered, confusion and astonishment splashing across his face.

Odalia smiled at Woolsey as she stopped at the head of the bed, then turned her gaze to John and softly placed her hand on his restrained arm.

John stared at her, his eyes warily flicking to the others in the room, then back.

"How are you here? I looked for you! Why are…"

"I'm came to see you, _Nah_ …John…John Sheppard. This…" she circled one finger in the air. "This is all very real. These people are your friends and only want what's best for you because they care about you."

John's eyes bored into hers, the confusion she saw there made her frown; a sigh on her lips.

He pulled his arm away from her touch. "I couldn't find you…you just _left_." he muttered.

"My boy, Lucius didn't give me much of a choice. He forced me to leave so he could have you all to himself; to mold you to his own liking. He changed you….made you forget yourself…your friends."

"Friends?" snarled John. "My father…"

"No." said Odalia; her voice quiet but stern cutting off John's rant.

"You are not Lucius' son. I should know, I was there when both his sons were born. You knew who you were before…you told me, you begged me to help get you and the healer back here to Atlantis…your home."

John pulled against the restraints, his eyes flicking to the others in the room then back to Odalia.

"Why are lying?" he hissed.

"Lying?" replied Odalia sadly. "Now why would I lie?"

As John continued to glare at her, she sighed then turned to Woolsey who earlier had allowed her to see Lucius' pet that they had brought back to Atlantis. She had cried out in horror then sadness at seeing it; imagining all those who had been hurt by the monstrous thing.

"He may need to see it for himself, to see what Lucius did to him." she stated.

Woolsey started to open his mouth, then shut it and nodded.

"Sir, I don't recommend it, he shouldn't …" started Jennifer but Woolsey's hand on her shoulder and slight shake of his head cut off her argument.

"We'll set it up." his smile was tight as John's angry stare turned on him.

**TBC**


	28. Chapter 28

Rodney sat in a corner of the room, tablet in hand watching Carson hobble around. The medical boot on his foot thudding an echo on the floor that would have been comical, if not for the forlorn look on the doctor's face.

As Carson moved to the door once again to try to leave the room, the guards standing nearby looked awkwardly at Rodney who just shook his head and muttered, "Let him be."

With his ankle healed enough to put some weight on it, Jennifer had ordered the restraints removed to give the still silent doctor a small sense of freedom in hopes that he would finally start talking.

So far it wasn't working.

Placing his tablet down, Rodney stood as Carson moved from the door and started to walk the room; one hand trailing against the wall, his lips moving but no words escaping them.

It was…walk the room, bang on the door, walk the room…over and over again.

"Carson?" said Rodney as his friend neared him, but the Scot as he did before flinched away from Rodney's voice; moving away from him then back to the wall continuing his clunking walk.

Rodney sighed and slumped back into his chair, wondering just when all of this was going to end and he'd get his best friends back.

* * *

"Will you stay?" asked Teyla.

Odalia nodded from across the room as they watched a guard undo John's restraints.

"Of course." she replied, her eyes on John whose face reflected his curiosity and suspicion at the guard who was releasing him from his binds.

Several marines armed with stunners entered and took up spots around the room; followed by Jennifer, Ronon and two of Lorne's men pushing a large covered clear lab container.

Jennifer ordered them to move the container against the wall across from the foot of the bed, then turned to John who was sitting up slowly rubbing his now freed wrists.

He glanced at her, then the container.

"What is that?" he asked, as he swung his legs off the side of the bed.

"Colonel…" she began.

John huffed at her the turned to Odalia.

"Go and see." the old woman said.

He hesitated, glancing at the container then back to her.

"Why? What's in there?"

"We believe that it was in the room that you were forced into by Lucius."

John's brow furrowed and he shook his head, annoyed.

"What are you talking about?"

Odalia frowned and looked at Jennifer, who turned to Woolsey.

"Sir, this is a bad idea."

"We need to try to snap him out of this!" Woolsey replied.

"Yes, but not like this!"

He stared at her for a beat contemplating her words, then turned to Ronon.

"Ronon, the cover." he ordered.

The Satedan glared at him, then looked at Jennifer who paused then reluctantly nodded her okay.

Ronon removed the cover, his eyes focused on John who stood and slowly turned towards the container; annoyed at the armed guards and the others who were looking at him.

"Y'all seem very worried over something you have in a box." John muttered as he moved towards the container.

He glanced at the guarded door and wondered how many of Arex's men he would have to take down to make it out of there. He just needed to get one of their weapons…but first, he'd need to take care of the large man with all the hair who had a major staring problem; the man exuded violence.

As he neared the container, as the thing inside came more into view, John slowed to a stop.

He looked down at his feet confused…

_Why'd I stop?_

…then back up at the container and the thing inside.

It was some sort of mutated creature, huge and horrible to look at. John glanced at Odalia who smiled and nodded at him, then he returned his gaze to the mutation.

Why were they showing him this?

_Coward!_

John gasped softly and took a step back; a sudden feeling of fear washing over him, confusing him. Rubbing the side of his neck, he winced at the legs on the monster.

What was wrong with him? He couldn't stay here…he had to find…

_Disgrace!_

John twitched and took another step back, the whole room could hear his breathing hitch.

Ronon glared at Woolsey who turned and whispered something in Jennifer's ear.

She shook her head and started to step forward to put a stop to what was happening, when Teyla standing nearby held up a hand to stop her; she remembered what the creature had done to Lorne. John would have to remember what had happened to him, if there was any chance of him getting past it.

"It was with you in the room." Teyla whispered, her heart going out to her friend, when she saw him flinch.

"It crawled on top of you and tried to steal you away."

John glanced at her then back to the container.

"What?" he murmured, his breathing getting faster.

_I won't run…please…please…_

Teyla could tell that though John was present, his mind had found the pain that he had forgotten. She moved closer, remembering Lorne's screams.

"Its legs pressed against you...and the pain you felt…"

_One more try!_

"Stop!" John gasped.

"Lucius locked you in on purpose." Odalia said sadly, understanding what Teyla was doing. "He knew it was in there…he wanted it to touch you...

_Stoptouchingmestoptouchingme!_

…to hurt you."

Odalia reached out and touched John's arm.

"No!" John shouted and spun blindly knocking the old woman to the ground.

"NO!"

"NO!"

He continued to shout, his back slamming up against the wall; his eyes were squeezed shut, his arms flailing in front of him.

The marines tightened their grips on their weapons as Teyla rushed to Odalia's aid, and Ronon stepped between the armed men and John, an angry look on his face.

"I'm alright, I'm alright." muttered Odalia as Teyla helped her to her feet. They all turned to John who had slid down the wall to the ground, his legs pulled up and arms wrapped around his knees.

"Sheppard." Ronon said softly and crouched in front of his friend.

John's eyes were wide and unfocused, his body trembling.

"I won't run again." he whispered. "I won't…I…"

"Sheppard?" Ronon repeated, inching closer.

John's eyes turned to him and Ronon frowned at the trapped look in them.

"Hey, Buddy." the Satedan smiled, trying for friendly but tensed and followed suit as John pressed against the wall pulling himself to his feet, his eyes flicking around the room unfocused once again.

"…learned my lesson." John panted, his body now shaking, his voice growing louder.

"Open the door! Open the..!"

The door to the room slid open to the shock of everyone, as John in his panicked state unknowingly accessed his ATA gene. Everyone froze for a moment then all the guards lifted their stunners aiming at John who had gone unnaturally still and was staring at them.

He blinked, then slowly looked from them to the open doorway.

"Col. Sheppard?" Teyla grew tense as she watched John's fists clench, his body almost vibrating.

Without thinking, Ronon reached out to steady his friend.

"Ronon, no!" warned Teyla.

In that split second, at Ronon's touch John turned to the Satedan with eyes almost feral, and growling he barreled into Ronon sending both of them sprawling to the ground.

"Let me out!" John roared.

"Sheppard!" Ronon shouted, his arms spread out to his sides to avoid touching John who kicked away from him half crawling half swaying towards the open doorway; his breath now coming in huge gasps.

"I learned my lesson…I..!"

The guard by the open door looked at Woolsey, unsure of what to do.

"Sir!" Jennifer turned to Woolsey, an urgent look in her eyes. "He feels trapped!"

He stared at her for a moment understanding, then turned to the guard.

"Stand down!" he ordered.

Immediately, the guard lowered his weapon and stepped aside.

The room grew silent, worried sets of eyes all on John as his movement slowed, his breathing now erratic as he made for the open door.

"L-let…me...I-I w-won't...I w-won't..!" He collapsed to the ground, his hands and legs twitching; then exhaled loudly and was still.

**TBC**


	29. Chapter 29

"Sir, you asked to see me?"

"Dr. Keller." Woolsey closed the file he was reading and stood up from his desk, motioning to a chair. "Please, sit."

He moved around his desk sitting on its edge as Jennifer took a seat.

"So, Doctor. It's been several days…"

"And you'd like an update on Dr. Beckett and Col. Sheppard." Jennifer finished.

"And Major Lorne…how are they?"

"The Major is doing better, I'll be discharging him today; though if you could keep him off any work rotation for the next few days that would speed his recovery. He's still showing some signs of anxiety, and there was a sleep-walking incident in which he awoke quite alarmed."

"Done." nodded Woolsey. "I'll have a guard placed at his door, in case of any further incidents, and will order him to check in with you until you deem him fit to return to duty."

"Thank you, sir."

"As to Beckett and Sheppard?"

Jennifer sighed. "Dr. Beckett's ankle seems to be healing nicely, but he still hasn't said a word. I've re-done some tests to be sure, but there's no physical reason why he can't speak. I'm just not sure how to help him."

"I don't think any of _us_ can help him; whatever happened between them…that may be something only Col. Sheppard can do. How is the Colonel?"

"There's been no change."

After his breakdown in the isolation room, John had become unresponsive; his team taking turns going back and forth between his and Carson's room hoping for a sign of change in either of them.

Woolsey sighed, removing his glasses for a moment and squeezing the bridge of his nose.

"That is unfortunate. Lately, I'm beginning to think we're doing them a disservice keeping them here. The trauma they experienced…maybe they can find the help they need back on Earth."

Jennifer stared at him for a beat. "You want to send them _home_?"

"No, but maybe it's…"

"Sir," she interrupted. "I understand your logic. On some level as their doctor I actually agree with it. However…in this case, I believe sending them back would be the worst thing we can do for them. They were traumatized on an alien world! They'd be studied then locked away with no hope of ever returning to Atlantis; and from what I know of both of them, that's something they would never want. They have people here who care about them and are willing to help in any way that they can. We need that time...and they need that chance."

Woolsey stared at her, a small smile forming on his lips.

"Okay, doctor…okay." he nodded.

* * *

_...we have to go..!_

_…no…no take me!_

_...run..!_

_…Father, no!_

_...want to be proud of you…_

_…you ruined everything…_

_…coward…_

_….disgrace…_

_…everything!_

_…he's my friend…_

_…liar…_

_…I will never be proud of you..!_

_…Father..!_

_…never…_

_…I choose…_

_…ever..!_

_...I choose..!_

"Carson!" shouted John, his eyes snapping open.

Rodney, who was sleeping at his bedside, head tilted back and snoring softly, gasped, instantly awake. He jumped to his feet, his tablet clattering to the ground.

"Sheppard?"

John slowly blinked, groaning softly.

"Hey..." Rodney leaned over the bed. "Can you hear me?"

John frowned at the sudden shadow over him…

_Disgrace!_

…and flinched violently causing Rodney to jump back.

"Uh, Sheppard?"

He watched as his friend blinked rapidly trying to focus.

"McKay?" John finally rasped out.

Rodney's eyes widened at the familiarity in John's voice.

"You remember me?" He broke into a grin and turned to the observation room, only to find it empty; the night nurse had stepped away from her post. Glancing at the clock on the wall he saw that it was just after 4 a.m.

"Jennifer," he said, snapping his fingers. "I need to call Jennifer!"

"McKay..." said John, fatigue staining his words, his brow furrowing.

"Yes…yes?"

"Wha's goin' on?" John tried to sit up, confused at the restraints binding him. "…the hell?"

"Jennifer!" Rodney shouted into his comm, causing John to wince at the noise.

"Sorry…sorry." the scientist whispered turning away from the bed.

"Jennifer…" he tried again in a lower voice. “Jen…"

"Yes, Rodney." came a tired reply over the comm. "Sorry, I fell asleep at my desk."

"He's up, he's up!"

"Slow down….what…"

"It's Sheppard!"

He heard the clatter of a chair falling over.

"I'm on my way!" she said.

Rodney turned back to the bed; his friend's face a mask of confusion and a hint of something else.

"Rodney?" John whispered. "Where's Carson?"

* * *

It was a few hours later and John's team, Jennifer and Woolsey were all standing around John's bed looking at him.

His restraints had been removed and he was returning everyone's stares with a raised eyebrow.

"Okay, so you're all freakin' me out a little…so quit starin'!"

"Colonel…" started Woolsey.

"If you're going to ask the questions," said John. "Keller already beat you to the punch. Name, rank, serial number and all that…was a little iffy on the date, but got the year right." His smirk didn't reach his eyes.

"Well that's good." Woolsey replied. "However, would you mind answering some questions for the rest of us?"

John sighed. "I'm Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, I'm on Atlantis, I..."

"Do you remember what happened to you?" Woolsey interrupted.

John frowned and grew still; the group becoming concerned when several seconds passed and he still hadn't moved.

"Colonel?" Teyla whispered.

He blinked, inhaling sharply as he looked at the worried faces around him.

"Carson and I, we were on Ulatai. There was a meteor storm…then…we were at the manor…and…"

"What happened between you and Beckett?" Ronon asked.

John stared at his warrior friend, his lips tight then turned to Woolsey.

"I need to see him."

"Colonel," Woolsey crossed his arms. "You didn't answer Ronon's question."

John sighed and looked down at his lap. "Just tell me...is he okay?"

"He has not spoken since his return." said Teyla sadly.

The guilt in John's eyes as he looked at her then at Woolsey was evident to everyone in the room.

"Woolsey…" John's voice a whispered plea.

Woolsey stared at him, then turned to Jennifer.

"Get him a wheelchair." he said.

**TBC**


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though healing may come…it never comes easily.

Rodney and Ronon entered Carson's room; Ronon pushing a quiet John in a wheelchair. John's face was a study in emotions as he saw Carson, who was standing facing the wall in a far corner of the room; his lips were moving silently, one hand gripping the side of his head.

"He's getting worse." whispered Rodney.

John sighed sadly. "Guys, can you give us a minute?" he asked without looking at his companions.

"You sure, Sheppard?" Ronon asked, gripping John's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm sure." he replied softly.

Ronon nodded and touched Rodney's elbow motioning for them to leave; he gave the guards a look and they followed behind them.

"We'll be close by if you need us." the warrior stated before the door closed behind them.

John nodded to no one and stared at his friend.

"Doc?" he whispered, wriggling uncomfortably in the wheelchair when Carson didn't respond.

"Carson?" he said a little louder, rolling himself closer to his friend.

Still no reaction.

John sighed and pulled himself to his feet, leaning against the bed in the center of the room. He glanced up at the observation room as Ronon and Rodney joined the others, and felt a myriad of emotions flood through him. Relief that he and Carson were back home, anger over what had been done to them and a heavy guilt over why his friend in front of him was the way he was.

"We're safe now." John whispered. "Doc…" He froze when Carson flinched and pressed his hands and forehead against the wall.

"Hey…" John frowned, biting his lip as he slowly moved around to the other side of the bed; while trying to squash down the sudden influx of images that burned through him of the man he had thought of as his father, and the weaknesses that had allowed him to accept the lies he was told.

He'd been gullible _…_

_A disgrace…_

"Arex?" John said hesitantly.

Carson slowly turned, his eyes flicking fearfully around the room then back to John.

"M'lord?" he mouthed.

In the observation room, there were looks of confusion as John's eyes widened and with a shake of his head he stepped forward hand outstretched.

"No…no…it's me Sheppard. It's okay, we're safe…it's…"

Carson gasped and moved, his back slamming up against the wall under the observation room.

"Sorry…m'sorry…" No sound passed his lips as he said this, then he raised his hand and began to yank at his hair to the horror of John.

"Arex…Carson…stop it…stop!" John moved to him and grabbed his hand and the doctor froze, his eyes flicking around the room then back at John and then he grabbed him, pulling him close and whispered frantically in his ear…

"Ya shoulda just killed me!"

Carson stepped back, nodding sadly and John could only stare at him, mouth slack in horror; remembering similar words spoken to him when he had failed another man. Heart broken, he looked up towards the observation room.

No one in the room had heard Carson, but the shocked look on John's face caused them all to glance at each other; their level of concern rising higher.

_Would they ever be able to help their friends?_

* * *

Later, when they asked him what had happened in the isolation room and what if anything did Carson say to him, John stayed quiet.

_They would never understand…_

They told him that it was Odalia who had given them the information leading to Carson and his freedom.

They told him about the creature that had hurt him, Carson and Lorne; and that it had resulted in him "checking out" for a little while.

He didn't remember seeing the creature or the resulting fallout and that bothered him…feeling so out of control.

"You don't have to worry Colonel." Jennifer told him, mistaking the look of concern on his face as fear about the creature.

“After I did more tests, I had it destroyed. I couldn't find anything to explain how it did…what it did. I'm sorry, sir.”

John nodded stiffly, his mind far from the dead unknown creature. He had to check on Lorne to make sure he was okay…he had to make sure Carson was okay…

He kicked himself mentally, self-hatred brewing within him.

He should have been stronger.

Lucius had fooled him…and now his friends were hurting and he had no one to blame but himself.

* * *

Lorne had surprised him by coming by to see how he was doing.

" _How are you, sir?"_

" _I'm fine, Lorne. I heard about your…attack. I-I'm sorry you had to go through what you did."_

_Lorne cocked his head to the side. "I'm sorry too. We should have found you and Beckett earlier so you both wouldn't have..."_

" _I heard you've been cleared for duty." John interrupted him, a grin on his face._

_Lorne frowned and slowly nodded. "You will be too…maybe give it a few more days. I wanted…" Lorne cleared his throat. "I wanted to say how sorry I am about what happened in the clearing on the planet, Colonel. I'm glad it didn't come to what it almost did. I couldn't…Sheppard?"_

_Lorne stopped talking when he saw John pale dramatically in front of him; his eyes first confused then frantic in his calm face._

" _Sheppard, you okay?" Lorne asked softly, then realized what he had done; the Colonel hadn't remembered the clearing…_

_But now…_

_Damn._

" _Sir, I'm…"_

" _I'm glad you're okay, Lorne." John's body was tense, his tone stiff, pushing for an end to the conversation._

Lorne nodded, then left to find Jennifer, concerned that he had just done more damage than good.

* * *

_The air was cold as it wafted through the darkness of the nearby trees._

_Carson shivered, frozen in one spot as a hooded figure walked towards him, the hidden moon masking its face in shadow. He frantically looked around willing himself to move because he was by the hill… **that** hill. His chest clenched as he saw the Sovereign and Nahkhan silently standing, watching him by the edge of the trees._

_Nonono! He couldn't betray them again!_

" _Carson?"_

_His eyes swung back to the figure as it drew nearer._

_He couldn't move, his heart beating faster as he struggled to run, but his feet wouldn't obey._

" _Carson? You're safe…" whispered the figure. It was almost upon him and his brows furrowed in confusion._

_He looked back at the Sovereign and…_

_Where was Nahkhan?_

_The moon slid from behind the dark clouds as he spun back to the hooded figure and gasped. It stood in front of him head down, and directly behind it to its left stood the Sovereign's son, ramrod straight, and staring at him._

" _M'lord?"_

_Nahkhan turned towards his father in the distance and whispered,_

" _Liar."_

_Confused, Carson quickly glanced at the Sovereign then back to his friend._

" _Liar!" Nahkhan repeated, louder._

_Anger tinged his friend's voice, crisp and acrid in the night air; his eyes still on his father._

_Nahkhan then turned back to him, his eyes, piercing in the moonlight. His hand now on the figure's shoulder as the figure slowly raised its head and pulled back the hood._

_It wasn't the blonde woman; it was…_

_It was…_

"Teyla?" Carson murmured, twitching in his sleep.

His eyes fluttered open for a moment then closed again, sleep wrapping around him.

* * *

Rodney opened his eyes and blinked, staring at the tablet in his lap for a moment, then over at Carson's bed; he thought he heard something.

He looked up at the night nurse in the observation room, then stared at his sleeping friend for a moment. Shrugging and stretching his legs on the edge of Carson's bed, he closed his eyes and returned to sleep.

**TBC**


	31. Chapter 31

A few days later, after complaining that he was well enough and wanted some privacy, John had been allowed to return to his quarters.

Jennifer had frowned at him, as he prepared to leave the isolation room; seemingly staring past all the walls he was trying to click back into place. She reminded him of their agreement that he would check in at the infirmary once a day, until she deemed him fit to return to duty.

"I'm fit now." he argued, but she knew different as she stared at the dark circles under his eyes and the defeat in his countenance that was so unlike the man she knew.

Lorne had spoken to her about the conversation he had with John and she was concerned at the unwarranted guilt the Colonel was burying himself under.

"Get some sleep, Colonel." She replied. "Then maybe we can talk about your return to duty."

John's eyes narrowed, lips pursed as he took the sleeping pill packets from her, then turned and left for his quarters.

* * *

He couldn't sleep…or wouldn't. He wasn't sure anymore. With sleep came the reality of who he had become and what he had done. So he spent the following days disappearing into the bowels of the city, trying to get further away from himself, further away from the smiles and the false words of people who just didn't understand.

_He was weak._

The stash of sleeping pills Jennifer continually gave him grew in the bottom drawer of his night stand; as he walked the dark hallways, remembering moments where he should have known better. Re-living the blood and the anguish and the look of fear and sadness on one of the nicest men he knew.

They would tell him that it wasn't his fault.

_But wasn't it?_

* * *

_A light swung overhead in the darkened room as he stood in a corner shaking, staring at his hands that were red._

_Frowning, he clenched and unclenched them, confused; their stickiness causing his breath to falter._

_Hands grabbed him by the shoulders, and his eyes shot up to the smiling face of his father appearing out of the darkness._

" _You have made me proud, son. Look..."_

_Lucius turned to the side, pointing at Carson who stood soaked in blood under the swaying light, a puddle growing at his feet._

_Carson smiled widely, blood seeping through his teeth and bubbling over his lips as he laughed and stepped towards John._

" _It's okay" he chuckled, his Scottish brogue was thick as more blood poured from his mouth, and he took another step towards John, arms wide as he nodded._

" _Ya did good m'lord! I deserved it! I deserved it! I…"_

"NO!" John shouted, shooting up out of bed and tumbling to the floor, startling Teyla who was meditating cross-legged on the floor nearby.

"Colonel!" She stood reaching for him, her brows furrowing as he scrambled away from her touch.

She stepped back for a moment allowing him his space as he tried to focus on his surroundings.

"Are you…alright, John?"

John's eyes flicked to her's and he concentrated on slowing his breathing.

_It was a dream, a stupid dream!_

"Here." Teyla stretched her hand out to him.

He glared at her hand and ignored it getting to his feet.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and slowly swiping a hand down his face.

"You did not answer your door, so I had Rodney open it for me. We are worried about you…" She pointed at the open drawer of the night stand filled with the sleeping pills.

"It was ajar." she explained.

John narrowed his eyes. "I'm fine, Teyla."

_Gullible_

_I will never be proud of you_

_You were never my son_

Teyla sighed. "John, you need to talk about it."

John glared at her.

"Talk about what?" he snapped.

She stared at him for a moment, quieting the frustration she felt over his stubbornness; neither he nor Carson asked for what had happened to them.

"You need to talk about what is keeping you from sleeping and Carson from speaking."

"What?" John chuckled weakly getting to his feet. "You don't know anything about it."

"Then tell me."

They stared at each other for a moment, John's face a lesson in sadness and stubbornness.

"I need some air." he finally muttered and headed for the door.

"I will come with you."

"No."

His one word cut through her as he turned.

"It's not safe for anyone to be around me." she heard him murmur as he left.

**TBC**


	32. Chapter 32

"I'm here for my checkup."

Jennifer gasped, her coffee mug slipping from her grasp to the floor, dark brew spattering everywhere.

She spun to find the Colonel behind her, staring wide eyed at the ground.

_The black brew, almost like blood, pooling…a broken body…crying out…_

"I-I'm _so_ sorry." he whispered. And at that moment, Jennifer could tell he was somewhere else, seeing something else.

"Colonel? It-it's okay…you just startled me. Come, sit."

She motioned to one of the beds and watched as he slowly moved towards it.

"How have you been feeling?" she asked, pulling out her stethoscope.

"I'm good." he murmured, looking up at the ceiling as she did her basic tests to his health.

"Sleeping?" she asked.

He paused, then nodded, eyes still towards the ceiling.

And your nightmares?"

John's eyes darkened as they looked at her.

"Your screams have been heard from out in the hallway, Colonel."

Jennifer stared at him willing him to deny it.

"You do eventually want to return to duty…don't you?"

John opened his mouth to argue, then closed it with a frown, his eyes narrowing.

The doctor gave a terse nod of satisfaction.

"You don't have to stand on bravado with anyone, Colonel; not even with yourself. We're here for you."

* * *

A few evenings passed and Rodney was on his way to John's quarters, his tablet in one hand bag of snacks in the other. He was hoping John would finally open up and not be the silent brooding man he'd been the other nights Rodney tried to stay with him; when he was actually in his room and not wandering the halls.

He spotted Odalia and a guard walking towards him.

"Mr. McKay." smiled the old woman.

Rodney winced at the "Mr."

"Odalia." he nodded. "I'm just on my way to Sheppard's room." He pointed down the hall in a hurry to be on his way.

She nodded. "I have not yet been given permission to see him again."

"I know…it's not really the best time for you to visit. Maybe soon…you should talk to Woolsey about it."

"I will…I-I just feel I'm beginning to overstay my welcome."

Rodney who was staring past her down the hallway nodded, his eyes flicking to hers.

"Talk to Woolsey. I'm sure it's fine." he motioned he had to go and she smiled.

"Thank you, Mr. McKay. I will."

Rodney winced again at the "Mr." but nodded with a quick smile and went on his way.

* * *

_Traitor..!_

… _ruined everything..!_

_Unwanted..!_

… _Get Out!_

Carson woke with a scream lodged in his throat to find himself standing and banging his fists against the wall near his bed, his heart thundering in his chest.

"I ruined everything…" he sobbed quietly.

"Everything."

Over in a corner of the room, Ronon slowly opened his eyes and sighed; Carson was up again with another nightmare. He stretched his long legs out from where he sat against the wall and stood, trying to figure out how he'd get his friend back into bed this time without sedatives being involved.

He'd have to say something to Jennifer; the night nurse who was a recent transfer to Atlantis was a little too free with that syringe of hers; sedating Carson when she felt he was getting himself too riled up.

As he took a step towards Carson he froze, his mouth falling open…

Carson said something…

I ruined everything?

Ronon looked up at the observation room and violently shook his head, raising the palm of his hand out at the night nurse, who was standing staring at them holding her syringe. She frowned, nodded then sat back down, her eyes never leaving the scene in front of her.

He wished Teyla was there; she would know what to do, what to say. The team was taking turns watching over John and Carson, tonight was Teyla's night off.

Rodney was staying with John and was probably having a hard time; the Colonel was not one to stay cooped up.

Ronon and Teyla had followed John on occasion to keep an eye on him; but he must have known as he kept finding longer corridors and deeper places within Atlantis to wander until the life signs detector could barely pick up his transponder, and even Ronon would lose track of him.

" _It's like the city is helping him hide." muttered Ronon._

" _He wants to be alone". Rodney had said as the team and Woolsey stared at the monitor in front of them, and the faint blip coming from deep within Atlantis._

" _However, he should not be." sighed Teyla._

" _Tell that to him!" Rodney pointed at the blip. "Oh wait, we already did that!"_

" _Keep an eye on him." Woolsey said to Rodney pointing at the screen. "I don't want to put him under lockdown, because he always comes back when he's done wandering, but I want to make sure…"_

" _I've already taken care of it. I've programmed the system to follow his movements and to set an alarm if he goes too out of range."_

_Woolsey nodded and stared at the slow moving blip._

" _We need you back, Sheppard." he whispered._

* * *

Ronon slowly moved towards Carson as his banging on the wall increased as did the words finally flowing from him.

"M'sorry…my fault m'lord…I deserved it…shoulda killed …I deserved it…I deserve…"

Ronon reached him and hesitantly grabbed his shoulder turning him around.

"Beckett?"

Disoriented, Carson continued to beat his fists, now on Ronon's chest, tears running down his face.

"I'm sorry…m'sorry…"

Ronon grabbed his arms and gently shook him.

"Beckett!"

Carson froze with a gasp and looked up to see a tall man in front of him, large hands on his arms…

_The Sovereign!_

…and he pulled away, his back slamming against the wall and dropped to the ground legs outstretched, and started to slide away from Ronon.

"No!"

Ronon looked over as the door opened and the night nurse and guard rushed in.

He held up a hand and they moved over to a corner of the room to keep watch and ready if they were needed.

_Teyla should be here; he was not cut out for his. But this was the break they were all hoping for…Carson was finally speaking!_

_And probably thought he was Daravilus…_

… _the guy who hurt him._

Ronon sighed and slowly sat on the floor in front of his friend, waiting until the doctor's breathing quieted down some.

"Beckett." he murmured.

No response.

"Hey!" he said, his voice stern, gently squeezing Carson's arm.

Carson looked up in alarm, his eyes frantic.

"Sovereign…I..!"

"Stop!" ordered Ronon.

Carson's eyes flicked unfocused at him then around the room.

"No, it's..!"

Ronon leaned over and placed his hands on either side of Carson's face to hold him still.

"Look at me!" he said, his voice low but direct.

Carson struggled for a moment then stilled, his frantic eyes falling on Ronon's face.

Ronon turned and motioned with his head to the guard to turn on the main lights.

Seconds later, Carson squinted at the bright onslaught and started to struggle again, but Ronon held him firm.

"Get Keller and Teyla in here!" he whispered harshly without turning away from his friend.

"Dr. Keller has been called." said the nurse from the corner of the room.

"Teyla, too!" he ordered trying to keep his voice even.

There was a pause, then Ronon heard the nurse turn and leave, the guard staying behind.

Ronon stared at Carson. "Beckett, I'm not him…I'm not Daravilus!"

The doctor tried to turn his face away, but Ronon held firm.

"Whatever he told you was a lie. Your name is Carson Beckett, you're a doctor. You and Sheppard were taken from us but we got you back!"

"…betrayed you…betrayed Nahkhan…he shoulda killed me…he shoulda…" Carson's gaze faltered so Ronon gave him another shake.

"Doc…it's me, Ronon! Remember me? You saved my a long time ago, do you remember? I was a runner for years, then one day I met you, Teyla and Sheppard and you took the Wraith tracker out of me and I could finally stop running. I finally had my freedom and it was because of you!"

Ronon could see the confusion and fear on his friend's tired face.

"You're safe…Sheppard is safe. You didn't betray anyone!"

Carson stared past Ronon.

"He…said I was un…un…a-and…and…he should have killed me, but stopped." he whispered.

Ronon could see Carson was shutting down.

"Who stopped? Daravilus?"

Carson's eyes had started to droop so Ronon gave him another shake.

"Who was hurting you?"

Carson's eyes blinked open for a moment and he stared at Ronon.

"R-Ronon?"

Ronon's eyes widened. "Yeah, it's me!"

Carson's face held his astonishment.

"Atlantis…it-it's real?"

Carson's surprised voice was barely a whisper now as Ronon watched him close his eyes, sleep claiming him.

* * *

Humming to himself Rodney rang John's door. A few seconds passed and with no response, he tucked his snack bag under his arm and banged on the door.

"Sheppard, come on, open up!"

With still no response, Rodney sighed and removed the panel next to John's door. A few moments later the door swished open and he stepped inside.

"Sheppard?"

He could feel the emptiness in the room, even before the lights flickered on.

Sighing he moved over to John's untouched bed and sat on its edge.

"Where are you?" he whispered, tapping on his tablet and seeing the lone blip moving through the lower part of the city.

"Damn it, Sheppard. Let us help you!"

* * *

Ronon was lifting Carson back onto his bed just as the door to the room opened and Jennifer and Teyla ran in.

"He talked? The nurse said he spoke, did you hear what he said?" Jennifer asked as she moved over to the bed, Teyla following.

"Is he alright?" Teyla asked him.

"Yeah, just sleeping. I think he remembered me."

Jennifer shook her head in awe at the Satedan.

"You got him to speak!" she smiled looking up from Carson.

Ronon nodded uncomfortably. "Is Sheppard okay?

Teyla was confused. "Is he not with Rodney?"

"No, he is not." Rodney answered as he entered the room.

"Sheppard has decided to wander again." he tapped on his tablet's screen.

"I heard something happened with Carson," He looked over at the bed.

"Is he okay?"

Teyla nodded. "He spoke to Ronon."

"What? Really?" said Rodney, surprise and curiosity in his voice as he looked at the Satedan.

"How'd _you_ get him to speak? _You_ barely speak!"

Ronon glowered at him.

"I'm curious as well." said Jennifer. "How _did_ you get him to speak?"

The warrior shrugged. "He had a nightmare then things spiraled after that. He thought I was Daravilus."

They all stared at him in shock.

"What did he say, Ronon." Keller asked softly.

Ronon stared back at them.

"We need to find Sheppard." he replied.

**TBC**


	33. Chapter 33

"Where are you going, John?" John muttered to himself, his footsteps echoing in the empty hallway.

"I don't know." he answered himself back.

It was a truthful answer. He had been walking for over an hour, his mind a cavern of echoes, bouncing back reminders of his mistakes.

He knew what he was doing wasn't helping; but he knew if he spoke with his team, that they would say it wasn't his fault. They would try to convince him that he should move on and go back to being their Colonel, their _Sheppard_ once again.

But how could he?

He had taken the word of a violent man over one of his best friends. He had hurt the man whose only crime was trying to convince him of a truth that he just couldn’t see.

How could he trust himself after that? How could his team trust him?"

John stopped and sighed, then turned and with a sudden shout, slammed his fist into the nearby wall; pain ripping through his arm as he heard a crack.

Whipping his arm back he tried to flex his bloodied hand and winced at the sharp pain.

It was broken.

_Just like…_

_Shut up, John…just shut up!_ He huffed at his inner voice.

_I'm trying…_ he thought, holding his hurt hand close to his chest.

How _was_ he going to break free of the echoes? Staying in the bowels of the city didn't help.

Maybe he needed a different view. He started walking back.

Maybe…

…instead of down…

…he'd go up.

* * *

As the early morning sun started to gather its strength for the day, happiness and concern echoed through the halls of Atlantis. The news that Carson had spoken wound through the rumor mill like wildfire; many clinging to the hope that this was the first sign of their friend's return to them.

The concern was brought on by the fact that John had gone missing. It was not long after Carson had finally spoken, that the blip on Rodney's tablet had disappeared from the screen causing a moment of heart wrenching panic, then downright frenzy as John and Lorne's teams, along with groups of marines began the search for their leader.

"McKay," started Lorne, as they made their way down a hallway, marines surrounding them.

"HE'S NOT DEAD!" shouted Rodney, his eyes never leaving his tablet, begging for the lone blip to reappear once more; some of the marines up ahead turned back to look at him.

"Jeez, McKay." Lorne huffed, slowing his pace. "I never said he was! I just wanted to ask if you're sure we're headed in the right direction!"

They walked in silence for a few seconds more, heading towards where the tablet had last brought up John's location when Rodney glanced up and gave Lorne a quick…

"Sorry…"

"It's okay, I get it." Lorne sighed. "There's a good explanation for all of this. If we don't find him first, I'm sure Ronon or Teyla will; then Sheppard can tell us for himself.

At hearing of John's disappearance, Teyla and Ronon had split up and started their own search for him.

They had just gotten back one of their friends…it would be too cruel now to have suddenly lost the other one.

* * *

Jennifer and Woolsey smiled at Carson who was sitting up in his bed staring at them.

"How are you feeling?" Woolsey asked.

Carson blinked, then continued to stare.

"We talked about this, Carson." said Jennifer. "We need to hear you speak."

He twitched, his mouth opening and closing, then…

"J-Jennifer." he whispered.

"Hi." she grinned.

He turned to Woolsey.

"Mr.W-Woolsey…"

Woolsey nodded happily.

"It's good to have you back, doctor."

Carson slowly looked around the room.

"This…this is real." It sounded like both a question and a statement.

Jennifer gently gripped his arm.

"This is real and you're safe. Can you tell us what you remember?"

Carson squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them and looked at Woolsey.

"I'm… n-not a traitor!" he quietly pleaded as his eyes frantically searched the room.

"We know you aren't." replied Woolsey sadly. "Dr. Beckett, who are you looking for?"

Carson's eyes landed back on his.

"N-not a test?" he asked hesitantly.

Woolsey sighed and turned to Jennifer who took a deep breath and gripped Carson's arm a little tighter.

"No, Carson." she said. "It isn't. Remember we…"

"Nahkhan!" Carson blurted out, startling himself and the others in the room.

"Wh-where…where is he?" he asked, digging his fists into the bed, in frustration over his struggle to speak.

Woolsey looked at Jennifer.

"That's a good question." he replied.

* * *

The sun had reached its peak in the sky when Teyla found John.

Standing on one of the balconies far from the central tower she was frustrated.

"Where are you, John?" she murmured.

She turned to go back in to continue her search when she happened to glance up and to her left.

Slowing to a stop, she shaded her eyes and peered upwards, her heart stuttering in her chest. Legs hung down from a platform far above her.

She touched her comm.

"Ronon, I found him."

* * *

"I-I need ta see him!" Carson argued, starting to pull his legs of the side of the bed.

"Wait…just wait!" Jennifer gently pushed him back down.

"N-no…I…n-need…tell him…tell him I…" he grimaced, his words wouldn't come.

Jennifer slowly exhaled. "Carson, please listen."

She waited until his movements slowed, feeling sad over the distraught look on his face.

"Colonel Sheppard is here on Atlantis, he's just…" she paused, searching for the right word. “ _Missing_ at the moment…but everyone is looking for him."

She saw the fear and confusion in Carson's eyes.

"He _will_ be found." she promised.

"Don't…d-don't hurt him…" he murmured.

"We would never hurt him." said Jennifer. "Nor you."

"I…I hurt him." Carson's voice exuded regret.

" _You_ hurt him?" Woolsey asked, confused; the doctor's blood had been on Sheppard's clothing, not the other way around.

Carson nodded. "It w-was all my fault."

* * *

The door swished open and Teyla and Ronon stepped onto the large platform, the glare of the sun blinding them for a moment.

When they lowered their hands, there was Sheppard a few feet away; lying half on and half off the platform, unmoving, his legs hanging over the edge.

"Colonel?"

Still no movement and Teyla was sure her heart had been torn from her chest.

"Sheppard?" Ronon's deep voice trembled in the sunlight.

Suddenly John twitched then started to stir, and the two members from the Pegasus galaxy could suddenly breathe again.

"Sheppard, you okay?" Ronon asked.

John slowly sat up but had yet to turn around; with his back to them and one hand clutching the edge of the platform he looked out on the city far beneath them.

They weren't sure what to do next; with John silently sitting right on the edge they didn't want to startle or upset him.

"Colonel?" Teyla's tone was filled with all the questions she wanted to ask:

_Are you okay?_

_Where were you?_

_Why won't you talk to us?_

"You guys don't give up, do you?" John chuckled, then softly hissed.

"Are you hurt?" Teyla asked taking a tentative step forward.

"No."

Ronon sighed, he wasn't giving them much to work with. "We thought something happened, your life signs stopped showing up on McKay's tablet."

"I know…" said John, raising his head slightly as if to take in the sun.

"I needed some time alone, without Rodney's proverbial eye in the sky watching my every move. So I asked Atlantis nicely to help me out."

Teyla and Ronon glanced at each other; silently in awe over the reminder of John's unity with the city.

"I'm sorry I worried you guys."

"Sheppard, why don't you come away from the edge and we can go inside and talk about it?" Ronon held out his hand hoping John would turn around and they'd be done with this.

John leaned forward.

"No!" shouted Teyla.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to leap to my death...yet." The humor in John's voice was worrisome.

He was silent for a moment then exhaled loudly.

"I just needed some space…I had to think."

Teyla looked around and up at the expanse of sky above them.

"Colonel, I…"

John chuckled. "We're off the clock, Teyla…and that title is pretty laughable at the moment.

Teyla glanced at Ronon and they both inched forward.

"Guys, I said I needed space." John said without turning around and they both stopped in their tracks, surprised he had heard them.

"Col…John, there is not much higher you can go. Have you found the space you were looking for?" asked Teyla.

They waited a moment then saw him slowly nod.

"You know…" his voice was hollow. “I've been going over and over it in my head. None of this would have happened if I'd just been stronger."

"John, that is not true! You are blaming yourself for something that was out of your control!" said Teyla.

"Yeah, did you plan that meteor storm? Did you plan getting taken?" Ronon asked.

John was silent for a moment, then they heard his breath hitch.

"He told me that something was wrong…that _we_ were wrong…not who we were told we were….and I _hated_ him for it."

They wanted to ask questions but kept silent…John was finally talking.

"I _hated_ him _so_ much! My father was _finally_ proud of me and he was saying it was _wrong_!"

The door behind them swished open then closed as Rodney and Lorne walked in in mid-conversation; Teyla had called in John's location before she met up with Ronon.

"…only two life signs, maybe they didn't…" said Rodney, his voice dying on his lips at seeing John sitting at the edge of the high platform. Frowning, he glanced down at his tablet then at his other team members whose hard stares kept him from voicing his confusion and fear towards his friend sitting precariously on the edge.

The door swished open once more and Rodney glanced back to see Lorne nod at him, as the door closed leaving John's team alone on the platform.

Rodney turned back to the scene in front of him, wishing he was caught up on what was happening.

He gulped, taking a step forward.

"Sheppard?" he whispered.

**TBC**


	34. Chapter 34

_He gulped, taking a step forward_

" _Sheppard?" he whispered._

* * *

"Hey, Rodney." replied John, his voice odd in its lightness.

Teyla held up a hand to Rodney, shaking her head, then turned back to John, hoping their team member's entrance wouldn't stop him from continuing.

"John, I have good news," she said. "Carson has started to speak again!"

He slowly nodded. "That's good to hear."

"I am sure he would love for you to come and see him!"

John's staccato laugh sounded harsh in the sunlight; making Rodney move to stand next to Ronon and Teyla.

"Sheppard, he's your friend, he'll want to make sure you're okay…just like we do." Rodney said.

John’s laugh softened, and his team hated that he had yet to turn around.

"You're wrong, McKay. The last time I saw him wasn't exactly a barrel of laughs."

John pressed down on the platform with his hand, shifting himself.

"Sheppard!" shouted Rodney.

"Oh for pete's sake, McKay…relax!"

John settled with a sigh and a tense silence fell over the platform.

A minute or two passed, with John’s team becoming antsy in their worry, when…an anguished whisper from John slipped across the sunlight.

"I listened to him. I listened to my fath…to Lucius instead of to my friend. I listened to him, and to make him proud I…I made it _clear_ to Carson just how much he _betrayed_ me...and…"

John started to shake.

"….and…a-after I… _hurt_ him…when he _begged_ for me to leave with him…I decided my fists weren't enough, so I used my words to cut him down; then I abandoned him…

...the Crippled. Unwanted. Healer…"

John's back heaved, a heavy sob filled with self-loathing coming from his hidden face.

_Now, his team understood._

The team was shocked into silence, hearing for the first time what they had feared to be true. John's overwhelming guilt, Carson's blood found on him, the Scot's silent fear…

Their anger towards the man who had done this to their friends grew sharper and deeper at that moment.

"John, that wasn't you!" exclaimed Teyla.

"Then who was it?" John asked, exasperated.

Rodney hesitantly stepped forward.

"Sheppard, you had no control over what happened!"

They saw John's body tense.

"I had control." he muttered.

"Or you just thought you did!" argued Rodney.

John huffed, "McKay…you weren't there!" Anger soaked in resignation laced his words.

John's team looked at each other, this had to end.

"I get it, Sheppard." Ronon murmured.

"A whole village died because I spent one night with them…one night. They treated me with kindness and I handed them their deaths."

"The Wraith killed them, not you." John said as he stared numbly at his swollen hand laying in his lap, his eyes filled with unspent tears.

"And _Daravilus_ hurt Beckett, it wasn't you!"

John frowned, "But…I _did_ hurt him."

"It _wasn't_ you." Ronon repeated. "If it was really you, you wouldn't have done it. The dice was rolled for you Sheppard. Start rolling the dice for yourself. Beckett doesn't need the guilt that's coming off you… he has his own, he doesn't need yours too. What he needs is your friendship. So get away from the edge and let's go see him!"

Silence.

"Don't make me make you, Sheppard." smirked Ronon, hoping that would get a rise out of his friend.

A pause, then John chuckled "I'd like to see you try."

"Would you?"

"Really?"

"Ronon!" said Ronon, Rodney and Teyla all at the same time.

John took a deep breath, a tremor running through his body. He smiled to himself then shimmied backwards away from the edge before standing and turning to his friends.

"No, I'll take a rain check on that." he said.

When the team saw his swollen bloody hand they moved forward quickly.

"You _are_ hurt!" Teyla exclaimed.

John winced at her touch. "It's not that bad." he murmured.

"If you wanted to give me a heart attack….congratulations!" Rodney snarked.

John smiled. "Sorry, McKay." He then looked at Ronon.

"I think those are the most words I've ever heard you speak. You tired? Wanna sit down?"

Ronon smirked, shaking his head.

"Funny, Sheppard."

Then the Satedan grew serious, as a tear escaped John's eye, slipping down the side of his cheek.

"You okay?" he asked.

John was about to brush off the question with his usual…

" _I'm fine."_

Then stopped and looked at his team.

They needed him, but not like this.

Not broken.

And he needed them if he was ever going to get through this; if he was ever going to be himself again.

He swiped at his face with his good hand as more tears fell and shook his head.

"No…I'm not okay."

His team froze for a moment, astonished he actually admitted it; then snapping out of it got to work helping their friend.

Ronon surged forward and put John's arm over his shoulder.

"Lean on me." The warrior murmured as they all turned for the door.

John felt weak, his legs shaking beneath him so he was happy for the steadfast support.

Teyla called in to Jennifer telling her that they were on their way to the infirmary.

"You look horrible, Sheppard…" scowled Rodney.

"Rodney!" chastised Teyla.

"What? He does!" He glanced over at John as they walked through the doorway.

"I mean, when was the last time you even ate anything?"

"I dunno…" murmured John.

"Hypoglycemia is real, Sheppard."

He started to pat his pockets. "I think I have a protein bar here somewhere, just…"

"I am sure Dr. Keller will give him the proper nutrients, Rodney." Teyla sighed.

John chuckled softly. "Thanks anyways."

As they rounded a corner they found Lorne standing there.

"Hey, Lorne." smiled John.

"Colonel, I'm glad you're okay."

"Thought you left…" whispered Rodney as they continued towards the infirmary.

"I wasn't far away, was just giving your team some privacy." Lorne replied.

"Privacy?" Rodney scoffed. "What we needed was a stretcher!"

"Enough, Rodney." sighed Teyla.

"Yeah, shut it, McKay." grunted Ronon, a warning in his voice.

"What did I..?"

With a glare from the Satedan, Rodney quickly quieted.

And as they all moved down the hallway, John couldn't help but smile to himself.

A familiar feeling of home enveloping him…

It felt good.

* * *

Carson sat on the edge of his bed staring at the medical boot on his foot; he vaguely remembered the makeshift brace Sarek had used and how he had wished for something better.

And here was the something bettergiven to him by the Lanteans.

He frowned…the note given to him in the village said he was working with people who wanted Nahkhan to remain delusional about being from Atlantis…and now here he sat in the same city safe and warm...but what about Nahkhan? Had they hurt him? No, they told him that Nahkhan would be found…but were they lying?

Confused, he rubbed his forehead, trying to hold back his fear and thought about what he'd been told.

Nahkhan was John Sheppard.

He was Carson Beckett.

And Atlantis was their home.

It all rang of falsehood and truth entwined together and it made his head hurt.

_I'm not a traitor…_

_I'm not…_

He stared at the comfortable boot on his foot and wanted to leave but the door was guarded; the guards standing firm, shaking their head at him the two times he tried.

He needed clarity, the truth…but what he needed most was…"

The door to the room opened and he looked up to see a man and woman enter, he got to his feet, fear clutching at him...

_They were the ones in the village that followed me!_

…then quickly fading away; warm familiarity suddenly replacing cold uncertainty.

"Rod…ney...T-Teyla?" Their names awkwardly wrapped around his tongue.

They both smiled widely at him then stepped aside, and Carson gasped clutching the bed behind him as Lucius entered the room; then he blinked and the image was gone and he saw it wasn't the Sovereign at all.

_Ronon_

And next to him was…

"I made them bring me here first, before Keller got her hands on me." John smiled then grimaced at the shooting pain in his hand.

Carson stared at him.

Seconds passed in silence.

Frowning, John stepped away from Ronon, gripping his hurt hand to his chest.

"It's me, Carson… Sheppard." The two men stared silently at each other.

"I'm sorry." John finally whispered, his eyes filling once more with tears. "I'm so sorry I hurt you."

The silence continued a moment more, then Carson's eyes widened, the clarity he was waiting for suddenly becoming apparent to him.

He truly wasn't a traitor…

…and he still had a friend…

Carson stepped away from the bed, his eyes flitting over the others in the room then on the man standing amidst them and hesitantly...

...he smiled.

**TBC**


	35. Chapter 35

_Things change_...

Thought Teyla as she stepped through the Gate with the rest of her team; they were visiting a planet rumored to have a ZPM.

Three months had passed since John and Carson's return, when Woolsey and Jennifer finally gave the okay for John's return to active duty.

Their first mission out, they had gone looking for Lucius Daravilus.

* * *

John's team, Lorne's and a wave of five other teams spread out going from planet to planet searching for him; but after two weeks of searching with no sign of the man, Woolsey called it and the search was put on hold.

Frustrated, John and Lorne's teams had returned to Lucius' manor and spoke to the marines they had stationed there.

_No, Daravilus had not returned…_

_…but the servants were still there._

Angry, John had ordered the servants to leave, but they had smiled at him and said being the son and heir that they would serve him, their new Sovereign, until Lucius' return.

The teams grew silent at that, nervous at John's reaction; his expression was one they hadn't seen before.

Temptation, anger, frustration, longing, sadness and hatred all rolled into one; his inner battle obvious when he turned to Ronon and said…

"Show me where that room is."

And to the others…

"Get these people ready to leave…because they _are_ leaving!"

When John and Ronon got to the room that the Ashen had attacked John in, now brightly lit, the warrior stayed outside giving his friend a moment.

The silence John radiated worried the Satedan, but he kept quiet until he looked in and saw John, eyes closed, leaning with his forehead and hands against a wall. Then he watched as he slowly took a step back opened his eyes and pulled a brick of C4 from his backpack and attached it to the wall.

"Sheppard?"

John turned and stared at him for a moment, then rummaged through his bag and as he stalked from the room, handed Ronon two more bricks.

"Place them well." He muttered, then turned and walked away, his hand already holding another brick.

Ronon stared, confused for a moment, then nodded, walking in the opposite direction and did as he was told.

They went to the upper rooms and did the same thing, then returned to the atrium where the servants stood confused, holding their belongings.

"We believe everyone is accounted for." Teyla said.

"I hope so, for their sakes" John replied.

"Sovereign, what are you..?" started one of the servants.

John glared at him, his hand tightening around his weapon.

"Colonel." Lorne stepped forward, slightly shaking his head.

John's glare turned on the Major for a beat, then softened slightly and he loosened the grip on his weapon.

"You've all been manipulated, so until we can find out where you came from and return you to your homes we're taking you back to Atlantis." He stated, his tone leaving no room for argument.

"But this _is_ our home!" argued one of the servants.

John froze at that.

_How many lives had Lucius ruined? How many families had he torn apart for his own use; courtesy of a monster in a darkened room?_

He sighed opening up his bag and placing the last C4 brick on a pillar in front of the group.

"Well, in the next…" John clicked a switch in his hand then checked his watch, "…eight minutes it won't be anyone's home, now….let's go!" he ordered.

"You didn't…" muttered Rodney incredulously, looking worriedly around the atrium. “How many did you..?"

Lorne's team along with Teyla turned and started pushing everyone towards the door; Rodney mumbling under his breath as he followed…

… _is crazy..!_

_Eight minutes!_

_Hurry…move!_

"You sure about this, Sheppard?" Ronon asked as they followed the group out.

John stopped and turned around; staring at the house he had thought of as his home, a house where he was lied to and changed into someone he didn't know anymore.

"Yeah, I'm sure." he whispered.

They were on the path towards the Gate when the C4 blew.

It was a beautiful destruction.

* * *

Two weeks had passed and after Atlantis distributed pictures of the servants to multiple planets, a few of the men and women had been recognized and were grudgingly reunited with families they had no recollection of. The ones whose families they couldn't find were returned to the village by the manor, a place at least familiar to them.

"Where are you taking me? I want to go home! I want to go back to the manor!" Shouted one man as he was being led from the Gate by John and his team.

They soon arrived at a modest home, and a woman and two children rushed out to greet them with large smiles on their face for their lost husband and father.

"He had gone off to buy a birthday present for our youngest…" explained his wife. “…and was seen being attacked and dragged away!" Tears rolled down the woman's face.

"Two years…we thought he was dead…thank you for returning him to us!"

John nodded grimly, wondering if what they were doing was a mistake; the homecoming would not be easy for any of them.

* * *

As the days progressed, John's team began to see a change in their leader.

When not off world, he was never far from Carson; always very aware where the doctor was at any given time of day.

Carson didn't seem to mind; it was like an invisible thread of guilt, protection and understanding tethered them to each other.

The doctor had stayed on Atlantis and was helping out Jennifer in the infirmary. He spoke more each day, but his words still bore a hesitancy that once wasn't present. Frustrated, he would often stop talking altogether; only after a long walk with John would they hear his Scottish brogue once again.

" _There go the Bobbsey twins..."_

Rodney had said to Teyla once as they watched John and Carson leaving the mess hall together.

She hadn't understood the reference, but heard the loneliness in Rodney's sarcasm.

He was feeling left out.

" _They have been through something Rodney that we will never understand. We must give them as much time as they will need, to sort things out the best way that they can_."

* * *

Teyla watched as Rodney swatted angrily at an insect flying near his face, then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bottle and proceeded to spray its contents all over his body.

"I better not get malaria." he grumbled. "Teyla, are you sure about the ZPM? What exactly did your contact say? Are you even sure about this guy?"

_Okay, so not everything changes._ She smiled to herself and looked over at Ronon and John who were walking up ahead.

But some things do change.

And maybe…eventually things would return to how they once were; but right now things were different…

...because John was different.

She watched as he scanned their surroundings as they continued towards the town.

Navis was not a town she or her people were very familiar with, but during their travels one of the Athosians heard about the town and the treasures said to be in the extensive caverns there. Including something that sounded very much like a ZPM.

Teyla moved up until she was next to John.

'Colonel, we are to meet our contact at the edge of town and he will lead us to where the ZPM is located."

John turned to her and nodded, then continued forward.

She sighed inwardly, John was different and maybe only his team could see how.

Woolsey and Jennifer had seen him fit for duty…and he was…but…he was quiet, and became more so after their failure to find Lucius and the destruction of the manor. It was almost like the silence that had once infected Carson now lay claim to him. More than before, he held his thoughts tightly to his chest out of what seemed a sense of shame…or guilt; she could not tell and he would not speak of it.

She glanced over at Ronon who gave her a knowing look.

They all knew John was different…but he was back…and they were back; going off world…being a team again.

It's what they needed. It's hopefully what John needed.

**TBC**


	36. Chapter 36

They didn't find a ZPM.

They didn't find anything.

The contact, a stout and balding man named Corbin, hemmed and hawed and after an hour of traversing through the caverns, finally told them that he wasn't sure of the exact location of any of the treasures that might be found there.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me!" exclaimed Rodney as they exited the cavern, batting at another insect only he could see. "I didn't pick up any energy readings down there, and with the hundreds of tunnels to search it could take forever to find any! It's too vast! The location needs to be narrowed down and we wouldn't even know where to start, because that's what _you_ were here for!"

Teyla stepped forward, her voice low and dangerous. "You have wasted our time!"

Corbin nodded quickly, his eyes to the ground. "I-I'm sure what you're looking for is there! Somewhere…I just don't…I'm not…"

"And what of the items we gave you to show us the way? You have not helped us at all!" Teyla's voice was sharp with anger, the team had needed a win. First, Lucius was nowhere to be found…and now no ZPM.

Corbin's head shot up. "No…you can't have them back! I need them!"

A low growl from Ronon had the man backing up.

"To…to sell, to feed my family! Please!"

John flinched at the man's words, an image of a trembling red-headed man causing his heart to clench.

"You can keep them." John muttered. "Ronon, put it away." He motioned to the weapon in the Satedan's hand that was pointing directly at the trembling man.

"Teyla…stand down." his voice, a tired order.

Teyla looked back at John, staring at him for a moment, then acquiesced.

"Thank you, thank you!" The man smiled at John, his smile faltering at the cold look in his eyes.

"We need a new guide." John said, his eyes narrowing.

Corbin's eyes widened, his mouth opening and closing, then he gasped. "I-I know of a man!"

Oh, right!" said Rodney, exasperated. "You don’t know anything about anything! So why should we trust anyone _you_ recommend?"

"McKay!"

Rodney's mouth snapped shut at the hardness in John's voice.

John turned back to Corbin and stepped forward until their faces were inches apart.

"We will go see this _man_ and give him whatever he wants for him to guide us through the caverns; but if you're lying about this or if your _man_ can't help us...you won't have anybody left to buy food for..."

Corbin gulped, the man in front of him radiated danger, John's laser stare never leaving his face.

"I understand." He said, nodding quickly. "Come…come!"

He beckoned the team towards the town.

"Colonel?" Teyla frowned at John who was breathing heavily, still staring at the empty space where the man once stood.

Concerned at what he had said to Corbin, Teyla reached out and touched John on the arm; he hadn't sounded like himself.

"Colonel?" she repeated.

John flinched turning to her in confusion, then his eyes cleared and he turned to the others.

"What are you all standing here for? Come on, follow the man!"

* * *

The new guide was named Sion, a thin young man who worked as a cleaner in the town's city hall they were in.

"I-I've been in and around the caverns for most of my life. I can show you where some treasures have been found…maybe you'll find what you're looking for there." He cowered under Ronon's hulking shadow.

"What do you want in exchange?" asked Teyla, she and Ronon crowding the man into a corner.

John and Rodney were scoping out the room they were in.

The man put his broom down.

"I-I want ….I want to see Atlantis."

"Not gonna happen." grunted Ronon.

"Okay...I've heard rumors you have flying ships, I want a ride in one."

"Done." said John from across the room, then walked over to look at a wall of pictures and a long rectangular glass case that hung in the middle of them.

"We'll stay here tonight," John said. "And start fresh in the…"

The sudden silence in the room was like a slap.

Ronon turned around, "Sheppard?"

John was standing frozen in front of the case on the wall.

"Sheppard?" echoed Rodney, the team as one moving to their leader.

They all looked at the small items and pieces of jewelry in the case he was staring at.

"What is wrong, John?" whispered Teyla as she watched him open the case with a trembling hand.

"Don't touch those!" Sion shouted, moving forward only to be held back by Ronon.

"I-It's…Lucius…h-he's dead." John's voice hitched.

"What? How do you know this?" asked Teyla.

John slowly pulled a gold chain from the case with a gold ring hanging from it and turned to Sion, holding it up for him to see.

"How did he die?" John asked.

The young man frowned. "I don't…"

John surged forward shoving him back against a table and pushing the chain towards his face.

"HOW DID HE DIE!?"

"I…I don't know!"

The young man stared at John, then the ring. "I…um…It's one of our latest ones! Um…it could be…" His eyes widened, recalling. "A fight broke out in a pub not long ago, it was pretty bad! A foreigner got blind drunk and assaulted some of our locals, almost killing one of them before being killed by our security team. It took the whole team to bring him down, the man was _strong_ , and _crazy!_ Um...so I heard. Sorry about your friend!"

"He wasn't our friend." said Ronon, his eyes locked on John preparing for his next move.

"You keep dead people's jewelry on display?" scoffed Rodney. "That's morbid!"

"No…" whispered John stepping away from the trembling young man.

He clenched the ring in his fist. "No, it's not morbid…" his breath hitched, emotion overwhelming him.

_It was the same town…_

_Khaval._

John bit his lip and frowned; confusion and sadness bombarding him.

_Lucius must have come here to find some sort of solace in a dead son; because the son who had returned to him had abandoned him again…_

John shook his head.

_But I wasn't his son!_

_But to die so meaninglessly…in a bar fight?_

_It's not fair! He needed to pay for all the people he hurt, for all the families he destroyed!_

_Had he been here trying to drown his feelings of abandonment?_

_Did I abandon him again?_

Feelings of anger and confusing guilt flew through John.

_He hurt me…_

_He hurt Carson…_

_I hurt Carson…_

_I shouldn't have run…_

_He missed his sons!_

_He missed me!_

"Sheppard!"

John flinched, Ronon's harsh voice startling him out of the thoughts that assaulted him. He sensed it wasn't the first time the Satedan had called his name.

His team had watched him fall silent, not liking the sudden blank look on his face; whatever was happening was _not_ good.

John shook his head trying to untangle his thoughts, then narrowed his eyes at the young man who blinked wide eyed back at him.

"You're going to show me where you burned their bodies!" John hissed, digging a finger into Sion's chest; the young man nodding quickly in agreement.

" _Bodies,_ Colonel?" asked Teyla, concerned over John's sudden change in behavior.

John turned to her, "Not now, Teyla!" The steel in his voice hiding the sudden panic he was feeling.

He pulled Sion by the shirt and headed towards the door.

"Wait…but what about the ZPM?" asked Rodney.

John winced, feeling guilty but continued moving.

_I'm sliding back…_ He thought to himself, unable to bear the thought that he would never truly be himself again.

His team called out to him as they followed; questioning, worrying…

But he let his silence entangle and enfold him, and would not answer them.

**TBC**


	37. Chapter 37

Teyla sighed as she sat down at the mess table.

"Any luck?" muttered Ronon.

She shook her head; it had been three days since the planet and John still hadn't said a word.

Not to Woolsey, Jennifer, who looked him over in the infirmary, or even Odalia; John wouldn't even acknowledge her presence.

" _I'm sorry, Odalia; he's just in a bad place right now.” Offered Woolsey as they left John's quarters._

" _No, it's my fault, I've done nothing for him being here. I should have been braver; I should have stood up to what I believed to be true and helped him sooner. I knew he wasn't Lucius' son. It was my weakness that hurt him. Please…tell him I'm sorry.”_

_She asked to return home and Woolsey agreed, telling her he would let John know where she was._

John had shut everyone out, even his team who took turns visiting him in his quarters where he was under guard; his lack of cooperation making Woolsey nervous.

* * *

Teyla looked over at Rodney who started tapping his fingers on the side of his plate, then uncharacteristically pushed his unfinished meal away.

"Is he still holding onto that ring?" he asked.

Teyla nodded. "I do not think he has let it go since our return."

They all sat in silence for a moment.

"I fear he is experiencing grief," said Teyla.

They had learned from Sion after returning to Navis without John, the rituals his people had for bodies that went unclaimed.

" _My people take this honor very seriously; these unclaimed, criminals or not, were someone's fathers, mothers, children. The items we keep are a part of them that lives on, hopefully one day to be claimed by a family member or to stay in a place of honor with us."_

They learned the story behind the ring from Carson.

" _It was…was his brother's ring…I mean N-Nahkhan's brother's ring. He d-died a long time ago…went looking for Nahkhan…n-never came home. J-John told me Lucius wore the ring on a chain around his…n-neck._ "

* * *

"Grief? Over Daravilus? Why?" asked Ronon, incredulous. "The man tortured him and Beckett for months! Why would Sheppard care if he was dead?"

"Because for a few months," sighed Teyla sadly. "Daravilus was not his torturer, but his father."

Rodney abruptly stood up. "That's ridiculous! I'm going to try to talk to him again. He's not thinking properly, and this whole selective mute thing has got to stop!"

"Rodney, I…" started Teyla.

An alarm sounded on Rodney's tablet.

He looked down at it, his eyes widening.

"No! No! No!" he exclaimed.

"What's wrong?" asked Ronon.

Rodney grabbed the tablet, turned and hurried off; Teyla and Ronon behind him.

* * *

The guard outside John's door eyed them warily as they approached.

"What are you doing?" asked Rodney to the armed man.

"Sir?"

"Move." growled Ronon.

The guard stepped aside and the team entered John's room…his empty room.

"Damn it, Sheppard!" Ronon muttered.

The guard entered looking around.

"But how…I…"

"You've been guarding an empty room, moron." huffed Rodney. "I'll be in my lab!" He stormed out tapping furiously on his tablet, leaving Ronon and Teyla to confront the baffled guard.

* * *

_-Two hours later-_

The doors to the jumper bay slid open then closed, footsteps echoing amid the darkened puddle jumpers towards the one that was dimly lit.

Carson slowly stepped inside and moved with a slight limp towards the cockpit, where John sat leaning back in the pilot chair with his eyes closed; a half empty bottle of brandy between his legs.

Carson sighed, his limp was a reminder that he would have to live with. Jennifer had done the best she could and he was grateful.

He eased himself into the co-pilot's chair and closed his eyes, waiting.

"How'd you find me?" John asked, a slight slur in his voice.

Carson opened his eyes and stared out the cockpit window.

"Your l-life signs popped back up on the…sensors a few minutes ago. You had… a-a lot of people worried."

"Humph." John looked up and tapped the jumper's roof. "Thought you had my back, sweetheart." he whispered, then turned to Carson and winked.

"Guess she got tired of hiding me this time."

He smirked at his friend's confused look and lifted the bottle, taking a swig from it.

"I thought you preferred...beer." Carson said.

John shrugged. "Some things call for beer…others..? Hope Woolsey doesn't mind, I found his hidden stash." He snorted and handed the bottle over to Carson who held it for a moment then took a sip and handed it back to John, noticing the chain with the ring dangling around his neck.

"You okay, John?"

John sniffed and took another swig before recapping the bottle and placing it on the ground.

"Sure." he replied.

"Everyone is w-worried, they all…wanted to come in here, but I asked if I could…alone."

John gave him a side look then turned to look at the flight panel which instantly lit up coming to life.

He chuckled then gently touched the panel and its lights automatically shut down.

"Looks like it sensed you…you wanted out of here." smiled Carson.

John shrugged.

"Y-you haven't spoken to anyone for… days."

"I'm speaking to you."

"That's why I asked that it was m-me who came in here. They're all out in the hallway…p-pacing with furrowed brows and such."

They both laughed softly at that.

"Your speech is pretty much back to normal Carson, that's great." smiled John.

The doctor's mouth quirked. "I have…a little more to go…b-but thank you." He paused for a moment then sighed turning his seat to face John.

"You know I forgive you, r-right?"

John frowned, suddenly a little more sober than he wanted to be and turned to face his friend.

"We talked about that…I know."

Carson pursed his lips then pointed at the ring.

"You're m-mourning him, aren't…aren't you?"

John's eyes widened and he huffed, subconsciously touching the ring.

"Now why would I do that, after what he did?"

Carson leaned forward. "That time holds some m-mystery for me. I don't remember…e-everything that happened, but I do remember how much you w-wanted to make Lucius proud."

"And look where that got me…got us…" John's face held disgust.

"I know." Carson replied. "But you cared about him…you thought he w-was your father. When you t-told me about Khaval and what…happened you were thinking of him as your brother. The...the facts may have been wrong, but the f-feelings don't disappear just because you want them to."

"I can't mourn someone who made me think the way I did!" John said angrily.

"But you are…" smiled Carson sadly.

John stared hard at him, a tear suddenly slipping down his cheek, surprising him. He turned his chair back and stared out of the cockpit window.

They sat in silence for a moment then…

"I just wanted my father to be proud of me." John whispered.

Carson nodded. "You craved...w-what you never had."

John glanced at him, then back out the window.

"I…he broke me…made me weak, my craving could have gotten you killed!"

"We were b-both hurt in this, John…both of us."

John sighed, "Why did we even remember? Why did we have those glimpses into who we were, when the others, the servants were completely fooled?"

"I-I was wondering the same thing." said Carson. "I asked J-Jennifer about it. She wasn't sure, she thought… m-maybe it might have been something to do with the Ancient gene we have. It might have stopped that…cr-creature in the room you told me about from completely overwhelming us."

"I should have been stronger." said John.

Carson huffed softly. "D-do ya think the same of me? That I should have b-been stronger?"

John looked at him. "No, you _were_ strong…you _are_ strong to get through what you did."

"And you're not worthy of that s-same belief?"

John opened his mouth to respond, then slowly closed it; more tears ran down his cheeks.

"I s-still have nightmares." Carson offered. "I know you do too, but you got to open up and talk about them. I-I talk to you or Jennifer….who do you talk to?"

"You." sniffed John with a slight smirk.

Carson smiled. "I c-can't even begin to tell you how our talks h-have helped me, and I hope…I hope I helped you however I could. I'll always be gr-grateful to you, John for those talks and…and for being my friend, now…and e-especially on the planet. But you need your team…you need to o-open up and let them in. They'll understand…well… maybe not Rodney."

John barked out a laugh.

"Mind ya, d-don't tell him I said that...agreed?" smiled Carson.

John nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Agreed." he said.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, then John sighed.

"He _just_ wanted his sons back."

Carson frowned, "I know."

John leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes, clutching the ring.

"I'm keeping the ring…for Khaval and for the real Nahkhan wherever he is."

Carson nodded, leaning back in his own chair and closing his eyes.

"I hope he found his adventure." whispered John.

"Me too, John…me too." Carson softly replied.

**-The End –**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. A 100% happy ending? No…but maybe a hopeful one? Hmm... : )
> 
> I would love to know your final thoughts on it, as it may help me know if I was on the right track with it and/or how my writing could improve for any future stories my plot bunny desires me to write. Thanks! :)


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